Glad to hear you had a better day. I find that after a LOW day that you have nowhere to go but up!
"When I am detached to the point where those things don't affect my emotions, something is probably drastically wrong."
I agree w this point... or is it the other way around...when you are detached to the point where those things don't affect your emotions, something is probably going RIGHT?!"
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
[spoiler]That is very insightful. Sandi is awesome!
Now, I will be the first to admit that I am not ready to jump back into our old M. I am sure things would quickly go sideways. We have many issues, on both sides, that we need to work out. I am willing to work slowly in it, stay separated, whatever, with the understanding that it may not work. This is pretty much the situation you are in tallula. You're both on board .I would LOVE to be in your sitch right now, or to just have my wife show ONE sign that she isn't 100% done. That is all I would need. Unfortunately, I am working on myself alone, all alone. I know, DBing is for "ME", and I am working hard towards being a better person. I really am. It just doesn't make it any easier when you know your S isn't putting in any work and shows no signs of returning.
It is just discouraging....today is discouraging. tomorrow WILL BE BETTER...I have to remind myself of that. _________________
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It must be a man thing! How many times I have read where the LBH say he can do whatever it takes.........IF ONLY he knew she would be on board to give the M another chance! He wants the answer before he asks the question!!!
My H wanted. To know that I was going to put 100 percent effort in working on our M. Well guess what? I was so angry when he made that statement, I almost decided to leave. How dare him say that to me! I was the one who had worked so hard all those decades.......while he did nothing! My god, it was taking all I had just to not get a D, and he expected 100 percent from me? What percent had he given?
I'm trying to get you to hear me. It's great if you get your eyes open and want to be the H you should have been all this time, but a LBH is not being realistic to want a sign from her. As long as you pine for a sign, you are thinking in fantasy land. She can't give you a sign that she's not totally done! Listen, she can't. In her mind set and in her emotions....she is done and right now she cannot muster up a sign for you. To do so would mean that. She had to feel and think differently.
Now you can determine to go forth and become a better person.......not based on getting her back, but based on having a better future. Or......you can stunt whatever growth possible by having the attitude that you don't want to do all of that effort and end in vain. Which would mean that it was totally a gimmick to get her back in the first place.......and it would not stick anyway.
I'm repeating myself, but I can tell from the above post that you're still holding out for what she can give you. Maybe someday, when she sees the man you once were and she sees it has stuck.......but she can't do it now.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
In the last 5 days I almost feel like some switch has gone off inside of me. I don't know if it's a good thing, permanent or just something that is part of the changing weather. Although, I find myself much less interested in my W or what she is thinking or doing. Don't get me wrong, this week has been a piece of cake staying detached, which makes my life easier. I have also found that I am less interested in interacting with her, when she calls or stops by to pick up/drop off D, I find myself being almost short, like I don't really want to mince words or time as much as I have. She texted me today, and it was all I could do to muster up the interest in responding. She was asking me whether my business partners were referring to her work termination as "fired" or "laid off". She was concerned that "fired" paints her in a bad light. I could really care less, but I did reply that I had no idea, but I would pass along her info to the office. Yesterday, she texted me to make sure I would be able to get D to her daisys' meeting. Unfortunately, I was running late, D had homework and D and I had made previous plans to make some Valentines cupcakes. Therefore, she skipped her meeting. I didn't even respond to W's text. I know that's wrong, but I just wasn't interested in communicating with her. I felt pretty disconnected at the moment.
I fear this shift in emotion will affect my DBing to some degree. I just don't have much to say or be upbeat about when engaging W. I feel Dull, or slightly numb in regards to her.
So, is this sudden change in emotional interest a common thing? I'm not happy. I would still like my family back together. I do still miss her greatly, but I just feel a little disinterested this past week. Maybe this is a portion of the roller coaster that I haven't been on yet?????
So, is this sudden change in emotional interest a common thing? I'm not happy. I would still like my family back together. I do still miss her greatly, but I just feel a little disinterested this past week. Maybe this is a portion of the roller coaster that I haven't been on yet?????
I can't tell you if it's common, but I can tell you that I sure do relate to what you're saying. It's been 3 months since your S and it was about at that same time for me that I started losing interest in engaging W. I just became very ambivalent about her. Before S I would sit around all day wondering if she was going to text, call or email. But after S I was less and less interested until around the 3 month mark where I just quit caring whether I heard from her or not. And I had zero interest in contacting her myself. It's not that I hated her, or was angry at her, or wanted to teach her a lesson; nothing like that. I just quit caring. For me that was when the real detachment started. Once I got to that point the emotional cycling stopped and I was finally to the point where I knew I would be OK with or without W. I can't say if that's where you're headed, but what you describe is familiar to me.
I have come to the conclusion that my D has more clothes than any human can possibly fit inside of one bedroom.
Boy do I know this feeling. I'm shocked at how many clothes my D7 owns. If I have half as much as her I'd be surprised.
Sandi - Your last post made a lot of sense to me. A vet on here has been driving that into my head the last couple weeks and it makes sense. I'm now to the point where I don't even want a sign from W. I'm making a lot of progress on myself now and I'm not ready to try to R yet. Need a little more time to tune me up first. Whatever happens after that is gravy...
I am glad to see you doing better SP. I've had a similar feeling with my W but I think it's because now I'm the center of my own attention (plus the kids of course). I'm reflecting on myself so much and working on me I just don't have time to worry about her anymore.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
AS and Spartan, thanks for letting me know I am not alone in those feelings!
It seems like, today anyway, I am almost on cruise control in regards to my W and M. She texted me AGAIN today regarding an up coming trip I might be taking to Vegas. She offered to switch me some parenting days. I just responded, "sounds good. I will let you know". But, the truth is, I don't even know if I am going to let her know. I am pretty confident making my own plans, and happy to make them work within my parenting needs. Besides, I know how to dial the baby sitters number if I have to
Spartan, I think you may be right. I have been pretty involved in my own things this last week and perhaps that is the reason for my change in focus. The funny thing is, most of the stuff I have been involved in isn't new. It's all the old stuff I do, like simply cleaning the garage and weeding the flower beds....I guess instead of referring to it as GAL, I will start calling it HAL (Had a life)...haha
Not too common sharing a picture around here, but D did pretty good job decorating her Cupcakes. She is only 6 years old....ya, a couple are missing. Please don't tell her
Thank you. I appreciate you telling me it helped you. That's what keeps me here....hoping to help somebody. One thing about this board is you never know who else is reading, so hopefully, there are more couples out there that we all help a little.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
