Sounds like you had a good day despite him being b@tchy in the morning. I'm glad you got out for the day. Your "new" year has begun...so what is on your agenda for the year?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I always had a healthier appetite than h, even though he's the one who cheated 2yrs ago. He did that because he has ED, and of course he had to see if it was me. Well, it wasn't and he just embarrassed himself, truthfully there was a secret part of me that understood his frustration.
me too - GEEEEEEz - my h is afraid i think to try with me - his "failure" probably blew his world apart. ego man that he was/is. as you will see below- every can of worms in my head this morning just tipped over and out they came.
i do understand - i like tht you say you understood-i t's true isn't it- we do on some level - doesn't make it rite or okay- but we're all human beings. th is is our good point and our downfall both- as i see it. if we could shut off reason and understanding and "heart" we'd be happier women rite now- we'd be gone and whatever our new life would be- we'd be firmly entrenched in it and 'OVER all this. ta da-
is it GOOD or is it BAD - who the heck knows!!!\ you do have a right to want what you want to have in life. do you or me or we always or ever get it (exactly) don't know. don't even pretend to have a theory-
i don't feel alot of hope either- i do want love - knowing how it feels - i am loath to live without it. WILL I HAVE TO? one can only wonder if Ray is rite - "love finds you". will it find me? God alone knows - was the past 58 or so years "enough" of it- i guess it's alot more than alot of people ever have. blah blah blah - okay- here's my rant du jour. i hope you and i DO find new love and happiness with these jerks that are making us miserable or someone new-
(in the end my dear) which i don't think is anywhere near today....
quote] be careful of the man that acts childish to even a hint of commitment....he doesn't want it...at least right now. He is showing his rebelliousness toward the whole idea of acting like an adult. [/quote]
he's always had that side to him- i didn't realize ever really how very "sick" (kind of) that made him. he is stubborn as a mule and i honestly think a "lost cause" on the committment front - maybe on every front. maybe it's just hard to "give up on" that great person he was. like just forgetting forever someone whose died (but you cared a great deal for) can't bring them back to life - but have to let them go? - kind of.
problem is for me- he's more committed and a better mate than most everyone i know- he just cannot call it that. he cannot see that- he treats me way better (well - always DID) and even now does mostly (with the rattieness sprinkled in here and there) - THAN my stupid ex-husband who spouted commitment and love til the cows came home. then his actions were the reverse. that's the thing- i've got a mother the saye way- darn scorpios - strong character - verbally kill ya- but if something is wrong or you need help- first person to offer - (it kills ya after awhile- sorting thru the mixed messages daily)
maybe it's me - i've thought it many many times. i do not go thru life feeling entitled (except to common courtesy and the dignity we allow another fellow human being) otherwise - i'm easy toplease and willing to let everyone be who they are. perhaps i invite their scorn because they think that side of me is "weakness" - oddly, i view it as my "strength" in life- safe in who i am , and willing to try and understand someone else's junk and not cut them off at the knees. it sure isn't cut and dry is it?
that's part of what my loyalty and confusion is. it's the darn acts that hook me and hold me. his taking my mother shopping and going over to visit her so i don't have to sometimes when i'm about ready to explode - stuff like that.
the jerk- if he hated me - why save me from anything. just GO. I'm not really that black & white of a guy in life- BUT about this it seems black and white to me. you love someone - you stay- you hate them - you go. all that middle junk -junk.
now that i'm saying that out loud to you- and i do not know if i love him still or not - i'm forced to admit (GOD I HATE BEING REASONABLE!!!) that i'm in some middle ground too.
on one hand i think anything is possible in life just about - i mean- people are soooo unpredictable and life is so unpredictable- who can ever know what the heck to rule out or rule in??? seriously.
YOU KNOW- HERE'Sme heading down every single rabbit hole in town. i just can't do it- it's straight stuff your post- i have to cogitate on it when i've had some more coffee.
been up since about 4 - several hours short of what i need to actually be lucid and know what i'm saying or feeling.
