LBS-still hauling-3rd lap

[Dm45]

W and I will be together this evening for settling home refinance.

I have things I want to tell her, but instead need to show her? I am wrestling with this...wether to initiate, how, etc...

• Admit that because I didn't understand the term, I was afraid to trust the C wanting W to establish boundaries.
• I was advised (thanks labug!) to explore my own boundary issues, and got the boundaries book, workbook, devoured it.
• My boundary issues are very different than W. I am a controlling manipulator, with anger as my backup plan. That has been my style of "leadership" and "persuasion".
• I am grieved, again, over the way I have acted the last several years especially.
• I agree and support that, until a)she is stronger and b)I get myself under control, and respectful of boundaries, being together (longer than visits) is hurtful to her. That was hard to type...
• I need to learn how to make requests of her without using manipulation. It is so much more subtle than anger, which I have controlled, IMO. I think I will need help from C.
• Start off by letting her yes be yes, and her no be no. Later, when we are both better, can ask if we can discuss, or if there is a more agreeable way to get needs met, etc.
• I want her to know she can tell me if she feels I am trying to manipulate. I will not react in anger.

Some things I have realized I don't even know if I should admit, ie I really have treated her like a possession at times rather than partner. I don't want to continue that. Here's a manipulative question:Does admitting that give her more fuel for further separation, or help her see that I am understanding more? I am confused. Am I over analyzing?

Sometimes I think every thought I have could be me trying to manage every situation I'm in. Is that bad, I don't know....I realize I shouldn't be trying to manage people.