didja make those pancakes??? sounded good. i had an okay first day of the rest of my life yesterday.
Quote:
I'm glad we connected on this site, we have very dif sitches but yet the feelings we are struggling with are the same. In the end it's all the same for us lbs, we are thrusted into an ugly world and we slowly crawl our way out with some helping hands of the people here. Nero, your no dif, stop being so down on yourself, you will see, it's not you, it really is all of them!
i feel the same. AND I DO BELIEVE it when you say it's them not us. in this sitch, i'm coming to realize it isn't me. (well- there's my part in his life- but then there's him jumping ship into crazy land) honestly- i am not sure if that is a result of anything about me. it sounds too simple to be real - yet, ...
yesterday- kind of pivotal strange little day - an old friend called & cajoled me into visiting for awhile it was fun - but she's a very aggressive conversationalist. lots of questions (i stupidly respond) and lots of preaching. she means well- but it wore me out mentally.
then i picked up baby & we played & took an adventure walk in park by her school & ate super nachos for supper- total pig-out but nice.
then dropped her off and got into a giant drama conversation with her dad - he's pretty much of a know-it-all who wants to be spouting his (supposed) "wisdom" allover the place - he's really a clueless-doofis in genral. why i even begin to converse with hinm - i do not know- i always think it's a casual conversation til the accusations & preachign begin (about my mother & sisters of all things-he doesn't know any of them , much less what my part in family is) gggez he was adored baby younger than rest by 25 years- so has not one clue about any sort of sibling/family life) sheesh...
but then my neice(his wife) called when i got home to ask if i was "okay" which was thoughtful and makes me remember THERE ARE a few family members who actually can imagine it being about someone else - sometimes, and NOT THEM.... OIY
DRIVING home tho i mentally said - "LAST TIME & DONE WITH THAT FOREVER" I hate it and i'm not doing it anymore. (now to implement it) . carrying the dbing into every corner of my life that is BAD - like this business of me answering questions and explaining and apologizing and thinking it's a casual chat that somehow gets turned into a giant lecture - - AND THE drama and trauma and i hate it. totally-
somehow- some way- i am not doing it again EVER- putting an elastic band on my finger tip now to begin- i cannot allow my inside emotional dishevelment to spill into my outside life (any more) -it's too messy & unproductive (for me).
good ole tsquare - i REALLY need to stfu - ALOT - more across teh board in life. wish me lots of luck with that. I MEAN IT THO, really... (oh yeah- me and my addiction here !!! just because someone asks & expects an answer - doesn't mean i have to produce one).
it was an okay day THO- - these last few months have been very wierd & stressful with ALL this additional family junk. i guess my messed up r with my youngest sister (always, i thought, a caring friend too) is taking more of a tole than i think. oh well- i need to do something there also (besides hide and keep silent) ,
i don't know if it is a good karma for beginning of new year/life tht I AM DONE with the drama or a bad omen that i went there- jury out.... hoping for good thing- one more line seen & crossed...???
you're rite about my h being a giant jerk- i see it too. sooo much of the mwd db stuff is right on point about him- everything he does comes rite from the pages of that darn book -
does it matter tho??? is it anything that will stop or become modified??? this i don't know. i have committment issues myself that are huge - so it never seemed like a deal breaker- BUT the ow thing.... definitely could be the straw that tips the balance. honestly- i'm waiting to see what i do- everyone i know thinks and says "oh, you won't do this, " and "oh, you know you won't do tht" - but really, they do not at all know what is inside me (WITH HIM or fam.) - and how much i keep in check some wild little streak/notion that is my certainty that i am capable of almost anything- and some things truly wacky -. everyone thinks i'm soooooooo traditional and "normal" and family oriented, etc.
look out people- they would faint to know what is honestly in my heart alot of the time. good news is - it's what keeps me personally going- knowing whose really in there.
wierd stuff huh? your image to the world as opposed to what you (either)know or think you are inside (really). DO YOU feel you have a hidden reserve of strength that fortifies you? that no one seems to realize or see?
Quote:
Your h is dif he has is faculties, he's responsible financially, he's living life, he's just a jerk when it comes to L, and commitment. You have the true def of an a$$. My a$$hole is a very sick man. But, WE my new friend are nothing like either one of them!
you're sure rite we're not like them at all. i think, sadly, that you and I both assumed that they were more like us than they are (or maybe are capable of being - my not-h at least). it's getting harder and harder to even remember the guy i loved- perhaps he's dead and gone.i know i've said it before.
i still have some sick comfort at him being in my life- i hate noticing it- it's there still. i guess he feels it too and that's why he is - oh well- no agonizing here today-he'll stay or I'll go- time will tell rite?
THIS ALSO is he new me of TODAY- LET IT GO... even if it's part of dbing and part of my "temporary - now life" or not'life- rite now, let it flow on by...
i'm telling you scarlett- tomorrow really is another day ...
i'm stickin with it- xxoo thanks fornote and bolstering. you're nice to say i'm hard on myself. do you think so? my natural inclination is to ALWASY think what about some person- then inspect closely for my part in it- what i do to invite it, etc. my poor ole catholic- blame-slinging mother sure has (unwittingly i'd think) taken her tole on me. i'm a walking guilt-obligation machine.
will she ever break thru??? will she overcome her disabilities & neurosis- stay tuned for tomorrow's dramatic installment of "as the stomach turns" - the real life drama of one woman's insane voyage thru her not'h's mlc in her little leaky- limping paper boat...
