sam, At some point, you will need to text her back and thank her for asking you to go to the graduation in Florida. You can always tell her that you will revisit the request when the date gets closer because you don't know what your schedule will be until then.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
agree about telling her "maybe but can't say for sure now".
I think going would do two things and risk one thing. The risk would be that you feel crushed if she goes with OW, and she might not, given that her family loves you and wants you there.
But the 2 things you could achieve are, SHOWING her the new improved you, w/an upbeat attitude and GAL under your belt and the traits she fell in love with, all aglow in the New improve you....
and second, you'll solidify the relationships you have made with people who mean a lot to you. You can stay in their lives. (Plus they'll probably say something to your w about leaving you and that might not hurt...)
But You don't have to lose everyone in the family even if things don't improve with your w.
ALSO, don't assume that b/c a paper is signed off on, and a divorce is final, that remarriage is impossible. I've seen 2 family members remarry their former spouses, a few years later.
I see my former SIL about every year, (we live 3000 miles apart) and we fb each other often, call, and we vacation together every other year. We're pretty close.
So yes it's possible to do so. If you can handle the risk, I'd plan on going. But be careful with your heart.
And as Snodderly said, you don't have to commit NOW do you?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hi- Again thank you for your input from everyone. I did respond back to the text from my W and said, "Hi-Thanks, for inviting me to niece’s graduation. I'll have to say maybe for now, as I don't know what my schedule will be. We can talk about it as the date gets closer. I love and care for your family too." I tried to keep it simple and on point. I did not receive any response back from W. She’s in CA working for the week. So 25 you were asking me about 180’s and GAL and I had to take a true look 180s 1. I will not initiate contact unless W initiates it first. I’ve been doing this and since she’s moved out. Her IC has said she should also have minimum contact with me, so not to confuse me and give me any hope 2. Be upbeat, sincere and fun to be around 3. Don’t ask anything about who she’s hanging out with or what she’s doing. Been doing this since she moved out. 4. Don’t respond to phone/text messages immediately 5. Stop watching so much TV and working on the computer when I get home 6. Get out of the house more often and take walks/job with my dog. Especially on the weekends 7. Start working out to prepare for my trip this summer 8. Stop playing the blame game and stop holding things over her head (EA with OW, communicating with her friends about our relationship, etc.) 9. Stop trying to slow down the divorce 10. Speak calmly and concisely of what I want and do not want???Not sure this is a 180, but I want to be calm and level headed with we discuss things 11. Ditch the anger and all of the baggage that comes with it 12. Stop defending myself during discussions 13. Stop debating her language meaning and accept what she says as what she wants 14. Be happy and not always right GAL 1. Taking a sailing trip from Massachusetts to Bermuda in the summer for my 50th birthday. It is a working sailing trip over about 670 nautical miles. 2. Starting to learn how to glass blow. Taking a class with a friend. 3. Start working out/going to Pilates near my office and spend time at night on the elliptical. 4. Taking up meditation 5. Reading bible verses and becoming more spiritual – Talking to God and my mom daily 6. Get a message/manicure/pedicure – This could be a 180 since I don’t do these normally
M-49 W-47 M - 09/2008 T- 09/1994 No Children 4 dogs/2 cats EA 11/2010 Sep 09/2012 (tried in 05/2012 and W came back to work on us) As of now does not want to work on anything but herself...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I agree w/25...this is really good stuff. Keep up the good work!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
OK so I probably just did one of my biggest 180s that I will ever have to do....I'm not proud, gloating or remorseful. It just felt like the right thing to do...
My W texted me this morning after receiving a call from the vet about an appointment I had setup for our dogs. I had made wellness appointments for three of the four dogs. During the texting my W mentions that the OW (the one she has been in an EA with for two years) had to put one of her dogs to sleep yesterday. I’ve met the dog and she was very sweet and gentle giant.
My W text was something like, “Not sure if you would want to know but I found out that OW had to put dog down last night”. She then provided some details of what had happened. I responded, “That’s very sad. Please tell her I’m sorry for her loss. It’s like losing a child”. She said, “I know”. That was the end.
Since the OW was a pretty close friend before all of the stuff hit the fan, I decided to text her myself. I said, “W just told me you had to put your dog to sleep. I’m very sorry for your loss of a sweet friend and companion. She was a good friend and will live in your heart forever.”
