That your sons have been told nothing does not mean they truly know nothing. The OW's son is your S8 best friend? Have they seen each other at all since your H moved in? I suspect he may know something, but it isn't necessarily concrete.
IMO both of you should sit the boys down and explain what is happening. Their lack of infomation makes all that is going on in their heads that much bigger and scarier. They have nothing to hold onto because they have nothing to deal with. How do you cope with anxiety that has no definition? It is free floating and creates all kinds of monsters. This is what my D's have shared with me in the last 6 years.
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and continue to be the bridge between him and the boys, to facilitate their relationship. he has no real idea what to do with them or how they feel, doesn't even really ask about them.
I am still dealing with this and the truth is at some point he has to care enough to ask the boys and deal with them directly.
In my case (by all appearances)my H was not able to even really hear what I had to say regarding D's. He met with youngest D and her C for the 1st time last week...over 5 years after he moved out. I think he hears some of what I say now and I think he tries to connect.
I do think you have to set boundaries for yourself as far as how often you see him and a regular schedule for the boys will help them to know what to expect. It will help you to detach too.
Something to consider and I do not mean this in a finger pointing way, is how the boys will cope with him living with and raising someone else's son and not them. A good children's C can help you and the boy's with this. I can tell you they may be angry and jealous and wonder why they aren't good enough and don't mean enough for him to be there with them. He will not hear you if you point this outto him, I can almost guarantee that.
Your H's rationalization that OW's son is mature and discreet is interesting. The boy is 8, why is he being charged with caring more about his friends feelings that your H cares about his sons?? Really?
I understand that your sons trusted you enough to share their feelings. If the two of you talk with the boys they will be hurt, but it may lessen the confusion. Think of yourself and whether you would prefer to deal with facts or vagaries.
I will also tell you that relationships are forged in the fire of the bad days.
