How to make it work again?

[scaredsilly]

thanks CV and Bug. you are both right. i looked on line at over functioning in a relationship and that's exactly what i used to do. i still find myself starting to do it but now i hold back because i really don't want to do those things anymore.

the article i read also stated that my intention to curtail my over-functioning should be communicated to my H, which is was some time ago (about a month or so). however, i find that this type of change will have to be communicated repeatedly, especially when one person is being denied a service they used to have. they need reminding...

so, i did tell H that i had given too much and done too much in the past and that my own happiness and needs were sacrificed to do so. i indicated to him that i would not be doing that in the future. but you know how it is, they only hear what they want to hear and then don't remember. i imagine it's difficult for him after so many years of getting his way and controlling so much of our relationship.

i'll keep "gently" reminding him that our needs are particular to ourselves. hopefully, he can take it.

one good thing did happen this morning. he advised me that one of his kids, S27, texted him (why do they think this is the best way to communicate?) that he would like for H and his three kids to take a trip together in 2014.

H saw my face and asked how that made me feel. i told him that i was wondering if his S wanted him (us) to pay for it. he reassured me that, no, the S mentioned that he would be opening a savings account for it to pay his way.

I told him i was fine with it, then. i think he can do whatever he wants with his kids. it would be nice for him. he doesn't believe it will even happen because that S is a big talker and doesn't get things done, but, at least we have an understanding that he doesn't have to feel bad about being with his kids without me and i don't have to feel bad about being with my family without him.

that's a big change in our relationship from before and i'm hoping it will keep us both from feeling resentment.

thank you both for your advice and thoughts. they help me a lot!