thinking about you and hope you're feeling nd doing okay. you've sure got your work cut out for you-
i don't know- this business of "god only gives you what you can handle" - i think i'm not so sure. i think we all have waaaay more than we can handle - yet we manage somehow to plug forward. i don't know what it is- what sort of God would want to torture perfectly nice human beings with this junk? i think it's random cruelty of man whose got free will. i vote that next time god just makes everyone nice and decent and humane and kind. what's so wrong with that?
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I feel like some of my married friends think I have some kind of contagious disease (stay away or you might be next!) and divorced friends don't entirely get it.
boy is that ever true. I even saw a magazine article saying "is it catching?" . i think men are jerky enough to think it looks good to them (well, my dope of a h anyway)
i think everyone in the world that knows us thinks i'm really nice BUT crazy (or lazy or scared or something like tht) and he's a giant rat that should be executed immediately. oh well huh? I really appreciate that the ones that see him from time to time manage to keep their opinions to themselves and interact like normal. i think in the end- it's alot easier for me if that is the case- he can just live in the dark til i figure out what's my own road here.
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I also know that deep down he loves and cares about me, and whoever he is right now, it's not him.
good for you to have such feeling and to also keep him worthy for your sons' sake. it's worthy goal. kids don't deserve to deal with all our adult junk - imho... time enough for that when they're alot older - (or never hopefully)
i began dbing thinking this (that he does in fact care deeply for me and imho loves me) - i hope i can manage to continue - but really am not sure anymore. today i feel quite hopeless about it all- it's wearing me down a bit. i hate having to be all hard and tough all the time- i'm just not.
WELL, your h's sadness or guilt will just be his price to pay- about SON 8. the poor kid- what the heck does HE feel in his little life to have his family life as he knows it pulled out from under his feet. i can only think how devastating i find it- and I was 60 yrs old and been around quite a bit. AND STILL - it was so awful i never could have fathomed how bad it could fee. even my dad's death when i was 18 after lung cancer for 6 months at home- didn't stack up to this. don't know how that could be- just is/was. i guess a girl's mate- devastaging.
SO- A KID - how would he feel other than so confused he could probably croak- thank goodness you've got good communication going with him and he can talk to you and tell you. i'd think that alone can be his salvation. my own personal theory about tragic people i've kn own - never talked about "IT" - anything, couldn't share, broodie, solitary, etc.
as long as he's talking and his feelings are validated- i'd think he'll be okay in the end. (but h will alwaysh ave alot to answer for) &*sorry, i can be judgemental sometimes - alot. i hate kids being hurt - even coincidentally... we're their protectors in life- how can we make it harder?
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Yes he will go to anything I ask him to, but he doesn’t ever ask me to go. I don’t want to be in that relationship again where I am his mother. Where everything is on me. He seems like he is just begging me to take up that role again, begging me to pursue him. And when I don’t, he just pursues other women. It’s that tightrope of being his friend, not wanting him to feel so isolated there is no path back, and then not wanting to be with him.
i know what you'e saying. why the heck is it like that? i don't want to be his mother. i certainly can't pursue if the whole m wd spiel is don't pursue- just detach and gal. my h also- he'll go if i ask- he doesn't offer or instigate. he has "somethign" with ow he cannot (or will not?) ever let go of? don't know- getting mighty tired of being understanding and feeling his indifference. i don't understand what they want from US - if they want that other life and ow? wtf?
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That feeling of just wanting to D him so I don’t have to try and make these contact decisions anymore.
SO - can it be THAT easy- just d him and it's over? i will be mighty sad and life disheveled i'd think for a long long time (maybe forever - don't know?) you have kids - you'll see him forever- you'll try and make it all happen for kids - to save them - to help them- CAN you get "out of it" anyway???? i'm not trying to be depressing here- i know you'll maybe feel unshackled- but out of it? even with only me and my heart - will 35 years disappear from my consciousness & memory? i wonder?
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At one point I was talking about the OW#3 and said that she was his type. H
i can hardly believe you have the self control and detachment to chat about this stuff. i still want to run over him with car. his ow was someone i was friends with back in the day- i hate her- i hate the thought of her- i don't know who else- i don't trust one thing about him or his words - or the past- i just can't talk about it like it's nothing tho-j ust cannot seem to go there- you sure have alot of intestinal fortitude- i'm in awe...
MY NOT-H began really going off deep end with computer- phone- ow(s) when he retired and got computer. TALK ABOUT not being boss anywhere- he came home fulltime and all of a sudden the house i'd run for 25 years wasn't big enough for both of us- it was HIS HIS HIS - his friends, his tennis, me not welcome anywehre all of a sudden. real issues - i cannot guessw where all that goes or ends. or if it ever ends.
i think he just used me for all those work years to have a happy peaceful comfortable home- now he's 18 again and wants freedom. idk- no juice to figure it out today...
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I’m just so torn. I so want to go and get a lawyer and get this over with, simply because of hating having to be on my toes around him and what to do and what to say, and because I feel so disrespected.
wow- that's where i am this morning too- tho not married so don't even need the attorney. i keep thinking should i get au-haul and haul my possessions out of this house and walk out of his life forever and be done with it. i'm so tired of the being strong- trying to be detached - always putting aside my feelings or reactions, etc.
is it all worth it? is he worth it? was i mistaken for 30 years? am i nuts ? is this working or am i just dragging my feet- BOY- IT IS SO HARD isn't it?
oh well- will continue to read along and be around. thanks for the note and thoughst- i have a bad feeling this is what we allllll feel.
it's just a matter of how long we can do it- one more day , stacked on one more day, etc.
my own pride nags me to just do something- end it- get off the hook somehow. my brain says have a job first - have the ability to pay a mortgage to buy him out of half of house- don't be a dope and go off half cocked.
i think either way- it'll be bad and i'll be sad & lonely & poor- what a combo huh? always seems prudent to wait one more day before diving into that particular new giantly sad aspect of my life.
NEVERMIND what the heck is goign on with him- i hate the moods and want him to grow up now. oh well- sorry to rant. you sure seem to have alot of this under control- i am riding it out as best i can- i do not even pretend to have control other than i'm getting waaay better at paitence and not fighting or even talking alot of the time with him-
i wonder if he even notices? oh well- i'm outta here-
sorry to be dreary today- you sound very well and "together' out there. it's amazing people's "stories" nd their fortitude. you're an inspiration. i'm stil marveling over your strength of character to be talking about ow, etc.
wow and wow - you're good - take care- keep you pma - sounds good with s8 - it's a big big job for you so goodl uck and we're all with you- hang in there. if you still feel he loves you- you can do it- one more day. you can always chuck it all tomorrow. i've told myself that about fifty million times. i don't know- 1.70 year since full knowledge - how long can i REALLY do it? don't know- but til tomorrow at least.
yay- valentines day- could that be any sadder????? oiy...
