Crimson........Winds of change blowing???

[bustorama]

Re: the non-linear nature of piecing, Crimson -- re-read what I wrote on the first page of this thread

Keep living in and enjoying your current reality. Always. Have faith in the attachment between you, and nurture it lovingly, especially when she approaches you.

...

If you sense her showing hesitation or uncertainty about piecing at any point, back off. She may feel scared or worry that her feelings aren't quite where she wants them to be, etc. That's all fine, let her be, and let her re-initiate leading at the pace that works for her. At one point with my W, I had backed off completely again and stopped calling her because she said it just felt so strange and weird (cause I had come on a little too strong at one point). She called me back in a couple of weeks saying, "What you're just giving up? Please make a counseling appointment for us. Give me a chance at least! Don't leave me!"

What I mean by that is if she says she feels weird, unsure, closed, whatever, accept it and act accordingly.

"Yeah, I hear you, you feel closed off and wished you felt differently. That must be hard for you, I totally get that, xW." And then give her a bit of space until she reaches out to you or warms up to you (as she did)

When she brings up ways she felt that you attacked her and were oppositional to her during the D, DON'T DEFEND YOURSELF and if you don't agree with it, don't agree with it. But, like Rick said, VALIDATE IT. Really get down that you can validate without agreeing. Practice it and live it.

"God, xW, I can only imagine how hard that must have felt for you, to feel that I was your enemy and out to get you. That must have been really hard for you and with everything falling apart. I can see how you felt that way, especially with all the fears and feelings that go with divorce. I hear you, I was right there with you. Let's not go there again."

Really wrap yourself in her feelings and how she felt. It's not about or you about you defending yourself. Anger is hurt. And hurt is hurt. She doesn't want to feel hurt by you again. Get in there with her and comfort her when she opens up about how she felt.