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He is not trying to repair anything with you, he's bringing you along for the ride to be part of his fantasy, until your not fun, or your turn is over. You will know when you want off his merry go round, and you won't care what he thinks or does about it.
i am not apparently "fun" anymore - he "enjoys my company" (it's a bunch of cr_p ) my turn is apparently over- yet he can't commit to ow either i guess - i do not care what he thinks pretty much because it's all bad at the moment i'd say and i've heard QUITE ENOUGH thanks. SEE WHAT I MEAN about it being my addiction probably - no more nor less. like people who don't even like smoking or drinking but can't quite let go- that's me.
BUT - then there's the part of they do it when they WANT TO and i'm awaiting that moment i think. if his disaffection continues to the day i wake up and AM DONE with him- like i'm feeling lately with the OLD ME (HEY - that's a breakthru kind of moment here. i've been saying for past month "I'M DONE HERE" ABOUT my family - but thought it was with them- BUT THIS VERY MOMENT I REALIZE I'M DONE with the "old me". she's not there- not the girl who nicely lets you be a jerk to her and then she makes excuses for your bad behavior.
i don't know if this is good or bad th o- i don't like it- i feel bad or sad just seeing people for who and what they are and not trying to find the good or justification for their bad behavior. oh well huh? maybe i'm just a person who allows troubles to make me not so tolerant now- i mean, it's EASY to be nice when you're happy-
IS IT a test of some sort? I am not ratty- but i am not accepting of it. i cannot talk to these people who are yelling at me or criticizing. should i be? do i HAVE TO rise above EVERYTHING????? WHAT if it's merely their own bad habit to spew on others - people who care about them and will "be there no matter what" or "take it no matter what" as i've been. holy cow- as if my personal r wasn't bad enough and all this db stuff- seems my mom and sister r's are dragged in to it as well- it's alot of junk heading south all at once. oh well huh???
i need that coffee- i can see i'm allover theplace and probably making you crazy.
i feel like you tht if the morning comes and you or I decide it's the end of the line for us and our tolerance - we're gone - i'm sooooo not a dramatic show kind of girl- i feel it inside tho.
that darn love- you're rite- it's a killer. can be best thing in life or worst- BUT does the best ALWAYS have to come with a worst?
coooooffeeeeee heeeellllllppppp ---
rite about now i'd think we probably both have to say a prayer and let it all float up to the giant sorting room in the sky. i envy people who go thru live totally letting God handle everything. think he does??? t hink he will??? one has to wonder -
Good morning, the best thing you said for yourself here is that your done with the old you. To even acknowledge there is an old you, your showing there is a new you! We will all be changed by this sitch, our advantage of our h's is that we will see this through with healthy minds that will lead us into a better future.
Without me my h life will be a complete disaster. Even while he's here I think he still can end up devastated or even dead by his own actions, at the very least I will be surprised if he doesn't end up sick! If left on his own, he will tumble!
Your h is dif he has is faculties, he's responsible financially, he's living life, he's just a jerk when it comes to L, and commitment. You have the true def of an a$$. My a$$hole is a very sick man. But, WE my new friend are nothing like either one of them!
We, have all of our junk we're just a little jumbled right now! H's beware of the lbs that finally is done, cause when we say it, we will be strong and mean it! You don't have to feel bad about how you see people, I give everyone a chance, until you blow it, then I see you for who you are, and that is on you! Not, you your sweet!
I'm glad we connected on this site, we have very dif sitches but yet the feelings we are struggling with are the same. In the end it's all the same for us lbs, we are thrusted into an ugly world and we slowly crawl our way out with some helping hands of the people here. Nero, your no dif, stop being so down on yourself, you will see, it's not you, it really is all of them!
I love Sun, I'm gonna make a boat load of pancakes and coffee! Have a great day, what are you on the first day of your new birth, think about it!
