Wife lost in the MLC-We are now separated 2

[Portia]

Dearest Sam,

I am so very sorry for your loss. Dealing with the sickness and death of a loved one is so difficult.

I know that this sad situation can be made even harder and more stressful when the person we love is no longer there to prop us up. Take strength from those who offer it.

My sincerest condolences,
Portia

[job]

Sam,
I am so sorry to read of the passing of your grandmother. May the happy memories that you and your family shared w/her over the years, provide you peace and comfort during this time of mourning.

[sam4nh]

I need some more help...My W is going to drive me to my grave with the flips and flops she is doing.

Yesterday before I left our house she raced to meet me. She had texted me and as I was opening the garage she was speeding into the driveway. She was on the phone and I waited for a few minutes and then decided to go ahead and leave since she was not getting out of her car. When she noticed me leaving she got out her car and hugged me. Then she walked into the house (she is staying at the house while I'm with my family). I left for the airport.

I get to the airport and about 30 minutes before I was boarding, she texts and says that she wanted to talk to me when she came to the house, but she was on a call with her boss. She asked me to call her and I did (probably not my best move).

When I talked to her she said she was very sorry for the death of my grandmother. She went on with we are still married and that wanted to know what I thought if she came to my grandmothers funeral. I was kind of stunned by this turn of events. She wanted to know who I had told about her request for a divorce. I said I had told a few people, but I did not know who they had told. I'm sure more than I realized know. She was specifically interested in whether my aunt and uncle knew and I said yes that I had told them. I told her that it was her decision if she wanted to come to the funeral, but I'm not sure of anyones reaction. She said it was about my grandmother and paying respect to her and her life.

I then talked to my sister and she said my W should not be there as it would be uncomfortable, especially for my dad. I agreed and called W back. I explained that it was probably not a good idea that she come to the funeral. She agreed and seemed okay with that. When I was boarding the flight I got a text of, "When did you tell you aunt and uncle?", I decided to leave that loaded question alone. I think she's trying to create a timeline of when my aunt sent her a message saying they missed and loved her. She wants to know if this was before or after I told them. Seems she wants to make sure they love her no matter what happens between us.

OK enough with fun events from yesterday...Now for today...

Just got a new text from W. She says, "I am truly sorry for your loss and I do love you and your family - I know this time [censored] and it seems like I could change it all in an instant but it is not that easy. I wish it could be different".

Do I respond to this message? Seems like she's just feeling guilty and I don't know what to do with this. My sister thinks I should respond with something sarcastic, but that is definitely not what I want to do. I wanted her here, not out of guilt, but because she cares about my family and me. Any thoughts on what I should be doing with this text?

[job]

Sam,
If you respond back, do something very simple like "thanks" and leave it at that. You've already had a brief discussion w/her about her feelings, etc., about your family and grandmother. There is no need to rehash it. She's feeling guilty and wants you to make her feel better. This is not the situation in which to make her feel better. You've got enough on your plate.

[sam4nh]

So I am not back from my grandmother’s funeral. I can honestly say that this last year has been one of the hardest years of my life. I’ve lost a close cousin (more like my little sister), my mom, two close friends (co-workers) and now my grandmother. Oh yeah, my wife also wants a divorce!

My W had little or no interaction with me during this last week while I was with my family. She did send a text to let me know that my aunt called her by accident and then hung up on her. Needless to say it was a different story from my aunt who said she did say “Sorry and Goodbye W” before she hung up.

Yesterday I got home and my W texted, “I hope you are doing ok. What time do you get home today?” I responded a little later that I would be home after I picked up the dogs from the kennel. She just responded okay. That was that. Then about an hour later she started to call (left no voice mails) and finally starts with the texting. She was upset and you could tell, “Are you ignoring my calls on purpose? If you don’t want to talk to me that is understandable. I would just like to know that.” I get the feeling she’s trying to make me feel guilty for not taking her calls or returning her texts on her time schedule.

I know with DB we are not supposed to be “Available” so I waited until today to respond. Right, wrong, who knows? I responded with, “I am not ignoring your calls. Sorry if it appeared that way. Was there something you needed?” She responded with, “No – I just wanted to talk to you now that you are home – about Granny and how you are doing etc. (I think the etc. statement here is, I want to know if you’ve reviewed the divorce papers and are willing to sign them as she’s written them). Again she starts with texting messages to me such as, I tried to call you multiple times just to offer support and you didn’t answer any of my calls and didn’t respond hardly to any texts so I thought you didn’t want to talk to me.

I had to cancel my appointment with my lawyer last week since I needed to fly out of town to be with my family. I’ve rescheduled for Friday this week to discuss my W’s proposal. I do plan to review and counter with my lawyers recommendations, but I’ve just been busy with family stuff this last week. I am not trying to use this as a stall tactic.

