Sitting in the back seat!

[Occy01]

Hello from Sweden, thanks for reading my post. Feel like I have nowhere to turn and noone to talk to ( apart from my wife, who only wants to talk about practical things...)The story so far....
My wife and I have been 3 years married and 12 years together. We have two children. Our time together has been up and down, and I am first to admit that I have not always been the most patient father. I find it difficult to be an authority figure for our children, failing to be consequent and just 'whining' at them instead of being strong, when there are problems. My wife is sooo much better at that than I am, and as a result, they have much more respect for her, which I fully understand.
My wife and I have had our fair share of arguments, often ending with an apology and ' it won't happen again', sweep it under the rug kind of thing. Never really tried to solve our issues.
After a week away working in Stockholm,time to myself to think about where we were and about a serious discussion we had on the 2nd of Jan ( when she said she was afraid that we might not celebrate new year 2014 together), I REALLY realised that I had made many mistakes in my time, and decided 100% that this was the life I loved, with my beautiful wife and wonderful children, our life as a family and all our dreams.
On returning home, determined to work on our future, My wife told me she wanted a divorce. She said she had been unhappy for years. I was devastated. Still am. I told her about my 'revelation' in Stockholm, but she says too little, too late. Then proceeds lots of crying and pleading from my side, obviously to no affect. She says hurtful things like I only married you so it would be better for the children, Glad that it was a small wedding (22 people for 2 weeks in the Carribean!!) and that she's moving out...She has already seen 1 house, going to another on Monday (11 feb).
I asked her to follow me to marriage counselling, we go every week. She says shes there to help me understand that its over, but I hope for a chance. We haven't told the children yet, living together and 'pretending all is ok. I understand that she wants to move out, but cannot accept it. We wait to tell the children until we can give them concrete answers ( where they shall live etc)
I try to be strong and stop pushing her, but sometimes i can't help it, it gets too much. After a nice evening with the children, she suddenly changes the tone and wants to talk about practical things like buying her out of the house, selling the car etc,etc. It hurts.
Seems like the only hope I have is that in Sweden, if you have children, you cannot divorce immediately. There is a 6 month 'thinking time' between applying for a divorce and signing a divorce paper. Hope that during this time she regrets her decision... but my wife is very strong willed, when she decides, she decides.
Feels like she is driving a fast car towards a cliff, and i am sitting in the back seat. Any advice, or just a friendly word from cyberspace would be much appreciated!!!

[Occy01]

Hello again. Did not realise my post had appeared in the forum, i have been watching page 1 and 2 for new posts, but this appeared on page 4....
The last few days have been much of the same. Still under the same roof and still acting like there is nothing happening to our marriage. I am really trying to back off, but its so, so hard sometimes. W is only interested in talking about the next phase. Feel like i am not there yet. Or probably don't want to be there.....
Not looking forward to the coming week. W looking at a house tomorrow, valentines day thursday and wedding anniversary around the corner...
Thinking about trying to GAL, go the gym and visiting a friend ( who went through a D 1 year ago. His decision) but can´t get a break from thinking about my wife and family. From when i wake (if i sleep), to when i sleep (if i sleep) it´s all that's in my thoughts....

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Francis Bacon

Keep Posting but have patience for your posts to show up

[Breakdown]

Have you read DR yet? It sounds like you need to make that your first priority. You have to stop pursuing her and stop putting pressure on her...that's just going to make it worse.

After DR, I highly suggest picking up The Five Love Languages (5LL). It may help you determine where you've missed your W's needs (and her yours).

What are your W's complaints in the M? What do you fight about? Take that, and decide, what do you want to work on for you? What are the 180s you are trying to implement?

[Occy01]

Hi there! Thanks for replying! Gets a bit lonely in here sometimes ;-)
I guess things will get a bit mixed up for a while, i'm posting but they're not coming up on the board, still in moderation.....
Re cadet: Trying to gal, going to the gym, doing fun stuff with the kids etc obviously helps me and my mental state. Detaching- do you mean switch off, act like this isn't happening? Not easy!! W doesn't seem to give me time, she thinks I should just accept this and is looking for a place to live.... Seems like for her its full speed ahead..
Re breakdown: haven't read DR or 5LL yet. DR and DB on order, anxiously waiting for their arrival! As for pushing, I understand this doesn't help.me, so i've backed off a lot. Hope w doesn't mistake this for me accepting or not caring!