Oooxxxx
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
so, i guess i can't think what else rite now. i hope for some wisdom and serenity. i just erased a bunch of goop- negative and my usual quandry junk- i hope to be able to do that more and more and throw it all out of my mind and heart and just plunge forward all certain and be more of who I was (even if a jerk - it was me - i was happier) i'm outta here-
well- i typed a thoughtful response (then honed it down) trying to be kind to the world- then THOUGHt i submitted it accidentally. then found out i did not- geeez -
loosly-
1) i am going to keep myself tighter in check and quit these drama interactions i have going with people not h- who find it amusing to jack me around because i'm such a dope i "always bite" - I'm going to view it all as being back in the office and keep myself strictly neutral- i've become lazy i think about that. give in to emotions too much - STEP BACK FROM THE EDGE a bit in life...
CONTINue the application process- do substitute teaching & be around kids and pma as much as possible...
keep own pma - don't keep trying to see into future- just exist today & have a good day
2) i can't remember - it was a very tidy and nice little list- oh well- if i ever remember what my plan for year was other than:
try and db til i cannot any more;
try and stop demanding i make giant and wise decisions when it's clear i do not see my way yet;
remain calm
STOP the drama interactions across the board - they're ruining my sleep- my self-image & any little bit of mental peace i have
ALWAYS see the good side first -
stop ranting (oh mannnnnnn. i'm getting better at just deleting all the JUNK - fingers crossed to get better and better still...
didja make those pancakes??? sounded good. i had an okay first day of the rest of my life yesterday.
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I'm glad we connected on this site, we have very dif sitches but yet the feelings we are struggling with are the same. In the end it's all the same for us lbs, we are thrusted into an ugly world and we slowly crawl our way out with some helping hands of the people here. Nero, your no dif, stop being so down on yourself, you will see, it's not you, it really is all of them!
i feel the same. AND I DO BELIEVE it when you say it's them not us. in this sitch, i'm coming to realize it isn't me. (well- there's my part in his life- but then there's him jumping ship into crazy land) honestly- i am not sure if that is a result of anything about me. it sounds too simple to be real - yet, ...
yesterday- kind of pivotal strange little day - an old friend called & cajoled me into visiting for awhile it was fun - but she's a very aggressive conversationalist. lots of questions (i stupidly respond) and lots of preaching. she means well- but it wore me out mentally.
then i picked up baby & we played & took an adventure walk in park by her school & ate super nachos for supper- total pig-out but nice.
then dropped her off and got into a giant drama conversation with her dad - he's pretty much of a know-it-all who wants to be spouting his (supposed) "wisdom" allover the place - he's really a clueless-doofis in genral. why i even begin to converse with hinm - i do not know- i always think it's a casual conversation til the accusations & preachign begin (about my mother & sisters of all things-he doesn't know any of them , much less what my part in family is) gggez he was adored baby younger than rest by 25 years- so has not one clue about any sort of sibling/family life) sheesh...
but then my neice(his wife) called when i got home to ask if i was "okay" which was thoughtful and makes me remember THERE ARE a few family members who actually can imagine it being about someone else - sometimes, and NOT THEM.... OIY
DRIVING home tho i mentally said - "LAST TIME & DONE WITH THAT FOREVER" I hate it and i'm not doing it anymore. (now to implement it) . carrying the dbing into every corner of my life that is BAD - like this business of me answering questions and explaining and apologizing and thinking it's a casual chat that somehow gets turned into a giant lecture - - AND THE drama and trauma and i hate it. totally-
somehow- some way- i am not doing it again EVER- putting an elastic band on my finger tip now to begin- i cannot allow my inside emotional dishevelment to spill into my outside life (any more) -it's too messy & unproductive (for me).
good ole tsquare - i REALLY need to stfu - ALOT - more across teh board in life. wish me lots of luck with that. I MEAN IT THO, really... (oh yeah- me and my addiction here !!! just because someone asks & expects an answer - doesn't mean i have to produce one).
