Crimson........Winds of change blowing???

[keep_going]

C

This is a tough issue. I completely agree with Crazyville in some regards.
- We should hold up a mirror and look at our mistakes, understand how they hurt our spouse so we can try to avoid them in the future. I think Crimson has done an amazing job since his stich started of looking at his role in the R and tried to fix and change his mistakes and issues.
- We should not only validate, but understand the deep hurts our spouses feel and try to re-establish their trust when re-building the R.

Yet, what Crimson's wife is bringing up re. the D can be a different situation. I believe that Crimson was acting in good faith to protect himself and his son's best interest and not being vindictive when he was fighting for 50/50 custody, to not be kicked out of his own house and to not be stuck with 10k of his wife's lawyers fees.

I am going thru the same issues with my own D. Everything I do, my H sees as me being vindictive and out to hurt him. I know in my heart, my L my family and those who know the situation understand that my position in the D is 100% based on what I believe is the best interest of my kids. Yet my H just doesn't agree, because HIS opinion of what is in the kids' best interest is different from mine. The difference is that I don't think my H is being vindictive (even though a lot of people believe so and have tried to convince me of that).

I think that D is not a time to try to appease your spouse or go against what YOU believe is best for you and your family just to try to make your spouse look at you in a good light. Chances are they wouldn't even if you gave in on all their demands because they are in a state of mind where they just want out, they want what THEY perceive is the best, they are on the defensive and they feel guilty on top of that.

If I remember correctly, Crimson himself also doubted his wife's intentions during the D based on what she was asking for. So it is not just her.

We usually don't discuss our intentions or motives with our spouses when we are divorcing, we are all protective and defensive (isn't the first piece of advice we all get here to "protect ourselves"?)

So I am not sure that there is anything Crimson could have done differently to change her mind then or even now. He might try to validate and try to understand her until the world ends, and try to convince her that he truly acted in good faith (and I believe he did), yet he might never get her to see things from his perspective.

I want to be clear - I do believe that Crimson (and all of us) should listen carefully to his wife's feelings and complaints and work on those that he CAN do something about. I just don't think it applies to the D.

To me, that state of mind during the D, makes it really, really difficult for her to see any goodwill or good intentions in him. So what is the point to continue re-visiting it?

Sometimes we need to maturely agree to disagree, LET IT GO and choose to be happy and not right and I think both Crimson and his W should do so re. this particular issue.