Hello Everyone. I and my husband are both 29, married 3 years, dated 3 years. He is Japanese, I am American. My husband the past year has had dome depression issues.
His cousin committed suicide a year ago and since then has had low energy and negative thinking. He always was affectionate to me, no problems in the bedroom department. I have always been very happy with him but not always very happy with the living situation in Tokyo. Its very crowded and expensive here. My husband was always able to function well, go out, visit friends, ect.
However last year in August i went to visit my family in Seattle for a month and when I came back he was a totally different person. We got into a small argument and he stated he didnt love me anymore, wanted me to go back to seattle, said he was so happy when i was gone (said im grumpy all the time, nothing more) and he wanted a divorce. I was totally shocked to say the least and tried to press him for more information. He had no answers for me other than saying he was depressed and I caused it.
I told him if he really felt that way to send me back to the USA. He has no money to send me back so of course this will not happen and I spent my lifes saving on our wedding and coming to this country so I cant send myself back unless i stop contributing financially to the home (we split bills 50/50)
we have lived in Limbo since then, we are not physical with each other at all. If I try to even pat him on the back he tells me to go away. He also goes out sometimes and wont tell me where he is going. If I ask he tells me to mind my own business. I have no evidence of an affair but it IS a possibility. He is on medication now, was put on it about 2 months ago but he is a long way off from recovery.
I am giving him time to get better but there is no guarantee he will be a nice guy after his medication sets in. I really dont want a divorce but I dont want to be married to a jerk either. I dont know if a 180 would work on a depressed spouse either.
Has any one else dealt with this before? can anyone give me some advice? I love my husband with all my heart but he says he no longer loves me and cant forgive me for any small things I have done in the past. Btw, there has been NO infidelity on my part and most of my free time is spend with him or at home. He says he hates the little things I do, which he wont tell me what those are so he might be making things up just to stay mad at me.
He still talks of divorce any time we argue. Im getting tired of hearing it. Help!
Believe none of what he says and half of what he does. Have NO EXPECTATIONS. Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise. Most of us lose weight after BD.
You are on moderation right now on the forum. SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Your H is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely. This is the right place to be. You will get to the right place again. This part is in YOUR control.
I have always been very happy with him but not always very happy with the living situation in Tokyo. Its very crowded and expensive here. My husband was always able to function well, go out, visit friends, ect.
It sounds like he loves it there and you hate it, is that correct? If you were able to reconcile with him, how do you see this playing out long term? What would "happily married" look like to you?
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said im grumpy all the time, nothing more
If you don't like it there I'm guessing there's something to this. How would you describe your attitude?
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we have lived in Limbo since then, we are not physical with each other at all. If I try to even pat him on the back he tells me to go away. He also goes out sometimes and wont tell me where he is going. If I ask he tells me to mind my own business.
That sounds like a really miserable way to live.
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I dont know if a 180 would work on a depressed spouse either.
If you're "grumpy" then a 180 would be to be to act happy instead. You can't possibly lose with a 180 like that. 180's are about taking stock of what you're doing wrong and do the opposite. Even if it doesn't save your M it will make you a better person.
Anotherstander: i dont mind living in japan, it different but its exciting too. I like to sightsee and walk around alot so its not like im cooped up all day. I do have friends here to that i hang out with. I was unhappy because my husband never upheld his end of things financially. He was at first working full time but quit his job because he didnt like thr management and then found a part time job. I was also working partime but as the months went by he never had the drive to get a full time job. Subsiquently we never had money to do anything fun, only live day to day and if i wanted to do anything special i had to work the extra hours to make th extra money, he would never lift a finger to try harder. Maybe part of his depression too.
Grace_O: his family is fine with me, they even tell him to be extra sensitive about me because i am a foreigner. I talk to them often so we are not strangers. They were at our wedding and gave us their blessing. No problems with the inlaws.
In the mean time, i am working on my health right now. I had a scarry episode on yaz birth control and now im off of it and doing herbal therapy to help with some of the problems it caused me. I am also going to the philippines this month to visit my grandma! So i am very much getting a life and enjoy myself. I invited my husband but of course he said no. Oh well, i will just go alone and enjoy myself and my time with my grandma alone.
Hi Grace_O, since I am a new comer all my posts have to approved so my reply may take a few days to reach you. since my last reply, My husband and I had a big talk last night which didnt go to well but it only re affirms my belief that he is totally crazy.
He has now changed his story for wanting the divorce, he still wants one but instead of it being "its because your unhappy all the time" (because in the past 4 months I for surely GAL'd it and have been doing many things on my own, got my hair done, a make over, hanging out with friends, going around tokyo, ect. He admits I have been acting better these days but that now we are just "imcompatible."
thats not what he said before his depression set in, before it was "i cant live with out you, i love you, your the only one for me...yadda yadda"
The meds he is on has helped him alittle but he is still not on full dosage yet and absolutely does not want therapy or to talk to anyone about his issues. In fact he gets verbally abusive with me if I even suggest it.
So last night I simply ended the converstion because it went no where other than with him one again re affirming his warped beliefs about me being the sole cause of his depression and if I leave it will "magically" go away.
I did ask him some important questions in a non emotional way like, :If i leave you then what, what will you do?
What if your depression gets worse when I leave?
what if life is harder for you after I leave?
What if you regret the divorce once your depression lifts?
Of course had no answer for it other than, "i cant get better until you go away."
Well...I DONT BUY IT. I simply dont believe him. Something is wrong in his head and its messing with his ability to think straight. I dont believe a word that comes out of his mouth. SO going back to what Cadet first replied "believe none of what he says and half of what he does." holds very true here.
Yesterday, Husband and I had a long talk. He still thinks seperating is best and he always mentions it in casual conversation off handedly.
I have told him under no conditions am I leaving the house unless he pays for my move back to the USA. I paid for my own moving fee and wedding expenses when we got married so I think its fair if he does that for me. If not then he must not be very serious about wanting the divorce.In fact I paid for my own wedding rings and all the furniture in the home too.
Im just going to have to sit this one out and let him decide what he wants because if he really wants to end our marriage he can do it on his own with his own resources. Im not lifting a finger.
He has now changed his story for wanting the divorce, he still wants one but instead of it being "its because your unhappy all the time" (because in the past 4 months I for surely GAL'd it and have been doing many things on my own, got my hair done, a make over, hanging out with friends, going around tokyo, ect. He admits I have been acting better these days but that now we are just "imcompatible."
Well the good news is that he is noticing your changes. It's normal for the WAS to resist it when the LBS changes, they either don't believe the changes or see them as temporary tricks to bring the WAS back. So just stick with it. Over time he may change his mind. Just give him as much time and space as you can.
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The meds he is on has helped him alittle but he is still not on full dosage yet and absolutely does not want therapy or to talk to anyone about his issues.
Is he on anti-depressants? It can take 4 to 8 weeks for them to really reach full effect, so maybe he just needs more time to adjust to them.
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In fact he gets verbally abusive with me if I even suggest it.
Don't pressure him about the M. Just pull back. Don't put any pressure on him at all. Every time you do it clearly doesn't go well, so don't do it!
Nice that you are getting a life and getting around more. I love Tokyo and there is always something to do so....keep your self busy and I would not bring it up again.
It can take several weeks for AD's to kick in and the thing is it may or may not be the one that works for him.
My D went though a few to fine not just one but a combination that worked.
