reforce on me

[littleGTO]

Sorry, had to cut off last post. H just called which he NEVER has done at 11:00 at night after boys have gone to bed.

First of all his sister called him and then I called her today. She found out last night she has breast cancer. Will start chemo at beginning of March. Very sad.

H called to ask what the name of the type of cancer she has is as he forgot. Told him & then we got to talking about boys and that 2/3 of them had difficult nights tonight.

He said he's tired of me making him feel like their behaviors at night (when he's not here) are completely his fault. I don't think I do this...I feel like I just try to tell him what's going on with the boys, b/c he asked me to.

Somehow we got onto other "old" topics like how the boys' schedules are just too busy like always (this is a sore spot for H as he feels he has to do most of the shlepping around). I validated his feelings.

ANother "old" beef of his was that he feels he spends "more time than most dads spend w their kids & still does." I validated but said that the boys only know their dad, not others, so his absence at night is still something they are adjusting to. (In reference to the boys having issues at night.)

Finally, one last thing he brought up was how he didn't get enough time for himself and when he did I always complained (like how long he would be gone to go to the gym). Something I've apologized for um-teen times. He recognized my change about this last SPring (before BD even) but said it had been "years" of my complaining. I tried to validate, but said I had recognized my shortcoming of not recognizing his need for time and space w/o my complaints.

Finally he said "People may think that my moving out is all my fault but it was a two-way street." I felt compelled to point out that his moving out was his decision not mine but that I take ownership in some of the problems that caused our R to suffer.

The conversation was stressful and he cut it off at that point saying he didn't call to talk about "these things" and so he was going to go. Instead of just saying "okay" I got upset and can't even remember what I said before we both hung up.

It was a backslide, I know. But, how much further can I slide from the bottom???

Not feeling good about my lack of control over my emotions in our conversation.