I hear what you are saying -- and I agree, but here is where I am stuggling a bit.
Over time I have owned up to a lot of things in our marriage that I used to deny and/or not see. I have learned not to question the reality of what my XW experienced....her feelings are her feelings - period. I get that 100%.
However, when she insists that something was in my heart and intentions - and those things absolutely were not there I feel like I am being dishonest if I nod my head and say "yes...that's what I was feeling/doing".
CV, I was never overtly hostile, mean, or "vengeful" as she put it. It just wasn't in my heart. I wanted to save my marriage and ANY of those things would have worked against me....big time. I remember deliberating on every word in my e-mails to make sure that they didn't come across as mean or angry....and she still took them that way.
She claims that I fought her on everything...like not letting her take things from the house that she was entitled to, custody time, etc. -- I wasn't fighting, I was defending myself and I never did it in a hateful manner. Sometimes I wonder if her expectation was that I would lay down and let her and her L trample all over me and just take anything that they proposed. When I stood my ground on things it was viewed and "vengeful". I tried to tell her Saturday (calmly) that I was just trying to make it day by day back then and that I didn't have the energy to be spiteful....I really didn't.
Do I have to say that I was even though I wasn't? If I say "I can see how you see it that way but..." she seems not to really take it in. It almost feels as if she WANTS me to say I was out for blood and out to hurt her....I just wasn't.
Again, I have no problem admitting to bad things about myself or my actions -- I just struggle with this one.
What do we do when our respective realities on such a core issue are so out of synch??
