I truly don't think he is, or when he would be able to. He's in constant communication with me and it's so different then it has been. I'm really thinking it was a test, a juvenile and needy test, but a test just the same. It's the only time he has said anything remotely like that.
Oh, OK. Just be careful. You'd be wise to have a really strong transparency plan in place as you two go forward, including at least one channel that's NOT known to your husband.
Thank you Starsky. I agree completely. And fortunately, so does my H. Transparency is a key component to our communication right now. So, I am going to continue to work to rebuild trust, unless it's proven that I shouldn't.
He's been home for a whole day and it's been wonderful so far. Close, caring communication. Planning for our future. Patience and understanding. Every day, a small step forward. We have MC on Monday, so it may get heavier when we have someone to mediate. But, I'm feeling good about having those conversations, as painful as some of them may be. At least I have the opportunity to actually have them.
Thanks for all of your support and advice. You have no idea how helpful you all have been throughout all of this, regardless if you've posted on my thread or not. Just reading everyone's stories and responses to each other, this community is so supportive and inciteful.
Things are going well with him home. We went to MC today. It was kind of heavy but had a really good session, which initiated more talk at dinner afterwards. One day at a time, but he sees the changes I have been making and he recognizes the support and patience needed on his end to help me heal and trust again.
He's here for another week, so am just going to live in the moment and enjoy rediscovering who my H is again. It feels good to have a partner again. One who is engaged and sees the future with you. I honestly wasn't sure I would ever be here with my H again.
Some difficult conversations yesterday about OW, my feelings, his feelings, regret, pain, anger, insecurities, etc. It was the first time I had allowed myself to really cry in front of him about my pain during our separation, and finding photos and texts from him and OW during that time. I let loose and cried like I have had before in front of him. Once I started, the floodgates were open and I couldn't stop.
He held me and apologized and said the things I needed to hear from him. Today, I feel feel better after finally letting out a lot of that pain I was holding back from him.
H flew back yesterday (he's refusing to call his place back east 'home' now). Shipping things back to our house, preparing for a second interview next week out here. We'd already bought the plane tix to have him back next week, so the second interview worked out perfectly.
Ok, so I'm going to share something silly that I either read on here or some other online community. I thought it was absolutely ridiculous when I read it, but had shared it with H when he was home and ended up using it and it was highly effective. I had read somewhere about removing your clothes when you are arguing or tension is rising in a conversation about R (or just in general during reconciliation). Well, H actually did this while we were discussing something that was getting heated. Honestly, it was the best thing he could have done. I can't remember laughing that hard in a long time, it broke the tension and helped me realize I was slipping into old communication patterns.
Roles reversed when I used that tactic on him later that week. He looked up at me and just smiled and said, "I was being an a$$, wasn't I? Thanks for reminding me and getting us back on track".
Now, I will mention...we were home! Not out at Disneyland or something like that! But, it just goes to show you that thinking outside the box sometimes is pretty effective.
H is doing all the things I would hope he would do during this time. Communicating, keeping me in the loop on absolutely everything, changed his email address, new phone number that will be finally officially switched over when he moves home (with the local area code), showing me he loves me, giving me space when I need it, understanding how I need to heal...
But, the past few days I have just had this anger bubbling under the surface. Angry at him and how he hurt me, angry at her and what she shared with him, even though she didn't know, anger at myself for my role in getting where we got.
Now, logically, my head tells me we are doing well, that this will be a roller coaster of emotions, we're moving in the right direction, both wanting to move together. But, for some reason, lately I have had this overwhelming desire to scream and cry and throw things at him (I don't and I won't, just a feeling, my inner child screaming at him for the pain) and destroying her (which of course I would never do). But this anger, it sits there, perched on my chest, tensed in my jaw, sitting, waiting to be released upon someone. It won't be. And I don't know if I'd even admit my anger to those around me. But here...I can. I can let it out without fear of being judged, or hurt, or punished for feeling the feelings I occasionally have.
Ok, so I'm going to share something silly that I either read on here or some other online community. I thought it was absolutely ridiculous when I read it, but had shared it with H when he was home and ended up using it and it was highly effective. I had read somewhere about removing your clothes when you are arguing or tension is rising in a conversation about R (or just in general during reconciliation). Well, H actually did this while we were discussing something that was getting heated. Honestly, it was the best thing he could have done. I can't remember laughing that hard in a long time, it broke the tension and helped me realize I was slipping into old communication patterns.
LOL! You may have seen me mention it on these forums, but it's actually something Michele described in DR. She said it was an older couple that used the technique, so you can imagine it's doubly hilarious when you're exposing wrinkly, flabby, pale bodies while trying to argue with someone The two of them had a similar reaction to yours, they were laughing so hard that they couldn't continue arguing So glad to hear it's working for you too, it does sound like a big way to change the dynamics of an argument!
Frozen, This is the place to vent. I do not doubt that you are feeling angry even though your H has agreed to work on your M. I even think those feelings are mentioned as being completely normal in DR. You have every right to BE angry. The difficult bit is controlling it to a manageable level with H or until such time as you both are ready to address it.
H got a job offer and plans are moving ahead to move him across country back to CA. This is the news we have been waiting for, to finally be able to move forward with our marriage. Then why am I hesitant and having moments of panic?
I have been struggling lately with forgiveness and pain, which is absolutely manifesting into anger that I have no idea where to put. I want to squash it and just move forward,it's not productive and keeping me from progressing through my healing. I am frustrated because I feel like some of the things I really want to get off my chest and work through with H, I can't do until we are both living here and in MC together. We have gone together a couple times when he has been home, but because of our living situation and limited time, haven't been able to really get into the dirty under the surface stuff.
Reading Denver's posts lately, I completely relate to what he has to say. I know my situation hasn't been as lengthy as some on here, but I can guarantee the pain and the emotional/physical turmoil equates. Now that things are moving forward, I feel cheated in a way. Can I admit that here? I feel like I sacrificed my dignity and my needs to get us to the place where we could love forward again. And it doesn't feel good.
I'm honestly not trying to come off as the victim here. This was a choice I made, to fight for my marriage and not walk away, I'm just feeling exhausted, like I put in all the work, working on myself, making the road home for him easier, etc. and now he's coming home. I know we haven't even hit some of the hardest stuff we have yet to deal with. We both are on board with changing our marriage. And I'm absolutely grateful for that. I know there are plant of people on here who are probably thinking, "stop being a B, suk it up and be thankful you have the opportunity because I would kill for it".
I'm just in a weird place emotionally, feeling guilty for feeling resentful and wanting more, instead of being thankful for what we've accomplished so far. Am I just being totally weird and selfish or have some of you fluctuated through these feelings too?
The two of them had a similar reaction to yours, they were laughing so hard that they couldn't continue arguing 
So glad to hear it's working for you too, it does sound like a big way to change the dynamics of an argument!