Things to work on:
GAL
Fun stuff with S and D- quality time
Learning to control my emotions/ anger
Learn to be more positive

Guess these things also come under the 180s to implement list as these were some of the causes for our arguing....

Tonight W pushing to talk about house. Had an agent here today to value the house. W talked to bank about sitch, wants me to go in ASAP and talk about buying her out. I just sat there, listened, looked her in the eyes when she talked. She saw I was hurt, 10 mins later D came home so D and I ate in the kitchen. D went to room and W came into kitchen. She looked sad, asked if I wanted a hug, I said no, then I left for the gym. Came home and she was quite angry that I hadn't come home earlier to talk more about house, bank etc. And why did I just sit there and not say anything when she talked about it earlier. Told her that I can only take so much, needed to breathe, that I found it difficult to discuss....

Hope to be up and posting soon!!!
Thanks again for replying, comforting to know someone is reading and taking time to answer!!

[Occy01]

Today is not a good day. Feeling low, depressed and tired. Can't concentrate on work. Guess its a reaction to last night when W was pushing to talk about house,and that she got angry that I was not so responsive. Expecting more talk about house, bank etc tonight. Not looking forward to that!

Just needed to air some stuff....

Still in moderation- patience is the key...

[AnotherStander]

On returning home, determined to work on our future, My wife told me she wanted a divorce. She said she had been unhappy for years. I was devastated. Still am. I told her about my 'revelation' in Stockholm, but she says too little, too late.

That's the way she feels right now, so just give her time and space because it's what she wants. She might change her mind later, but it's going to take time. Take stock of what you did wrong in the marriage and do 180's on those things.

I asked her to follow me to marriage counselling, we go every week. She says shes there to help me understand that its over, but I hope for a chance.

MC never helps with a WAS. It might be better for you to go alone.

I understand that she wants to move out, but cannot accept it.

Don't try to stop her. If she wants to leave then she will leave one way or another. You don't want to put any pressure on her, and that includes pressuring her to stay when she doesn't want to. Letting her leave will be very difficult (I know, I've been there), but it can lead to healing for both of you.

Seems like the only hope I have is that in Sweden, if you have children, you cannot divorce immediately. There is a 6 month 'thinking time' between applying for a divorce and signing a divorce paper.

That's great, it gives you plenty of time.

Hope that during this time she regrets her decision...

You cannot sit around doing nothing while waiting for her to change her mind. It won't happen if she doesn't see significant changes in you. Read DR, follow the guidelines, start working on yourself and your changes.

Good luck!

[Occy01]

Didn't go to plan last night. Quite stressed out after a really tough day at work. Talk initiated by W about house etc. Started well, then I got a bit quiet/sad. Deep breaths, count to 100, think about 180s. Control my emotions.... Ended up with a reasonable conversation...

[Occy01]

Re: AS. Thanks so much for your reply. It really helps to know that there are people out there who take the time to give support and advice, or just a friendly ear.
Just now it seems like I am taking small steps in the right direction, when it comes to working on myself. Training,training,training! Also continuing to think about not pressuring her to stay, but sometimes it gets to me and I get sad, so I try to be on my own.
W says she wants to continue MC, helps us communicate. But she says maybe we should go every 3 or 4 weeks instead of every week.
Have ordered DB and DR, still waiting for their arrival. Trying to sort out my thoughts and emotions so I can make concrete decisions on exactly what I need to 180, already working on my R with our D and S, trying to be more positive ( very, very hard given the circumstances!).
Valentines day passed without much interest. W was out looking at a house, I was out with the children. Evening spent together eating brownies I had bought for the children. Didn't push to talk about house she saw, and W only touched on the subject.
This weekend D and S with grandparents, so we can sort out practical stuff. Monday is our 4 year anniversary :-( ... Wonder how to deal with that???

Thanks for the support....

[LuckyLuke]

Hej Occy01,

welcome to DB from another person located in Sweden.

Don't do anything for the 4th anniversary - it will only add pressure.

Luke