I have an appointment with my IC tonight and I want to discuss my feelings about all of this more. I really don’t have a lot to say to my W about my grandmother or the D. She has decided she wants this and as I’ve said before I am not going to stall, I will divorce her, but I will not be taken advantage of. I’ve said my peace that it’s not what I want, but who am I in this journey of hers. I was thinking a lot while I was away and I really don’t see my W changing her mind or ever coming back to our R/M. She has a lot of pride and typically will fight tooth and nail to be right(in others eyes) and will rarely admit she is wrong or made a mistake. I said to my father this weekend that my W is someone I do not really know anymore. She comes across as a complete stranger most of the time. She seems genuinely upset about my grandmother, but with the stoic and indifferent way she acts towards me and my family it’s makes us all feel like she’s uncaring. My family is really hurt by all of her actions/inactions. She did not reach out to my father or anyone else to offer condolences. I’ve tried to explain that she is in a MLC, but they really don’t understand. I have to say a lot of times I really don’t understand either.

She says she wants a divorce and to also be friends in the same breath. Do friends really act like that to each other? That’s my rhetorical no responses are necessary.

Peace to everyone!

[sam4nh]

I had a pretty good session with IC the other night. My IC had been our MC for several years and she helped with some of the tough times, arguments and with communication issues we seemed to be having at the time. We discussed our impending divorce and she was not surprised that my W is going down this path.

For the last two years my W has been engaged in an EA and we had been working on it while seeing the MC. Our MC (now my IC) was trying to work with us on the issues and patterns around why my W having the EA and helping her break free of the EA. My W vehemently denies she was having an EA, but prefers to call it a phenomenal deep connection with OW. My W would have her daily ups and downs with whether she trusted the OW, was being manipulated by this person or on other days that she was just “in love” with her and their connection.

One of the biggest things that sticks in my mind is when my W would say things like, I want to look back on my life and have no regrets and be proud of myself and what I’ve done. Last night the IC asked me if I thought my W had any morals or values. I think deep down, she really does…I’m just not sure how deep they are buried and if or when they will resurface.

Another strange question my IC asked was whether I thought my W was using drugs and/or alcohol excessively. She said with all of the strange behavior she started to see when W abruptly left MC to now when I’m sharing some of the actions/inactions she is displaying, she thinks that there could be the possibility that she is excessively drinking or taking some kind of drugs. I’m not sure of anything.

About five years back when she thought she had found her “soul mate" (I would classify this as my W pursuing and this he potential OW shutting it down, but I think this was maybe the first bounce into this wonderful world of fun), my W drank very heavily to the point of being ill, crying at the top of her lungs and eventually needing to be put to bed. This occurred about two-three times per week during this time.

I think one of the hardest things over the last week since my grandmother died, was that my W did not reach out to my dad to offer any condolences. I’m absolutely astonished at her lack of compassion with him. She sent me the text about loving me and my family, but that seems to be all she is capable of doing…My father is truly hurt and he’s not one to show emotion, but he’s said a couple of times it doesn’t make sense to him.

[job]

sam,
People in crisis don't always reach out to others especially when they are ill or there is a death in the family. They tend to try to avoid those things because it reminds them of mortality.

Keep your expectations at zero. I think you were expecting her to contact your father and offer condolences. The pre-crisis woman would have done that, but the crisis woman will not. It makes sense to us because we have dealt w/mlcers. Your father won't understand this because he's most likely not had to deal w/a full blown mlcer.

Keep the focus on you and allow God to work on her.

[sam4nh]

Well this MLC thing is just one amazing ride with some of the most unexpected bombshells imaginable. Today I got a call from a friend that she found a new profile on match.com and that I should take a look. So I did. What did I find you ask? Well it was a new profile of my W that she had posted. Surprised you ask? Not really.

I just think it’s bizarre that this is the same person who had a meltdown when I put a profile on the site to make new friends. She also demanded we file for legal separation based on the fact that I had a profile.

I did snoop and checked out the pictures she had posted with her profile. Even more bizarre, was several pictures she posted were taken by me in various places we've traveled to over the last few years. Then I found the most pathetic thing. One of the pictures was taken at our wedding ceremony. This was a picture that had both of us in it and she cut me out to post to her profile. Am I going crazy? Who in their right mind would takes their wedding picture and post to match.com to get a date?

[AJM]

Are you going crazy? Yes, if you count that you looked at her profile. I should ask though, did you respond to the profile asking for a date?

Why does that seem bizarre to you that she would post those pictures? I mean, at this point your sphere of things that would classify as bizarre should be about sun size, right?

None of that strikes me as odd or crazy at this point. What strikes me as crazy is that you looked and that you found it bizarre.

This is not the same person you knew right now, Sam.

Peace,
AJ

[Raine]

AJ you just made my night.

Yup. Still laughing!