Retrouvaille

[AnotherStander]

As far as journaling goes, I haven't added anything to GAL but have been keeping at the old activities Still pumping iron on a regular schedule and get a lot of compliments for it in and out of the gym which keeps me motivated to keep doing it D16 is quite a little fashionista and we go shopping together, she helps me pick out trendy clothes. Ironically S10 got so jealous going with us on the shopping trips that now HE wants to shop for clothes as well, LOL! We just went yesterday and spent several hundred bucks on some fun new clothes for all of us I've started picking up my home gardening again because we've been getting some breaks in the weather. I haven't resumed riding Harleys with my new buddies yet because the weather has been too unpredictable to make plans. When there's a break in the weather I grab one of my smaller R/C planes or helis and fly in the backyard, so that hobby is still going. The R/C events will start picking up again in the spring. Habitat for Humanity just started a new house, I missed the kickoff last Saturday because I had the kids, but will go this weekend and will probably go every other week from now on (when I don't have the kids). I used to go every week before BD.

W and I rarely see each other, but when we do we get along great. Texting is very infrequent and strictly about the kids. Phone calls never happen.

We got a new client in at work mainly due to my past efforts with them, so that was great news

If I thought my H could change and be the man I need, I'd probably take him back in a heartbeat. However, going off the last 13 years, that's not going to happen. At least not for me, he may change for someone else. I doubt it would be long term though.

It does seem unlikely, but then again look at how much many of us changed at BD. It is possible for a person to change in substantial and remarkable ways. Mostly it's the LBS's that change like this, I've read a few cases of reformed WAS's changing too but it seems to be pretty rare.

I realized how alone I've felt during my M. Are you totally shore, this is what you want though?

What I want is for me, W and the kids to all be happy. For me being happy can happen with or without W. For W being happy requires life without me. For the kids being happy requires us to reconcile (although with time they will recover from D). So unfortunately there's no perfect scenario here, there's only moving on as best we can.

idk, it sounds like a lot of convincing going on to me. Convincing us that you are happier now, (if you are, great. No need to spend so much energy convincing us)

My posts here represent a teeny tiny fraction of who I am. None of us here really know each other. We don't know what we all look like, what our personalities are like, etc. All we have are these words typed out on the forum, it's not much to go by. Maybe 1/1000th (or probably less) of the actual person. So I try to describe as best I can what I'm thinking/ feeling, because you can't see it. If you think I'm trying to "convince" you, well yes, of course that's what I'm doing. Because how else do you know? You can't see me and talk to me, so you have no idea. So I have to tell you here. But I'm not trying to convince myself, I'm already there. I'm just trying to convey where I am to all of you.

(hence the search for "Fireworks Love")

I'm not searching for any kind of love right now. I just like female companionship and have gone without it for many months, so I'm dating to have that again.

Are you filing for D?

W and I were going to discuss that last weekend but didn't get a chance. We've already discussed the terms quite a bit and are both committed to making it as smooth and easy as possible. We'll do it together, it won't be a case of one of us dropping a D bomb on the other.

She said "before I got to know you, you caught my attention b/c you could talk/flirt/etc with girls, but you never NEEDED them, you were fine on your own, independent"
I remember thinking "yeeeah..I remember that guy, where the h*ck did he go?!" LOL.

Hahaha! Frankly I forgot that guy, it had been over 20 years. It wasn't until W left and I started detaching and GAL'ing that I started feeling like "that guy" and remembering what "his" life was like so many years ago. Of course I can't ever fully be that person again because I am a father now and wasn't then, but I can channel a lot of the good things about "him" and his independence

You seem to be in a good place AS. I haven't had any "feelings-talk" with my X, but it would sting to hear "done" over and over. Keep on keeping on AS!

Thanks bro

AS, if she's done, why hasn't she filed?

My W is a classic procrastinator. Why do today what can be put off to tomorrow or the next day or the next

I understand you making the decision to move on, but all the stuff you have said about her never changing is just an educated guess at best. You don't know what she will do in the future.

You're absolutely right. But the odds are definitely against her changing her mind. It's been just shy of 8 months since BD and she is as firmly entrenched in her position now as she was 8 months ago. At least she says she is, and I believe her. A lot of people here think I should wait longer, but how long is long enough? A day? A week? A month? A year? a decade? The answer is this- it is each LBS's decision as to how long is enough. And I've decided 8 months is enough.

It really sounds to me like deep down you are angry. I would be too. I am.

I am not even remotely angry. I love my wife, but I've fallen out of love with her. We love each other on some levels and not on others. That's just where we are now. It's no one's fault. In grief recovery people often do cycle through many emotions including anger, but I never did feel anger towards W. I was angry at myself for a while for thinking I caused all this, but once I forgave W and forgave myself I never felt anger again.

Whichever way you go, I wish you the best.

Thank you!

Just wondering AS, do you think deep down that maybe you think if you once again don't need your W in your life and that if she knows that, she might fall for you again?

No. Believe me, I thought about that one long and hard. But no, that's not why I'm moving on nor do I think there's a chance she's fall for me again.

That is a risky road to take, maybe she really is in her own crisis and just not ready yet.

I agree, no one should move on unless they are doing it for themselves. It cannot be a "strategy" to bring the WAS back.