Time and tide...

[2thepoint]

Part of moving on is preparing a life for yourself. For me, that includes purchasing a bed. You would think that a simple purchase of a bed would come with no problems. But for me, nothing is easy! For some reason a wave of anger and resentment has swept over me today and I don't like how I'm feeling. Part of it has to do with the seeming finality of things, (one more step to truly dropping the rope). Which brings me to another matter.

My W and I are friends with this couple and their son who is about S11's age. We've know these people for 13 years or so. We've gone on numerous vacations together including Hawaii, The Grand Canyon, etc. They live about 100 miles north of us and so it is a commitment to make the trip to see each other. But we always made the effort.

After BD, W cut off all contact with these people and virtually everyone else. The boys and I were in the area January a year ago, and so we made a point of stopping by to say hello and have dinner together. I did not tell them about our sitch and so as far as I am aware they have no idea what has been going on. We were supposed to have gone on a cross country vacation together this past summer but things got in the way, including the consulting gig that popped up late in the summer and so nothing ever came of it. And, we've not been in contact in all that time.

But I've been feeling bad about what appears to be the loss of good family friends all because of my W's choices and my desire to keep family issues within the family. Yesterday, I see an email in my in-box from these friends titled, "checking in." I have not opened the email yet. I want to tell these friends what is going on and apologize for my/our obvious absence from their lives. But, I'm also reluctant to say anything because then it is one more person who knows about our sitch. But how can I acknowledge this email and then not disclose the reason for our loss of contact?

Over the course of our marriage, we have had several sets of friends with whom we have lost touch over the years. If I were to be honest, I'd have to say that the reason for this is primarily of my W's choosing. Her two best friends who were a big part of our lives when we were first married are pretty much gone. But I am the type of person who likes to keep friendships alive. My best childhood friend and best man at my wedding is still my friend. Another childhood friend is also still very close. And yet, who are my W's friends? She really doesn't have any.

And so.... here I am facing the stark reality of having to come to terms with the must have's in my life but don't, and the realization that in order for my own happiness, I need to truly move on. And yet, it pains me to think about my W, her lack of close friendships, cutting off her family and now cutting off the one person who is supposed to be her closest and best friend, me. I'm sad for her. What is she going to do when the boys are grown and they move on. Her parents will likely be gone by then as well. And then she will be completely alone. Is this really what she wants her life to be like?

Sigh!