Well I've held off posting in piecing, but I think its time as I hope to get some advice about how to progress from here.
I've not kept up on my own thread but have posted on other friends threads and kept up with their sitches, always hoping for good news for them.
Some will know that I managed to get myself out of the downstairs bedroom after 5 months and back into the MBR. No complaints from H. Two months later we went on a cruise that had been booked prior to bomb drop and despite H leaving his job of 27 years the day before we were due to leave, it went well. It was much needed diversion, as it was a very traumatic decision by my H, but one that was necessary and the cause of his very strange behaviour for at least 12 months, I believe.
During these past 4 months, we have worked hard on a new business venture together. It has meant selling our beloved home and borrowing a huge sum of money to invest in the business. I have done really well with this as I'm not a risk taker so i'm really out of my comfort zone. We are still trying to sell the house. Its a reluctant sale but necessary to move forward. I have suffered from D for years and have found this another hurdle in my recovery. Earlier in my sitch I lost a new job, due in part to my inability to fullfil my duties adequately because of my despair. I had 4 bomb drops in 12 months, even though I thought we were trying to work through our difficulties. Each time was more devastating than the previous. The last time H was never changing his mind about D. I found DB and wonderful coach Jody.
I can't call what happened in Sept last year a reconciliation. I felt a small shift in H's attitude and took a leap of faith. I told him I wanted to come back to the b'room. He never complained. Then we just carried on. Me very cautiously to keep up my 180's and PMA, despite the difficultes we faced with job losses. We had never talked about what happened in the R. In fact we never mentioned it at all, not one word, until this morning, Valentine's Day here.
It came up because H knows I'm upset about selling the house. He mentioned that he had a job offer (not a good one) by a competitor company to the one he worked for for many years. I mentioned that if it had been a good offer that I really hoped he would consider it, because then we would not have to sell the house. He responded with .."why??? don't you want to go into this venture together". I really have tried, but my depression has hindered my thought process. I told him I was struggling with the decision, but doing my best to support him. He asked why. I told him I found it difficult to talk to him..because well gosh der go figure! (I didn't say that). He kept pressing, and asking why I couldn't talk to him. He said I need to know your thoughts so we can both make decisions about our future. I thought this is it I've got a chance to bring it up.
I'm not sure if I said the right things and won't go into great detail here...but I told him I had been very hurt about his past attitude to me but still validated him, my job loss, difficulties with S25, being alone in my marriage for many years while he prioritised his work, raising my 3 kids basically by myself, no support with my Depression...other things also. When I looked forward to spending more time with him and some financial freedom after kids finished private school, he told me he didn't care about me, LYBNILWY, sick of me controlling him.. blah blah blah. We've all heard it.
After putting this forward my best "I" messages. He never acknowledged any of it. Just didn't mention it ..and back to the immediate issues about the business of selling the house and buying the business. So no apology or I was in a bad space at the time or I still feel the same way or I don't feel the same way now???? Huh!! what is a person supposed to think about this? Is this good, or is this not?? I recently read MWD notes on forgiveness and its very helpful BTW, but I wonder why H is such an emotional cripple. Am I to be worried? He did show some remorse in his body language, dropped shoulders and kindness in his tone. Then breezed out the door to his current casual job.
Do you think we can move on successfully without discussions about what was going over this 12 month period? Or should I just leave it well enough alone? I still give him plenty of space, time, support, etc. But hey I feel short changed. Do I just need to let this go? I'm having trouble.
