From the beginning...

[movingon-1968]

Do you believe that she's gone crazy? It doesn't really sound like she is to me, it sounds more like a typical WAS scenario. The reason I ask is because if you think she's crazy then I'm concerned that your reaction to that is going to be to try and "fix" her, in which case you're just going to drive her farther away. Your focus needs to be on fixing yourself.

No, I do not. Keep in mind, my posts are WAY behind where we actually are since this happened over a year ago and my posts are slowly being moderated. Since this started in the summer of 2011, I’ve lost 80lbs, have picked up several hobbies to occupy my time and have become much more independent than I had been. Ironically which, she always complained I spent too much time doing so I stopped to spend more time with her…

The WAS often rewrites history to convince themselves that leaving is the right thing to do.

I have learned this. Doesn’t make it much easier to accept, but, I have…

Your job is to not react to this type of comment. It's just not true. She wasn't unhappy for 24 years, but she has convinced herself she was. All you can do is give her time and space and hope that someday the fog clears and she will remember the good in the marriage as well.

I have learned this as well. Again, sometimes it’s the polar opposite of easy…

The problem is when a wife complains about things, we men often interpret it as nagging rather than a cry for help. So they complain and we shut them out. This pattern repeats for years until finally they're "done".

You are so correct. I’ve been reading ‘If Only Men Knew…’ by Gary Smalley and I can see where I’ve made mistakes. Of course, I could sit back and talk all day long about the methods used by W to ‘cry for help’ but that would be counterproductive – I’m trying to correct the flaws I have identified in myself; which are the only things I have control over. I used to think that if W cheated on me it’d be over. These last few years have shown me that I do have unconditional love for her, as I do believe as long as she puts forth a determined effort to fix things I could work thru anything. If she ever comes to that decision, I’ll be sure to let everyone know – we’re not there yet…

I'm glad you see that now, because you're right, confronting OM is the wrong thing to do. Your W will just see it as controlling, manipulative behavior on your part. You can't stop her from seeing OM, she has to decide that for herself.

I certainly wasn’t viewing it as controlling, but, I began to see how she could see it that way. A lot had happened since that day. Ultimately, she DID begin to see where he had motives other than just a business partnership.

Don't get drawn into that. From now on all communications with your W need to be happy and fluffy.

I actually started this back in April of 2011 – I think. I stopped responding to any text messages or emails about our relationship by telling her – ‘I refuse to use this medium to discuss our problems. These conversations can wait until you’re ready to talk about ‘us’ face to face.’ The happy and fluffy part came later, lol.

She's being honest, she really doesn't know. So quit pressuring her!!! No more R or M talks at all. No more pressure of any kind. No more arguments. No bad attitude. Be happy and upbeat around her. Get out and get a life for yourself. Work on your PMA. Get DR if you haven't already and read it and follow it. Also read and follow Sandi's 180 tips at the top of the forum.

I’ve come to realize this – and much more. There’s a whole lot more to the story coming as soon as it gets moderated!!

Thanks for all the feedback!!!