During the run-up to the wedding, W's grandfather, who raised her, pulled me aside and gave me a warning. I still remember this word for word because I couldn't believe I was actually hearing it. He said (trying to avoid using real names):
Sometime in her mid to late 30's L (my W) might go crazy.
Do you believe that she's gone crazy? It doesn't really sound like she is to me, it sounds more like a typical WAS scenario. The reason I ask is because if you think she's crazy then I'm concerned that your reaction to that is going to be to try and "fix" her, in which case you're just going to drive her farther away. Your focus needs to be on fixing yourself.
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That night as she was driving me home, she said she just felt like we got married too soon, and we’ve grown apart, and that maybe we shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place.
The WAS often rewrites history to convince themselves that leaving is the right thing to do.
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She said she was still confused about a lot, but, for her, all the unhappiness started the day we got married. I was floored. I had no clue how anyone could be unhappy for 24 years and say NOTHING.
Your job is to not react to this type of comment. It's just not true. She wasn't unhappy for 24 years, but she has convinced herself she was. All you can do is give her time and space and hope that someday the fog clears and she will remember the good in the marriage as well.
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She said she felt like she’s been screaming from the roof tops but nobody listened.
The problem is when a wife complains about things, we men often interpret it as nagging rather than a cry for help. So they complain and we shut them out. This pattern repeats for years until finally they're "done".
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I told him to butt out of our life as he has enough problems on his home front to deal with. I told him I was aware of his family issues and that he needed to mind his own situation before sticking his nose into someone else’s life.
Oh, did I mention that I wasn’t acting rationally during this time? Yeah, this might not have been the best tact to take.
I'm glad you see that now, because you're right, confronting OM is the wrong thing to do. Your W will just see it as controlling, manipulative behavior on your part. You can't stop her from seeing OM, she has to decide that for herself.
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We sent some accusatory texts back and forth throughout the day.
Don't get drawn into that. From now on all communications with your W need to be happy and fluffy.
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Told her I knew I still loved her and could work through anything, but, I had to know what I was dealing with. She said she didn’t know.
She's being honest, she really doesn't know. So quit pressuring her!!! No more R or M talks at all. No more pressure of any kind. No more arguments. No bad attitude. Be happy and upbeat around her. Get out and get a life for yourself. Work on your PMA. Get DR if you haven't already and read it and follow it. Also read and follow Sandi's 180 tips at the top of the forum.
