When I first heard the term boundaries, being the manipulative, controlling person I am (transforming from), I assumed all the wrong things, that it would drive W further away, give her a tool to get further from me, therefore I was reluctant to wholeheartedly support it or trust the C advice. Which I know reveals I still want control..... but the first step is the knowing, I guess.
I have read 1st 200 pages of the book and followed along on the workbook for much of it. LOTs of soul searching, prayer, and tears over just what a prick I've been.
So eye-opening. Also encouraging. I now see this process as crucial to W healing, and also to mine. I trust the C now that I know what this term means more fully.
My prayer is for a chance to show her I get this.
Also feel at peace enough to read something for sheer personal enjoyment..a spy novel I picked up. Haven't done that in 5 months or more.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
W and I will be together this evening for settling home refinance.
I have things I want to tell her, but instead need to show her? I am wrestling with this...wether to initiate, how, etc...
Admit that because I didn't understand the term, I was afraid to trust the C wanting W to establish boundaries.
I was advised (thanks labug!) to explore my own boundary issues, and got the boundaries book, workbook, devoured it.
My boundary issues are very different than W. I am a controlling manipulator, with anger as my backup plan. That has been my style of "leadership" and "persuasion".
I am grieved, again, over the way I have acted the last several years especially.
I agree and support that, until a)she is stronger and b)I get myself under control, and respectful of boundaries, being together (longer than visits) is hurtful to her. That was hard to type...
I need to learn how to make requests of her without using manipulation. It is so much more subtle than anger, which I have controlled, IMO. I think I will need help from C.
Start off by letting her yes be yes, and her no be no. Later, when we are both better, can ask if we can discuss, or if there is a more agreeable way to get needs met, etc.
I want her to know she can tell me if she feels I am trying to manipulate. I will not react in anger.
Some things I have realized I don't even know if I should admit, ie I really have treated her like a possession at times rather than partner. I don't want to continue that. Here's a manipulative question:Does admitting that give her more fuel for further separation, or help her see that I am understanding more? I am confused. Am I over analyzing?
Sometimes I think every thought I have could be me trying to manage every situation I'm in. Is that bad, I don't know....I realize I shouldn't be trying to manage people.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Labug, bank changed our plans...couldn't get a settlement agent to us today...looks like Thursday now.
I have a few days to mull this.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
I fully agree with Labug here, don't say anything. Actions speak loud and words mean nothing. As Mach1 said in the past (paraphrasing), you can't talk your way out of an issue caused by your actions. If/ when you talk just listen and validate. SHOW her you understand and SHOW her you won't get angry no matter what she says or does. SHOW her you respect her boundaries.
Speaking of boundaries... The boundaries you set are for you to protect you. They aren't to save the M, or stop an arguement, or help get along better, oranything like that. Yes it would be nice if those things happened but remember they are for YOU. Other thing on boundaries is you have to strictly enforce them so choose yours carefully. If it's something you want want to or are able to enforce then no point bringing it up. BTW -I also have control issues and read that book and it helped. Another thing that helped is when I was asked why I try to control things? What am I afraid of if I'm not in control? Think about those questions for you. Why do you try to manage every situation? Dig deep
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Why do I try to control things...that's a question in the workbook I am wrestling with.
Fear of abandonment, maybe. Lack of trust or faith, maybe. Fear that those I love will do the "wrong things", maybe. A feeling that I am not good enough to be loved, maybe. Fear of judgment, maybe.
All of these have been on my mind. I think all might be factors in one way or another.
I agree that certain boundaries are there to protect ME. However, the book speaks just as loud,if not louder, to me anyway, about my need to RESPECT the boundaries of others. I believe if I can do that, I may be invited back in. In retrospect, I only manipulate, violate on those closest to me. Shameful.
I see my biggest need for change here as internal boundaries that will keep me from disrespecting the boundaries of others.
I didn't intend for this to be long, but this just came to me: Ppl in my life can be put in 2 broad groups...group (A) are the people who seem most comfortable around me, my Bs and S and BILs and SILs, for example...I am not trying to change their opinions or behaviors, we can agree to disagree, maintain the R, etc. and they seem to genuinely want me around.
Group (B) are my W and kids. I want each of them to change or do something...W to come home, S16 to work harder in school and be more respectful. D to be more respectful. S20 seems to have moved from B to A...treat him as adult... But the others, incl. W I am driving crazy and away, neither is what I want.
I see right now the difference between ppl I get along with and don't is whether I want to change them or not.
Several in group A for example disagree w/me on politics and or religion. But it doesn't matter on either side.
Anyone in group B disagrees, I am always trying to change them...into me...?
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
but the first step is the knowing, I guess.