I am posting this because we often wonder where the MLC journey is taking people. My now xh dropped the bomb over 7 years ago, and was one mean and angry man for a long long time. We had a protracted and painful divorce, and I had no contact for a long time. Anyway last October we agreed to meet when he was going to be near where I now live.
To cut a long story short we met today, and I haven't seen him in nearly three years (apart from briefly in Court) It was very very strange. Like meeting a stranger that you know. I do not know where all the love or the pain I felt has gone. I no longer love him - I don't dislike him, but to be honest I found him rather boring.
He doesn't seem remotely aware of the passage of time that has elapsed - talked about the boys as if they were still young. Thought he should remember the coat I was wearing . . . .
He clearly wants to have greater contact with his family again, and be in their lives, and asked me how I felt about staying in touch. I said I would have to think about it. Said I had rebuilt my life, and I wasn't sure I wanted him as a part of it. He wanted to go and see the church that my eldest son worships in and that I go to when I am in the same part of the world. He wants to know about their lives and mine . . . .
I would say his crisis is over but that he hasn't sorted himself out. He clearly cannot address the real damage. I don't dislike him, but he just isn't the man I loved so much.
All I can say is that in my case when it is over, it is just strange and peaceful. I am pleased I saw him, and I wish him well.
I suppose I am posting this as my account of what has happened after all of this time. Mine isn't a story of rebuilding a marriage, but neither are we are odds any more. I care about who he was, and I can honour that. I wish him well.
You are such a class act, B. And I understand exactly how you feel.
I am glad you met with him, my friend. You were ready and I think it was a necessary part of your journey. Still so sad to see someone you love so out of touch with what he went through.
You get to decide how little or how much you want him in your life.
And I know you will do what's best for you and will handle it with strength and dignity.
Thanks for posting that, B. Always nice to hear the other side of the story timeline.
Hope you're doing well!
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
It was extraordinarily liberating to have the meeting- I have been set free. I was still somewhat bound up in what I thought I still felt.
The big shock is how boring the post-MlCer is when all the anger has left them, and they haven't dealt with their issues. There is nothing there. In the end they have lost so much more than we have, and they are still trapped.
Our situations are now somewhat reversed, and it is my xh who wants some sort of a friendship. And my reluctance is not about 'punishment' I really am not sure I want him in my life except on the edge, as he is the father of our much loved children.
So nice to be set free that way. Glad for you, Beatrice.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Our situations are now somewhat reversed, and it is my xh who wants some sort of a friendship. And my reluctance is not about 'punishment' I really am not sure I want him in my life except on the edge, as he is the father of our much loved children.
Sounds like the script is playing out exactly as I have heard.
Beatrice, I'm so glad you returned to post your meeting. I truly do understand how you felt. I felt the same way when I met up w/my xh after about 5 years. It's true, it is like seeing someone that you've not seen in a very long time, a stranger maybe. For me, it was like looking at a person from a magazine photo and no emotion came forth.
Bea, the meeting has set you free. He still hasn't completely sorted himself out and may not unless he focuses on himself and his issues. At least the anger is gone and he now wants some type of relationship w/his family.
He lost a wonderful lady. I do believe he knows this, but he doesn't know how to begin to repair the damage. Some day, he may speak to you about it...but it's going to be a while yet.
Most importantly, take care of yourself. You are a very special lady.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks to those who have posted. Like so many others, I would not be in the place I am now in without this forum, which has offered much support and advice.
I think the MLCer realises they have lost power over us, and it scares them. My xh is now the one pushing to stay in contact.
I agree with Cadet that it feels a bit like a script playing out, and also with Snodderly that he will not sort himself out until he focuses on himself and his issues.
I do get the sense (although he cannot admit it) that he is beginning to realise what he has lost.
And my goodness the time thing - he clearly has NO CONCEPT of how much time has passed. He is talking about co-parenting adult children, not teenagers and emrging adults.
Finally I have to tell you all that I looked terrific!!! And years younger than him. Petty but satisfying.
Of course you look terrific! You've been taking care of yourself and doing all of the right things. He knows what he lost and he may never admit it, but he does and believe me when I say this...he thinks of you all of the time.
Cadet is absolutely correct in the script playing out. I've seen this a lot and it's almost verbatim in all instances.
Yes, they don't realize just how much time has gone by. That's why I called my xh Rip Van Winkle in some of the threads that I posted long ago. It's like they've fallen down the rabbit hole and fell asleep...only to wake up and it's a different time and place. Remember when I have mentioned that they expect us to stay right where they left us? Well, that's where they are expecting everyone to be once they begin waking up. They don't realize how much time has passed. It's very sad.
Bea, you are a wonderful lady and you've been such an asset to this forum. You've grown by leaps and bounds and the things that you've shared w/all of us has helped many of the posters. I do hope that you will continue to post as you continue on your life's journey.
I do hope that you are planning to do something wonderful for yourself today. Happy Valentine's Day!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly - I remember you Rip van Winkle postings very well (I have been at this a long time!)
I realised that he thought about me when he mentioned a book that he had read and had meant to bring along for me. He wanted to know all about our lives. To be honest it felt a little strange. It really was as if he had been on another planet, and to some extent still is. He actually alluded to the extent to which he had neglected his children, and how he wanted to put that right. Hmmm. Well we shall see. Fortunately we are none of us holding our breath on this one!
The sad thing is that by the time most of them start to wake up the play has moved on, and they are trying to understand Act One and the rest of us are in Act 3!!