I know if/when I have to put one of my animals down it will probably be very painful. Right now I feel that when W and I divorce, it’s going to probably tear me up inside since I will lose two of our four dogs. I’m currently watching the one dog while the W is traveling. He cuddles with me when I get home, at night in bed and is so excited to see me. It truly breaks my heart knowing I won’t have him around for much longer. So I’m giving him as much love and attention as I can while I have him with me. I love them like they are my kids.
M-49 W-47 M - 09/2008 T- 09/1994 No Children 4 dogs/2 cats EA 11/2010 Sep 09/2012 (tried in 05/2012 and W came back to work on us) As of now does not want to work on anything but herself...
sam, I'm glad you texted your condolences to the ow. That's a huge 180 and it shows the type of person you are, i.e., kind and compassionate.
Keep up the good work.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So I need some help. My W came by today to pickup her dog. She was cordial and asked me about my grandmother, etc. What I find is that I seem aggravated by her questions. I feel uneasy and on edge and my responses probably come across short and abrupt.
For example, before she left today she said, "Let me know if you lose power during the snow storm". I said I'm not sure what you can do about it. She responded in an detached tone, "Well there is nothing I can do, I just want to know." I do not want to keep having conversations like this and I need to figure out a better way to be more “friendly” when communicating with W.
I had to contact my W today to tell her that my grandmother had taken a turn for the worse and that she was not expected to live much longer. I had explained to her on Friday that my grandmother was in hospice and she asked "Why"? I explained that there are variuos typse of hospice and she is in elderly care hospice.
I called and left a message to let her know that I was leaving to fly to my family’s home. She took almost an hour before she called me back. Yeah I’m a bit upset. Friday when she came to pickup her dog she said that she wanted to know how my grandmother was doing; and as she said t me “she had been in her life for all these years”. So I called and wanted to know my grandmothers status and see if she could take care of all the dogs while I am away. When I explained what was going on and asked if she could take care of the dogs and drop them at the kennel on Thursday since we would both be away. After the quick, “I’m sorry about your grandmother” she went right into “You know I’m leaving on Thursday, when will you be back?” I said that had originally scheduled to visit my family and was leaving on Thursday. I had already made arrangements with the kennel for the dogs and had let my W know this last week. I explained that I was just moving my trip up since they did not expect my grandmother to live much longer. She again asked about when I would be back. I was getting frustrated, since the conversation turned to be more about the inconvenience to her for take care of and drop the dogs off at the kennel. I explained again to her again that I wouldn’t be back until the following Monday. And for her to please drop the dogs off on Thursday and I’ll pick them up on Monday when I get back. I needed her to confirm that she could take care of them Monday thru the time she would drop them off. She then was like, oh sure. I was abrupt and said Thank you, and hung up. I’ll admit, it seems this conversation was weird and frustrating. I felt like I almost hung up on her since I felt so aggravated with how she was more concerned about her travel plans than with my grandmother.
I don't want to be this way and I feel I get very frustrated/aggrevated by these types conversations. Any advice???
Sam, I understand the frustration when talking to an mlcer. You aren't speaking to an adult, but a teenager at heart. They tend to hear things differently, as in: it's my time, my space and I don't want responsibility.
You are aggravated w/her and duly so. However, she was interested enough in your like to inquire about your grandmother. She may have totally forgotten that you had scheduled kennel time for your dogs. Please keep in mind that during mlc their memory isn't good at all.
You are going to have to dig deeper for patience and try to remember that even though her body is the same, the person within is not. Keep your expectations at zero. You are stil expecting her to act like the pe-crisis wife...that won't happen for a long time.
I do hope that your grandmother is resting peacefully and is not in pain. Please travel safely.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My grandmother passed away last night. I got the message from my sister and it was really hard for me and my family. My grandparents raised me and my sister for a few years after our parents divorced and my dad attended state police training. It has been so very hard over the last year with several co-workers, my mom and now my grandmother passing away.
I did text (not my preferred method of communication) my W back to let her know that my grandmother had passed and she said she was sorry. She called a few minutes later and said she was sorry again. It was a short and uncomfortable conversation. She said she was sorry and I said thanks and left it at that. She appears to not seem to want to reach out to any of my other family members and offer condolences. She then said for me to let her know the arrangements. I said I would.
