LIS, (I want to call you Lisa! lol!) I have read C's posts of his W stating that she just doesn't have those "feelings" for him. I can also recognize the possibility of fear (who wouldn't be in her shoes?) But then why the lack of feelings? Is it just that her fear is so great that it overrides everything else? Or is it her dreams of another baby and the unpleasantness of her current life that's causing her to think about a "family" again, and that love has nothing to do with it? Even a single person can imagine/want a family and kids, without even having met their future spouse yet.
Indifference is a bad thing. I saw a debate on another thread about whether hate is the opposite of love or whether it was indifference. There was no conclusion, but I could believe it. Love and hate both take energy and attention. They both involve strong passions. How many scenes in movies show two people at each others throats one second, then sharing an impassioned kiss the next? Indifference on the other hand makes the person/situation virtually invisible to you, and doesn't affect your day one way or the other. I'm definitely not indifferent to the situation (at the moment anyway.) But I don't believe I'm operating out of love, hate, or fear. I think it's just frustration.
I would like to be able to keep my family intact, for everyone's sake. I would like to not be almost 50 and alone for the rest of my life (yet I don't care to try it again either.) I would like to be able to solve this dysfunction. At this age and experience, we should both be two rational human beings. We should be able to come to terms. We supposedly both want the same thing, why does it seem so impossible? For example, why can't he just do what he says he's going to do, or not make the promise in the first place? I feel like he has absolutely no character because of it and that makes it hard to respect him. He reminds me constantly of a used-car salesman.
At this point, I'm not sure what I would be afraid of. I've lived on my own, I'm capable, I'm happy living alone, relatively content being alone. I'm not afraid of him because I feel like I know him. He's a creature of habit and has changed little in 20 years (he'd tell you 40.) For example, I'm not afraid that I'll get hurt because he lied to me again, because I'm quite certain he will and so I don't expose myself. When I discovered his porn activities, I was surprised for about 3 seconds and then I was over it. I didn't even mention it to him because I knew he would deny it. About 6 weeks later, something came up and I mentioned I knew about it. Of course, he immediately denied it, and we had to go through the whole exercise of how I knew before he would admit to anything. That was about 6 years ago and I haven't been surprised by his lies since. I wouldn't be surprised if he hooked up with someone - BTDT. I wouldn't be surprised by much. So what would be the fear?
I would definitely say I'm indifferent because he told me (by his actions, not his words) too many times that I didn't matter to him. And the words just don't carry any weight anymore. You know the story of the boy who cried wolf, right? What those people did. Is that growing indifferent? Or negative? Wherever they landed, that's where I live.
I think I realize that it hurts me. I don't think it's as much a "hurt my feelings" issue as it is a "hurt my self-esteem" issue. And that's why I try to focus on offsetting that. My friends are great. I recognize my accomplishments. I get some comfort in the fact that no one else in my life reacts to me the way he does, so it's relatively easy to dismiss.
Originally Posted By: scaredsilly
CV, in your case, you would be so gone if you didn't have your S. so your dilemma is saving yourself or causing your S pain.
Yup! That hits the nail on the head. To "save myself" and get out now would just be going from the frying pan into the fire, because my depression would go from focusing on my M to focusing on what I did to my S12. So I'm trying desperately to figure out how to make us "work" at the absolute bare basics (roommates?) so we can get through the next 6 years. I would be more than content with that. But H keeps acting like because we're still M'd, we should act a "certain way" and do "certain things," so he won't leave it alone. I agree that there are too many expectations placed on women. I hate that I've helped to support that stereotype.
And I'm sorry, I know I sometimes contradict my self. I think I answer honestly for the moment, but things change for me depending upon what's going on or how demanding H is. Sometimes I really am doing fine. Sometimes not. Thankfully, I think I'm climbing out of it again. I actually did a few productive things today. Unfortunately, that will make H think everything is fine with me and translate that into everything is fine with us, even though absolutely nothing has changed there. I think maybe I'll just try to avoid him.
