3 Months in, Still fighting. Crunch time!

[SM34]

Leo

Yes I know for a fact that my wife doesn't think I compliment her enough. She told me that she felt rejected sexually, and because I didn't compliment her, or pursue her sexually, she thinks i am not attracted to her. I believe without this problem, none of my other "faults" would matter. This is a big one though, so I need to pay attention to it.

She still sleeps with OM even though she is warming to me because she doesn't believe I can change. You know it takes time for that. So in the meantime, she has to pursue OM. She told me that during BD. She said you say you can change but you will be right back to the same thing in a few months. OM tells me I am gorgeous. I need 6 months to see which relationship is right for me.

Once she came clean, it did not make it alright to sleep with OM. She walked out on our M!! There was a night that she told me to throw all her stuff in our pond if I wanted to, she was not coming home. I'm not making excuses for her behavior. She is behaving like a crazy, reckless addict. I'm trying to be her lighthouse, as DB principles say.

Where am I getting that the odds are against their relationship? Well, the statistic is 3%. And the reasons are well documented. The relationship is built on lies, it is not real life tested, there is uneven committed because one left a marriage and the other hasn't had to sacrifice anything, he told her many things at the beginning that he is still not doing to help her get out from our M, She told me they have nothing in common but she thinks that doesn't matter, he is not her type physically and she is already trying to change him (he needs to gain weight, he needs to cut his hair, he needs to shave etc... things she has said), the first week she thought he was a family man and D3 would have a room in their house but the first time she took D3 to the zoo with OM (against my wishes and without my knowledge) he didn't know how to interact with her and D3 didn't like him, and now W never brings up D3 having anything to do with him. I mean the list is quite long. Trust me when I tell you the relationship is fantasy, completely and utterly. i will go with you on the idea that when it ends she may not think our M is any better, but as far as this A, it is not going to end well...that much I am 99.9% sure of.

When you spend time with someone, you begin to see that they fart in bed, the look like crap in the morning, they are dirty (I saw pics of his pig sty apartment) etc.. and the fantasy becomes more real life. As long as she only talks to him on the phone, or via messages, he stays this fantasy character that is so magical. Haven't you read those sitches of internet or long distance affairs? They are powerful and can last forever because their is no real life...without reality it is all fantasy.

Leo man in any case, I know you have always tried to help me. you have been very dedicated to commenting on my posts, one of the few who have stuck with me. But you have to trust me and my gut feeling. I know my W very well. She can't even figure out how to tell her family because he SOOO going to be disliked by them. He is tattooed up with piercings and two illegitimate kids...no offense to anyone who fits that description its just that my W family are hardcore Catholic and this isn't going to fly. The affair is underground right now. I'm following DB by doing nothing about it as far as trying to bring it to light. Dr Harvy at MB would have it exposed so her family can pick her apart! But again I want her to change her mind because I am the better option not because she is shamed. I have been accused of wanting her shamed because I suggested it was inevitable when she tells her family. But thats the truth. He NEVER comes to our city, never ever. And he has a brother here who is good friends with us!! His own brother (the decent, married, family man one) thinks he is a POS.

So I am pretty confident its fantasy, and thats why I keep asking that everyone believe or trust my gut on that. That doesn't mean I think I am the obvious choice once it ends, or once W realizes. And that is why I come here to seek advice on how to become that better choice.

Questions like "How do I act towards her", "how nice should I be" etc.. are in order to not burn any bridges. To avoid love extinguishers as I believe they call them. And do do things that work, and reject things that don't. I am good with what is happening because it has already happened. she already slept with him. Now she needs to come to the realization that our marriage is better, and what she has is way better than this. It is related to my confidence in myself, and the fact that I am a catch. Just need to convince her I can be affectionate, and that I can learn to pursue her sexual (which will happen also when she learns to speak my love language). So thats where i need help.....how do you demonstrate to a WAW that you can be affectionate, complimenting, and sexually pursuing without pursuing...weird huh?

have to see where Laurie goes with this tomorrow.