Help/Advice needed please...

[Intact]

^

[Spartan]

Almost word for word what my W said. Don't get hopes up, she has to feel something, etc... I think her quote was "You'll be the first to know if I change my mind but until I feel something again I'm going through with this". Difference is our paperwork is still filed .

Just continue to work on yourself, show your W through actions that you have changed, and appreciate the time she's giving you.

[Intact]

Almost word for word what my W said. Don't get hopes up, she has to feel something, etc... I think her quote was "You'll be the first to know if I change my mind but until I feel something again I'm going through with this". Difference is our paperwork is still filed .

Just continue to work on yourself, show your W through actions that you have changed, and appreciate the time she's giving you.

Yeah I thought it may be pretty standard - so hard not to get my hopes though - not really sure how to act now either - should I mention it again?

[Mach1]

I told her I understood how she felt. She also stated that I am a very different man to the one she left.

Then BE that person...

Interestingly, she told me that she was desperate for some feeling or conviction to want to try again but it just wasn't there yet.

Listen to what she said there...^^^^

should I mention it again?

I would take a butter knife, and find an electrical outlet, then stick the knife in, until you pass out...

Seriously though...

You are making progress in what you are DOING, not SAYING...

You really want to sabotage your efforts ?

She said that she is looking for some feelings toward the positive, so don't feed her feelings toward the negative...

????

[Grace_O]

I would take a butter knife, and find an electrical outlet, then stick the knife in, until you pass out...

What he said. Seriously.

[Intact]

Thanks for the advice - she did say she wants to keep the line of communication open so I may send her a email tomorrow night - nothing heavy - just something simple.

At least for today I feel pleased as I think scrapping the divorce is a good step forward in my DB.

[JBolt]

- she did say she wants to keep the line of communication open so I may send her a email tomorrow night - nothing heavy - just something simple.

Intact, I really think you should not contact her. Let her contact you. Continue to give her space to think. I know how hard this is.

Look, you got a piece of sorta good news yesterday. She sees positive changes you have made and she is not as sure about D as she once was. You must know her vacillating on this is concern for your S and probably has little to do with you. This is good though, it shows some level of responsibility. BUT, she is obviously still in la-la land and needs space. As you well know by now, her feelings about D could change in a week, tomorrow, or later tonight.

I have had to learn the hard way, as many of us do, to stop trying to figure out my W's state of mind. While my W has not filed, her current attitude after 4 months into this is that I’m to blame for everything and our trial separation is time she is giving me to adjust to single life. I pushed and prodded until I got that bit of info and it did not improve my sitch or help my PMA (about destroyed it again actually). She finally told me point blank, you can file now or you can wait a few months, makes no difference to her. As she has done the last 25 years, she is expecting that I will initiate the process, basically do it all for her. I told her I would not, that she will have to do this without my help. Anyway, I will not initiate any contact with her again, unless it’s about D10 and D15 and only if she absolutely has to know. Sorry to hijack the thread like this!

Intact, I think most of the folks in this forum will tell you the same thing. An email about nothing really pertinent tomorrow will be seen as pursuing and likely close lines of communication. She can talk to you whenever she feels like it. Let her.

[RockJC]

"but too me they're just not valid enough"

Exactly how I feel.

[Intact]

- she did say she wants to keep the line of communication open so I may send her a email tomorrow night - nothing heavy - just something simple.

Intact, I really think you should not contact her. Let her contact you. Continue to give her space to think. I know how hard this is.

Look, you got a piece of sorta good news yesterday. She sees positive changes you have made and she is not as sure about D as she once was. You must know her vacillating on this is concern for your S and probably has little to do with you. This is good though, it shows some level of responsibility. BUT, she is obviously still in la-la land and needs space. As you well know by now, her feelings about D could change in a week, tomorrow, or later tonight.

I have had to learn the hard way, as many of us do, to stop trying to figure out my W's state of mind. While my W has not filed, her current attitude after 4 months into this is that I’m to blame for everything and our trial separation is time she is giving me to adjust to single life. I pushed and prodded until I got that bit of info and it did not improve my sitch or help my PMA (about destroyed it again actually). She finally told me point blank, you can file now or you can wait a few months, makes no difference to her. As she has done the last 25 years, she is expecting that I will initiate the process, basically do it all for her. I told her I would not, that she will have to do this without my help. Anyway, I will not initiate any contact with her again, unless it’s about D10 and D15 and only if she absolutely has to know. Sorry to hijack the thread like this!

Intact, I think most of the folks in this forum will tell you the same thing. An email about nothing really pertinent tomorrow will be seen as pursuing and likely close lines of communication. She can talk to you whenever she feels like it. Let her.

Thanks for this - it's really good advice. Think I'll leave the email for now...

She sent me a couple of texts tonight - just regarding our Son but they were nice and humorous. It is far too easy to get carried away by these things and I realise I have to be patient.

Strangely today (for the first time) she mentioned the problems in our marriage - she told me we both had faults but felt the problems were more her fault for not speaking up sooner. I told her that I understood how she felt but this whole incident had forced me to take a long hard look at myself - and I didn't like all of what I saw. I said I felt we both shouldered some of the blame for our troubled marriage.

I know a lot of the back peddling is to do with her Son - I think she would love to be a family - but not particularly with me. I'm hoping my consistent changes may change her perception of this.

[Mach1]

I think scrapping the divorce is a good step forward in my DB.

It is, although...

It doesn't give you a free pass from working on yourself...

It can start again, as quickly as it was "scrapped"