I have been reading this forum for about a week now. I made a 180 mistake today and now I feel like posting and getting a little support along the way.
I guess I'll start with my story. Wife and I have been married for about 5 and half years. Been together for about 6.5 years. We have a 3 year old son.
First few years of marriage were great. We had our ups and downs, but nothing major. The wife comes from a very well to do family. At the end of 2009 her grandmother bought her a house. I changed careers and went into financial planning. I was doing very well for about 6 months until her grandmother was basically kidnapped by her uncle. 2 months after that grandma died and a very ugly estate battle began. So from 10/10 till today a lot stress has been added to the household. She is just now starting to talk to her sisters again. Money definitely does strange things to people. Anyways, when grandma died the wife received a good sum of money from a life insurance policy. On top of that I was helping a lot getting attorneys and things lined up for her mother. I got very involved and got distracted from my financial planning practice.
2011 and much of 2012 were terrible business wise for me an I found myself getting lazy and complacent. I definitely got comfortable. I make my own hours and work when I want. Well, when you have a roof over your head, no car notes and no debt it was easy to get comfortable if money wasn't coming in. Only problem is every couple months I would have to go to wife and ask her to transfer money to cover bills. I knew this was building up and getting worse, yet I didnt do anything about it. In the beginning of 2012 we became part owners of a bar with some mutual friends and our CPA. Around the same time the wife bought a horse and began to ride horses and spending a lot of time at the barn and going to horse jumping shows.
When I wasnt working I would find myself just laying around and being very passive. She was getting madder and madder. It got to the point that she would spend time in he bedroom and I would be in the living room without much communication. The wife has always been very stubborn and had a hard time communicating and opening up. So after a few years of marriage I stopped trying so much to communicate problems with her. Well, around May of last year I began going out 3 or 4 times a week. Sometimes not even coming home. Sometimes staying at a girls house in an extra bedroom and she knew it. I would tell her where I was staying.
I was just so miserable at home since all she did was sit on her laptop and watch tv. I just wanted to get out of the house. So the more I was out and drinking the more distant I became and worse it got. I would be hungover the next day and wouldn't have energy to work and not enough energy for my son. It was terrible.
Well around the beginning of November I stopped going out and decided to make some changes. I decided this because even though I was out all the time I was never taking that next step and cheating on my wife. I thought to myself, why I'm I continuing to drive a wedge further between my family and I if I'm not cheating or wanting out. So I quit and started seeing a counselor.
The beginning of December I began to tell something wasn't right. Had a bad feeling. Felt like maybe she was cheating or something. Especially when she decided to go to a horse show for 10 days and leave our 3 year old for that long. Well turns out the reason she was gone so long was to get away and get her feelings together. Her dad also met her there and she spoke to him. On 12/12/12 she hit me with, "this isn't working anymore, I want a divorce, neither one of us is happy, etc etc etc"
She had even already seen an attorney and filed. I was really mad at first about her seeing an attorney before even discussing it with me first. But then she said I would have talked my way out of it and manipulated her into staying. She's right! I would have.
I asked her to at least go to a counselor for one session and she agreed. On jan 3rd we went on saw a counselor. She was so angry an upset and hurt. She told counselor that i might change for a month or so, but not for good. she said i was such a good salesman and would say whatever to get her to stay. even the counselor said we needed some space apart before we could try and work on it together. She said the main 3 things were I wasn't supportive as a husband and father, I was a terrible father and that we have grown apart and aren't friends anymore.
I didnt disagree with anything.
On Jan 11th I moved out and got an apartment. We had dinner a couple days later to go over some things. We agreed to a "planned separation"
I would have our son every other weekend but also be able to see him when I want during the week if she was ok with that. All divorce proceedings off the table for 6 months and no dating or "other things" for 6 months.
We had a couple good conversations in the next couple weeks. Until she went out of town. She told me he was going to Birmingham and I ended up getting an email from delta since we have same skymiles account saying she was going to Atlanta. I asked her about it and she said she didn't tell me because she knew i would assume things. Well turns out I googled Atlanta horse shows and there was a show being put on by a guy who owns a horse show company that I've thought she might be interested in.
I told her I knew and she said yes, she was going to the show for a day or two to see friends and then going to Birmingham. Well My suspicions just kept eating at me and I had to know!
So I hacked her email and Facebook account. Then I hacked her iPhone location. I know it was absolutely stupid and immature, but I had to know.
Well late that night I read emails between her lawyer and her as well messages on Facebook between friends. I learned that she recorded our whole conversation on 12/12/12 when she broke the news to me and that he had asked her attorney when she could start dating since she has been emotionally detached for so long.
Through her Facebook messages I learned that she had asked people about this guy, but nothing more yet.
I also learned that she didnt think I could change so she was going to move on.
Well, the next day I looked at her location in her phone and sure enough she was at the guys house I was worried about. I texted her an told her I knew, etc, etc.
I called her and she answered the phone. She was extremely mad and said I'm done!! Well, we actually ended up talking for about 45 minutes an in that conversation she said, "if i wasn't giving you a chance why would I answer my phone or return your texts at all?"
That was a good point. I ended up picking her up at the airport the next day and we discussed everything. She said there was a 5 or 6 people staying at his house for he horse show and it wasn't like it was just the two of them and that nothing happened. We talked about things and I let it go.
Well on Superbowl Sunday we got in to it again. I told her I was upset because she said, "she would work on things", but so far hasn't done anything to show that. She said that she wasn't ready. At that point it became easier for me and I began to do a 180. Things were great for about 10 days until today she was over at my apartment and I began to ask her what she was doing about a job and what her plans where. I shouldn't have even asked, she got upset and left.
I have changed so many things about me the last couple months, but the one thing I have failed miserably at is giving her space. This is why I am joining the forum, to get advice:support from others and see if there is anything I can offer.
I know my wife is WAW and this was her last attempt at me changing. My goal at the moment is for the 2 of us to get to Retrovaille at the end of March. But each time I mess up, I know it's gonna be tougher. Any advice would be very much welcomed!
Sorry for the long post, but I figured I had to give the background