it was an okay day THO- - these last few months have been very wierd & stressful with ALL this additional family junk. i guess my messed up r with my youngest sister (always, i thought, a caring friend too) is taking more of a tole than i think. oh well- i need to do something there also (besides hide and keep silent) ,
i don't know if it is a good karma for beginning of new year/life tht I AM DONE with the drama or a bad omen that i went there- jury out.... hoping for good thing- one more line seen & crossed...???
you're rite about my h being a giant jerk- i see it too. sooo much of the mwd db stuff is right on point about him- everything he does comes rite from the pages of that darn book -
does it matter tho??? is it anything that will stop or become modified??? this i don't know. i have committment issues myself that are huge - so it never seemed like a deal breaker- BUT the ow thing.... definitely could be the straw that tips the balance. honestly- i'm waiting to see what i do- everyone i know thinks and says "oh, you won't do this, " and "oh, you know you won't do tht" - but really, they do not at all know what is inside me (WITH HIM or fam.) - and how much i keep in check some wild little streak/notion that is my certainty that i am capable of almost anything- and some things truly wacky -. everyone thinks i'm soooooooo traditional and "normal" and family oriented, etc.
look out people- they would faint to know what is honestly in my heart alot of the time. good news is - it's what keeps me personally going- knowing whose really in there.
wierd stuff huh? your image to the world as opposed to what you (either)know or think you are inside (really). DO YOU feel you have a hidden reserve of strength that fortifies you? that no one seems to realize or see?
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Your h is dif he has is faculties, he's responsible financially, he's living life, he's just a jerk when it comes to L, and commitment. You have the true def of an a$$. My a$$hole is a very sick man. But, WE my new friend are nothing like either one of them!
you're sure rite we're not like them at all. i think, sadly, that you and I both assumed that they were more like us than they are (or maybe are capable of being - my not-h at least). it's getting harder and harder to even remember the guy i loved- perhaps he's dead and gone.i know i've said it before.
i still have some sick comfort at him being in my life- i hate noticing it- it's there still. i guess he feels it too and that's why he is - oh well- no agonizing here today-he'll stay or I'll go- time will tell rite?
THIS ALSO is he new me of TODAY- LET IT GO... even if it's part of dbing and part of my "temporary - now life" or not'life- rite now, let it flow on by...
i'm telling you scarlett- tomorrow really is another day ...
i'm stickin with it- xxoo thanks fornote and bolstering. you're nice to say i'm hard on myself. do you think so? my natural inclination is to ALWASY think what about some person- then inspect closely for my part in it- what i do to invite it, etc. my poor ole catholic- blame-slinging mother sure has (unwittingly i'd think) taken her tole on me. i'm a walking guilt-obligation machine.
will she ever break thru??? will she overcome her disabilities & neurosis- stay tuned for tomorrow's dramatic installment of "as the stomach turns" - the real life drama of one woman's insane voyage thru her not'h's mlc in her little leaky- limping paper boat...
Hey Nero, so when you wake up and read this we will not be expecting roses or cards of L, or even a crumb of chocolate by our beds, but we can expect to be in a better place than last year.
Last year we were disillusioned, sad, angry, confused and I was fooled by what I wasn't able to see! Sound about right?
This year I am in control...with no expectation....stronger...and more sure of myself. How about you Nero, are you better than a year ago, lets reflect? Funny how now I can calculate a years time with this MLC junk. That was my second Christmas!
It is a silly holiday but isn't it funny how it's not so silly when your left out?
I am detaching from H so well it's like he's not there anymore. Today I tried to speak to him about work and he didn't want to hear it. THen as he tried to speak to me about his stupid, now I'm a teenage video game, I said oh, now you want to talk to me. EEWW, is all I feel about him now.
The weather is getting good for those walks can't wait to get out more. I still need a steady flow of GAL but it's a start!
Have a great day..........(((((((((())))))))))))
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
happy valentines day- if it's only about affection and fondness- i'm mighty fond of you so woo hoo- will you be my valentine?
just like grammar school and the BOX of valentines from everyone huh?
