C, while I agree with your statement that the two of you may never agree on what happened, I'm not sure that's something that can be tossed off so casually, like remembering what happened at a casual social event. There will always be times that you don't agree on something. Heck, my H and I often don't agree on what happened 20 minutes ago.
Your exW shared some very personal feelings about her interpretation of your actions during the D. She basically saw a very dark side of you. Now maybe you see it very differently, I understand. But I believe most of us are not very good at holding a mirror up to ourselves and our behavior. Your exW is doing that for you.
Here's the kicker for you. If you don't at least get to a point where you understand what actions of yours caused her to feel that way, I'm not sure she'll ever feel like she can trust you again. My H has a quote taped on his mirror that reads, "Feeling heard is so close to feeling loved that few people can tell the difference." If your response to her is "I'm sorry you felt that way, it wasn't my intention," though it may be cordial and self-sharing, it will not address her fear. All that will translate to is that you did what you did and you would do it again because you don't see anything wrong with it. Giant red flag to someone that is already skittish. Especially since this is on top of her already feeling like she tried to get through to you within your M, yet you didn't hear her and see anything wrong with your actions then either.
BTW, I'm not judging you. I wasn't even there.
My H and I had an issue 3 months into our M. He let his unlicensed D drive my expensive sports car and then told her and her sister not to tell me. We have talked about this incident ad nauseum over the years, even in counseling. He keeps defending that it was only about a 1/2 mile, and that she actually had her permit. I keep saying that it was his deceitfulness that was the problem, that if he didn't think there was anything wrong with it he wouldn't have tried to hide it, plus that he taught his daughters that it was okay to disrespect me and my things. My point in all this is that I don't believe to this day that my H understands what he did wrong, and has done similar things since and lied about it to evidence that. I simply can't believe that he won't do it again.
If your exW doesn't believe that you hear what you did "wrong" in her perspective, then she has no reason to believe that you won't do it again.
