Labug, I wanted to respond to your last post but the thread was getting too long, so I've reproduced it below:
"NLW this If it goes to court, it will immediately devolve into a: "You are doing this", "No, YOU are", argument. is an example of the black/white thinking I was referring to. First you don't know that the above will happen and if it does, that doesn't mean it's the end of the story, there are several things that could come of it, not all of them bad. It's not all or nothing.
Thinking B/W takes away a lot of choices in and restricts your life to things that are safe.
There are certain words that go with black/white thinking. The next time you start to use one of these, stop and think: Am I limiting myself right now?
Always Never Perfect Impossible Awful Terrible Ruined Disastrous Furious
About the parking lot incident, let it go. That won't define you unless you let it. We all do crazy things but that doesn't make us crazy. I don't think you're crazy.
Let it go."
This was a timely reminder for me. I do this sort of thing all the time (there, I sort of did it again!).
Catastrophisizing and extrematizing. All-or-nothing thinking.
I reckon if you went back through my posts you'd be able to see all the absolutes and extreme descriptors that I use on a regular basis.
Gives anyone I'm dealing with nowhere to go. And it's annoying.
I've noticed my mum does it too - even more so than me - and it really bugs me (how funny is that?).
Everything is an absolute disaster for her. When I take her to the supermarket, the number of people at the checkout is "bloody ridiculous", such that "We'll be here FOREVER".
The kids lives are RUINED by what H has done.
The car will fall to pieces if i don't wash it more regularly.
etc, etc
I'm trying to be more aware of what had become my default way of viewing the world and everyone in it. It's tiring trying to monitor what I'm saying and thinking at this level. But necessary. I'm noticing benefits immediately with the kids.
I really appreciate the way you've kept helping me with advice and insights from your own experience like this. I'm indebted to you.
Had mediation session scheduled yesterday that I'd hoped would be a useful way of moving forward.
At the last minute, the mediator called in sick.
So... another re-schedule.
In the meantime, stbx started calling the kids at around 9pm. On the home phone. I thought it would be him calling that late, so let them pick up.
He ended up calling and texting about 5X in total from 9-10.30pm.
Conversations with both kids ended in argument and upset. He said some really crummy things to them - seemed to be in a real snit about not being able to make them do what he wanted.
And D17's big prom is coming up at end of week, so if I were a mind-reader, i'd say this is affecting him.
STBX has not been involved in any part of the preparations, does not know who she will be taking, what she will wear, nor will he attend the parents' parties associated with the event, or drive her and her date, or pick them up (not to mention that he hasn't paid for any of the substantial associated costs, which she has had to fund, largely, herself from her casual job).
Lots of anger and pain on both sides and so the interaction did not go smoothly.
Anyway, overall, stbx seems to be in a mighty snit. And now that he doesn't want to speak to me, he has turned his spew sessions onto the kids.
I'm keeping out of their interactions with him (a big change for me). I'm also keeping really busy (not hard!) and trying to keep my head in the moment (not so easy). Don't want to miss any more of life by dragging along in some sort of depressed trance-like state.
NLW, I've been thinking about you & how brave you are to have shared the story about the parking lot incident.
When you described that I was there with you (metaphorically speaking). I understand your rage about OW and I felt that you did this because at the time you were acting on your emotions and couldn't help yourself (neither would I have), but it helped me release some of my feelings about the OW in my H's life too.
So, although we can agree it probably wasn't the "right" thing to do (in terms of the higher road and all) but are certainly validated in the feelings that were driving the incident.
Regarding your interactions now--good for you staying out of his R with the kids. They are old enough to speak for themselves (unless he crosses some unwritten boundaries of appropriateness). And of course he's angry that he's not been part of D's prom preparations...isn't he entitled to IT ALL?! LOL!
Keep up your inner strength, NLW...you have it in you!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
JUST this minute worked out what has been upsetting stbx.
Went out to the letterbox and saw the big official envelope. Inside "APPLICATION FOR DIVORCE'
He's done it. It will all be finalised in just over a month.
I've been waiting in fear of a knock on the door since August of last year when he said he was filing. I thought it had to be delivered by a server, but apparently not.
Although the blurb on the form says that I should "return the Acknowledgement of Service (Divorce) to the person who served the Application" on me. A little strange.
So, it's done.
The worst thing about it (aside from the financial order that accompained it whereby he claims over $1M from me & I get NOTHING from him as he states his assets on the form at precisely $0 - REALLY!) is as follows:
1. He claims that were were separated fully one year before BD and were apparently just living under the same roof (as well as going on 3, yes, 3! overseas trips/holidays in that time as a family). How come I didn't realise?????
2. The last point on his financial claim is that "the wife pay the husband's costs of and incidental to these proceedings".
YOU"VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! I am dumbstruck.
Thought for a minute that the OW incident might have precipitated this, but he filed the day before.
This explains all of his recent behaviour towards me - he hasn't spoken to me for a few weeks except to spew, and has refused to come to the house.
Don't know if it's shock, but I feel strangely calm about all of this. I am going straight to my D lawyer to plan the next stage.
NLW- how are you today? ((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I am sorry about the D papers...I know i will be shell shocked when mine happens as well, despite any growth I have made.
I agree with Bug, YOU are the strong one here. Let your mind rule.
Love you NLW.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
