I don’t know where to begin. I’ve spent the last month digging back through most of the trauma I’d boxed up and put on the back shelf. I’m not done. I’ve placed a few boxes back to be examined again later. Whenever it got to be too much I’d box it up and do something else, usually work that needed doing. I have exhausted myself doing other things to avoid facing these demons.
At the end of last year I decided to face it again and work through what I could. The problem with boxing and shelving is eventually you have to go through them and find some peace. The longer one avoids doing so the harder it gets and the more what you’re avoiding colors your peace.
To forgive myself for my contributions I need to understand my actions and motivations. To forgive her I need to understand her actions and motivations. There are still some sticky gooey messes that may need a steam cleaning Some things just are and there is no point in belaboring them or attempting to assign blame. Sometimes the best we can do from these situations is learning from them, doing so is better than repeating.
I benefitted from have so much history with X. I know her back story and the back stories of most of the important players in her life. I know my own back story. Our divorce was not inevitable. The survival of our marriage required one of us to sacrifice more. Both of us had. If our marriage was to thrive both of us needed to fundamentally grow beyond the crisis. In my situation that is the crux of the matter.
Having spent much effort attempting to understand our roles and grow from what I found I began another review of me. I have pondered if I have learned enough or if I am destined to repeat conditional behaviors and doing so damage relationships I am striving to nurture.
Learning only stops when we stop and I hope to never again feel the need to dig into me as deeply. I cannot afford complacency, so digging again may be inevitable. I need to find the balance point, my balance. I find myself going back to my roots as if returning to my core will provide a foundation to build from. I know of no other method.
I do not know where this will lead. I am following a process. My strategic goal is a state where my happiness and my peace are my life.
Now who’s running around with a needle to burst my bubble.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Some things just are and there is no point in belaboring them or attempting to assign blame. Sometimes the best we can do from these situations is learning from them, doing so is better than repeating. 
