Out of the abyss

[lionhrt]

Thanks Wendylon. I completely agree re being with someone else. Not sure how another woman would be able to devote herself to S12 and I would'nt expect her to to be honest.

Re W wanting to escape I can completely understand that but its taken a while. I missed the signs. On more than one occasion over the last 12 months she said she wanted to just run away, but then quickly backed it up by saying not from you, she just felt worthless.

My work got in the way a lot too in the early years. Not at weekends, but during the week W held the fort. The other thing is that W is right that she was not a priority. I am sad to say that behind S12 and my work I did not show W enough support, attention etc. Unfortunately now I realise this it feels as if it is too late.

For W I don't think it was about actually doing the chores, it was more that I never appreciated it in the right way. Learning about the love languages I now realise that she just wanted praise etc and TBH I took it all for granted. Stupid I know!

Looking back I think her spending so much time internet shopping was her way of making herself feel better. Not just spending on her but on the kids too. I was staggered when she moved out as she must have had about 30 pairs of jeans stashed away under the bed! and probably the same in shoes.

To summarise all this I don't honestly blame W for wanting to escape. When I reflect I can see how trapped she must have felt and this must have eaten away at her to the point she was looking for someone to pin it on or an OM to take her away from it all.....and I did'nt help to make it otherwise until BD. Yes, I stepped up a bit, but not the wholesale change that was needed to rescue this.

I think now she has moved out, the realisation is starting to hit that it was not just me but life. However, her main break is me taking S at weekends. This is what worries me, that why W would give up her main respite to spend time with me and S together.....and how do I convince her that even if we lived togther again, she would still have these breaks each weekend, would have more help with chores, would be appreciated more and would be number 1.

However, all this is still along way off and assumes she did eventually want the M to work! So for now I will keep focussing on S, GAL and getting my house in order.

Thanks for dropping in Wendylon.

[ForeverYoung]

....and how do I convince her that even if we lived togther again, she would still have these breaks each weekend, would have more help with chores, would be appreciated more and would be number 1.

You can't "convince her" of this or anything else. Just stay on course and hope she sees what a new future with you could be like. Let the reality stick do its job.

You're doing well, keep it up!

[lionhrt]

Thanks again for the support FY. I have an update generally on W. We were talking today when I dropped S things off and she told me she has been tested and is going though menopause. Had sleepless nights, sweats etc etc. She is also worried re lumps on her breasts and will need to be tested.

She then went on to say she has started with panic attacks (she got these many yrs ago) and generally feels run down.

I listened and validated a lot and when I left initated a hug (to which she seemed receptive although turned her head as we moved in to avoid eye contact).

I am worried about her as she also seemed very fidgety with her hands and generally not right. Do I offer her support, to take her to hospital etc? My instinct is to take care of her but I am worried she wld think it is because I have other motives and pull back. My only motive here is that she is okay and does not go through this alone.

Also, has anyone got any links to good resources on menopause?

[Wendylon]

Rkyfat, your wife's symptoms sound just like the ones I had in May and June (minus the breast lumps). I really felt that I was barely keeping it together enough to function day to day. All the symptoms have all subsided drastically or disappeared completely since starting on ADs in June. Obviously, menopause is still taking place but no panic attacks.

My consultant thought that menopause was exacerbating the anxiety/depression but that the problem wasn't menopause itself. Lots of friends of mine are going down the HRT route and that seems to help as well with panic attacks etc... I guess it's personal choice but I feel more comfortable with ADs than HRT.

Has your wife ever taken ADs before?

[lionhrt]

Hi wendylon and thx for sharing that with me, W took ADs before we met and she did not like them and wld never take them again. She is talking about HRT but has another appt to discuss this.

Re the panic attacks she used to get these when S first started special school.

IDK, she has never been one to go to counselling either she tried when S first got diagnosed and did not like the counsellor. I have found it useful on occasion but guess it depends on the person.

Hopefully hrt may help and I will just be there if she needs me. I want to do more but not sure if we are in that place yet...but idk, I will have a think about it.

[lionhrt]

Done a fair bit of research on menopause these last few days...which did'nt really help as if anything the things I read made me feel worse....I could summarise it as MLC/WAW + menopause is a complete write off for any chance of saving the M. But thats the internet for you :)so I will leave well alone at the moment. But at least I have a better understanding of what W is going through.

So back to my work. I have been thinking about myself and identified other things I would like to improve. I would like to be more decisive. I would not say I am on the extreme of indecisiveness but it is definately an area I could work on. Could anyone suggest any good material on this?

I also still need to up my Alpha male qualities which is linked with the above.

Thinking about religion alot lately too. I have never been overly religious but I have found myself praying at night time occasionally. I have never actually read the bible and thought now would be as good a time as any.

I took stock of my 180's and they are all routine now. I am still struggling on the love languages with W (not even got started properly!) and my goal of me, W and S spending time together still feels like miles away.

Good day with S today, horse riding, went to feed the ducks and then swimming. There are a couple of single mums I talk to at swimming now which is good for my self esteem...especially with my new body . I am practising with flirting which is something I am so out of practice on it is embarrising.

Then took S to see my parents for dinner which was nice. S is getting v clingy at the moment and wants to hug me a lot...which is nice but worries me that there maybe insecurities on his part. He does'nt have speech so I wonder what must be going through his head. I keep the weekends as fun as possible for me and when I go to pick him up from W he always grabs my hand and takes me to the front door.

Dating has popped into my head from reading other peoples sitchs here. I know I am not ready and if anything the thought of being with someone else and all that goes with it is not something I see myself doing for a long time. But casual dating for company, is there a time when this becomes part of GAL?

Generally I feel good, still having ups and downs but certainly more ups. Still need to get OM out of my head as it is like a dark cloud that pops into my mind when I least expect it. This tells me I am still not detached as presumably it would not bother me if I were.

It is W birthday on 20 Feb. I am thinking of getting her a little something from me as well as something from S. Does anyone see a problem with this and suggestions on what type of gift and card?

Also, I had decided not to bother with Valentines day. Just looking for some validation that this is the right thing to do.

Thanks all and take care

[lionhrt]

"I keep the weekends as fun as possible for me" ...meant to say as fun as possible for S.

[Wendylon]

Rkyfat,

I think you're right to ignore Valentine's day and yet get your W something for her bday--especially if it's from you and S.

I think your practice at flirting sounds good. I really don't know about casual dating. It's hard to keep it casual if it goes well... Also, maybe not fair on the women who may have trouble keeping it casual. Then again, I can see how it could help you detach. Sorry, I don't have any answers.

I'm so impressed with how you spend your time with S12. He is very lucky to have you as his dad.

[lionhrt]

Thanks Wendylon.

You are right, dating is a bad idea and tbh I am not there yet and agree it would be hard to keep something casual if it goes well.

Thanks for the comments re S it means a lot. In fact I think it is the first time ever someone has said that (including W) so thank you.

I have said before how relationship with S is blossoming to a new level. I also feel incredibly sad for him as the innocent in all this and am determined not to let him down.

Also remembered it was this time last year that W first said she needed space and proceeded to go away with a friend for a few days (she had been confused since December). She came back and threw her arms around me and things seemed great. Boy do I wish I had discovered DB back then. I think things would have definately been different now.

[ForeverYoung]

There was a thread a while back on this board about the LBS dating. Some posters were for it and some against. Me, I feel if you're still working on saving the M, then you don't date. It's only a distraction that won't help.

Definitely get her a B-day gift.

Great job with S! I bet he's glad his Dad is a now a non-smoker.