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How about you Nero, are you better than a year ago, lets reflect? Funny how now I can calculate a years time with this MLC junk.
geeez - can i ever calculate too. i am in aN AMAZINGLY BETTER place this year. not sparklie and cured - but notlaying on the floor yelling "someone dial 911" either. i'd say much much improved.
i've been having a totally wierd feeling today- like i'm finding myself in a r with a married man- unwittingly- and responding as i would if i met this guy at the office and we were dating and then i found out. feeling like, should i get to know this guy or get right away now? i don'tknow how i feel abouthim- or how i would or could get to feel. i'm thinking i'm finding the "road blocks" in place . the ones we begin with- that DO NOT alloow us to steal someone elses husband- or get to know a real, dyed in teh wool womanizer when we know it and see it before getting friendly, etc.
it's pretty wierd-
got a card- it was not as jerky as the birthday one. believe it or not- it said: front: "honey, even though there have been times when i'm sure you wanted to...."
open it up an says: ...."thanks for never strangling me in my sleep. (now that's love.) Happy Valentine's Day"
then in handwriting: Thanks again & for a reward, how about we pick out some chocolate .... and then we can diet." and his name.
wtf
i guess i'll take the not icky aspect and leave it there.
as usual with me- i'm assuming he's got some wonderful plans and pledges of love to and from ow making him happy.
sad - oh well. i know you'll say stop thinking about what is going on with him- it gives him power.
okay- switching it off.
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It is a silly holiday but isn't it funny how it's not so silly when your left out?
i'm not with ya there- it's not at all a silly holiday- in my land - love is really the ONLY important thing. probably why i find myself in such a pickle in life. i'm the only one in my land - oh well. i'm sticking with it. love makes it fun-love makes it painful- love is what moves me. oh well again.
YOU ARE SOOOO RIGHT I COULD PLOTZ THO- about being left out. i'll be very grateful when the commercials go away and i don't have to look at anyone being happy or appreciating anyone they love. looking at my girlfriends and their husands is really bad and sad. i'm happy for them- i am jealous as hell. there's just notyhing about them that's any better than me - making them deserve what i don't seem to have.
oh well huh- it is what it is.
your poor old sock of a H and mine - being children - and it not being at all appealing. we cannot save them - can't save anyone can we? with possible exception of self. \ I'M GOING TO HAVE A GOOD DAY - IF IT kills us all. painting something- and fiddling around with all my usual projects and crappola -
have a wonderful day- soon it will be spring(i'm excited that we are going to get a cold front tonite and it might be 60s tomorrow- yay- i'm sweating like mad now - 80s. i'm such a white woman- freckles - red hair - spent entire life sunburnt- and ALL OF US DOWN HERE at our age are now getting skin cancer regularly- thankfully all small so far- but lt me say even tan people our age are AWARE.....
HENCE the sun aversion. need to go find a goodie for the "baby" - had a nice bisit last nite with neice & kids while they bathed- she's chilled out and conversation is just watching them and laughing. it was very nice.
i forget about how fun to just chll and not think. yay.
i guess out to dinner tonite- for my birthday (a bit late) valentines? don't know-not thinking bout that either.
blooming onion please.
xxoo have a nice day- well, try. i think we are both in a waaay better place than a year ago- Tbnak God. hopefully next ;yeqr we will be laughing about this? (well, a girl can dream). anyway- WE NOT ONLY CAN DO THIS- WE ARE.
REALLY- DAWN- we are, aren't we? today we can be proud of ourselves and all that good junk.
hi anyone- just journaling i guess - ranting - call it what you will.
i just feel like "saying out loud" to someone that i hate the frustration i feel. i know i am waaay more in control (of my emotions anyway) today than a year ago. i feel badly that i am not totally "cured" and well on my way into a new life.
i know we need to have patience - God knows how amazingly more patient i am than i've ever ever even dreamed in life. I find myself tho, sooooo intolerate (in my head & heart)of the bad moods & uncommunicative-ness of my h. and, it's not even big and giant and bamming me on the head. it's his casual keep to self-ing that is soooo unlike the guy i used to love so easily.
