Wife said she was done!

[sandi2]

I like how you sound in your last post. You are proof of what a man can do when he makes up his mind! I admire anyone who can do what you are doing to work through the dependency or addictions.

I know you feel anxious, but the fact that's she's still in the same house gives you so much opportunity to prove you are determined to be the best man you can be. Spending time with your sons is not overlooked by her. She may not say anything positive, but she sees it. And playing with the baby......get him laughing! That stirs something in a woman when she sees & hears her man causing her child to laugh with delight, as only children can do. Just don't push it until it gets on her nerves. I've seen some men do it until you could pull your hair out! The secret is "balance". Don't be the good guy who comes home and just "plays" with the kids, but do your part in teaching them. I'm glad you explained your stand on the boundaries you tried to instill, and how your W did not want those "restraints" on the boys. I agree 100% with you, and I can see how frustrating it could become. Some mothers think like your W does, and they make it tough for the dad. I was the parent who thought like you do, and I always came out as being the "bad guy", which I resented a lot. My H never disciplined our kids.....not once. If any rules were laid out, I had to enforce and apply the consequences. It's hard when it is one-sided.

My advice for you for your present stitch (with your W and your children) is to to choose what matters most today. B/c you are living in a day-to-day relationship. Of course you are thinking about the future, but right now....you are taking it one step at a time. This is a fragile time in your M and it will be a mountain to climb. No matter how high, you still take it one step at a time. If you start scaling (or whatever the term), you stand a big chance of falling (if not very experienced) and the same is true in this process.

I am a bit confused on what to do as I would like to talk to her about her depression and grief but with the 180’s it indicates to pull back and to be scarce with words. My distance before is what drove her to have an EA.

Let me try to explain the 180's. A 180 for me may not be the same 180 for you. However, since she is considered a WAW, any relationship talk will push her away. Small talk doesn't cause pressure like personal topics. But this woman doesn't want to be with you, so you have to act as if she is just another person sharing the same building. Conduct yourself as you would around a co-worker. Polite, but not cozy. Friendly, but not chummy. And of course, no suggestion of intimacy. This is what you have to do for this time frame.

The most important act that you can do for her right now....is to just listen to her, in case she does talk. And if she doesn't talk....she sees you are "there" anyway. A 180 for you could be to stop going into the man cave and just be present in the house with the family (which you seem to be doing now).

What seems to be difficult for a lot of men is the idea of not talking to their W about the MR, and confusing detaching or back off with being cold. Understand that you are not to act cold, sullen, pouting, angry, moody, resentful or unfriendly. But it is more of a "polite" manner of friendliness, and not a chummy type manner. It may not make sense to man who is desperate to save the R, but that's the manner that's needed to deal with a WAW. If she doesn't feel you pressuring her to talk, then she will not try to put up higher walls. But the more you try to prompt her, the more chance you have in hearing her make decisions you don't want.
But if she sees you interested in the insignificant things she says.....then she'll feel free to talk about more personal things. Here is a key piece of advice for men: Look in her eyes when she speaks.[u][/u][/b] Otherwise, she thinks you aren't really listening. And I would go further...and tell you to look at her when you speak to her (especially when you give a response to something she says). Don't do it in a creepy way.......like you are trying to eat her alive, but to give [b]respect.....like you would a co-worker.

Another issue a lot of men have....is not knowing for certain how she feels, or they want some kind of sign that there could be a little hope. Don't even get into that mindset b/c it's a death trap for you emotionally. She's given you her intentions, and now you have to live as if you've had your eyes open (and you have) and act (not talk) like you are going to change yourself for the better and plan to be happy......with or without her in your life. Trust me....it has a giant effect.

She not only has to see that a M with you could be much better (since your changes), but she has to trust you to keep those changes and not revert back to that person she bombed. Something that large only comes in due time.

Now, if there is another man in her mind (real or unreal.....present or past.......available or unavailable), or if she's just wanting to be free to window shop for OM, you've got another level of a WAW. But, it is not unreachable!