I can only marvel that back when i was soooooo sure of his love and that our caring for each other would ultimately win out over any problems that came along (dopey dopey me) -
i'd just overlook this junk quite easily. NOW - because of what i know about him and THE REAL CAUSE OF HIS grumpyness - it's soooo intolerable. My "understanding" has dried up and become my "suspicious knowledge". it's awful- to see yourself kind of losing (a bit) your understanding and compassion.
i don't want to just become a person all wrapped up in ME ME ME. i can see the things i DID WRONG. (i can even see im more comfortable in life if i can take the blame - it's so me and my comfort zone) I dont like knowing this man has flaws. does that one realization make me nuts?? or what?
i didn't know then that what i thought was soooo strong (love) could be soooo , what? delicate. i assumed everyone's (his) was like mine- a hide like a rhino. i THOUGHT nothing could shake my devotion- and look - here i am, my "love" all nearly dead and dying and me not even able to fathom feeling what i did. some "thick or thin" for me huh? and why? i could tolerate ANYTHING , EXCEPT this ow stuff has me down - truly. it was always the one thing i never THOUGHT i could stand - "sharing - - that". ...
and intellectually - why? don't know- don't want to know- it would seem it just is what it is- what i feel - what i keep coming back to. sharing the affection, love , sex - or really, handing that over nicely to someone else ? knowing i'm sitting here with NOTHIN and it's going somewhere else.
i'm just not able to be gracious or understanding. i exist here - i'm nice enough i guess - i'm not screaming or demanding or talkign or anything about it- (but that doesn't mean i don't FEEL it all)
i don't make any sudden moves because i don't trust him and i don't trust me. it's come to that - suspect of everyone's heart.
oh well- i can see this is more an open-ended - no answer kind of thing- i'm just calmly wierded out by it and how icky it all is.
gong to go get busy and forget thinking this unproductive stuff and hope mood lifts- ta da.... if i ever really am THRU with this all- oh man - the sleep & mental repose i'm going to enjoy. if i can ever just STOP DOING THINGS TO KEEP BUSY to not think- i think my brain would explode from sheer pleasure..
(i just blipped up here from botom of this - wherei'm saying what if this and what if that- and i'm hearing (i think t sq) in my head saying - suck it up sister- look at him- THIS IS what he is- this is who he is - that old guy is gone forever) wah wah - hick hick ....) WHAT IF this is true? & rite?
so back to beginning:
when i met and loved and knew this guy- he went to work every day. here is what i fear & wonder too. (not to add too much new goop to my list of worries)
WHAT IF - this is who he is and was always goign to be? what if he is just becoming his father that he hated so much? prissy, anal - all about ME - critical like mad - nothing good enough for him or pleases him. the opposite of the guy i used to say" he's sooo calm- he chills me out when i'm so worry-wort & frantic?)????!!!! and he was 'SWEET _- no kidding.
WHAT IF he was that LOVELY LOVELY MAN only because he smoked and on that particular drug he was that person??? what if the person he ws who smoked and changed when he stopped and h as never returned fully to- is really really DEAD. AS IN RIP???
what if that is gone forever???? what if i only knew him in the evenings and weekends after work and that is only when he is nice- what if he is a jerk all day every day (according to office people- he was quiet and keep to self and rude-ish to everyone) immersed in head). what if htat guy is him and i never ever knew???
WHAT IF the man i loved does not exist and never did. what if it was alllll in my head. what if he went up with the last bit of smoke and i am totally delusional about it all???
i know everyone says if it was wonderful and good - hang on to that- do not second guess what you knew?
BUT what if i always had that wierdly slanted and limited exposure and never just really got my head out of the clouds enough to REALLY SEE what and who he was?
holy crow - that's it - back to get busy now - and shut brain off/up.
