Confused compass?

[Cadet]

Yes....they both play sports...and D15 is also in orchestra, 1st chair violin (I have been banned from seeing that as well)

I just got done talking to a coach about hitting practice for the boy, as to get a bigger edge on the start of spring ball. But with no contact, cant even bring that up

I would stop asking for permission from her.
Orchestra concerts are public events.
So did the school or judge write you a letter saying you are unable to attend these?

I would just go to them.
Stay NC with her but not with the kids.

[JJAC2005]

Thanks...There was never any issues before, during or after the divorce where she put any legal restrictions on my seeing them. I guess I wanted to be the bigger person and respect her wishes when it came to the kids, as I don’t have any legal right/options when it came to visitation and have to rely on her generousity. I would hate to see anything end up with her going to the courts for some sort of PPO.....
The odd thing was that she seemed to snap into a different person at the end and wanted to completely cut all ties to make it easier to move on(for both of us).
I hope that the fog lifts for her sooner than later....I can’t imagine carrying that kind of hatred for someone I use to be so in love with.

[Cadet]

I hope that the fog lifts for her sooner than later....I can’t imagine carrying that kind of hatred for someone I use to be so in love with.

I would not EXPECT that to happen sooner more than likely later.
She does not love herself right now so there is no room for YOU.
Just accept it for now.
Later will be a different story.

[JJAC2005]

OK..the reality here is this;
I am divorced, we have no chance connections for any even casual talks (either about kids/business/ect.).
I will leave it all alone and respect her wished to leave her and the children alone, and continue to GAL, in the dark.
However, I am confused about the going dark part, and how this works at all. I honestly believe in my heart that my (ex) W still has feelings for me, and that when we filed, she had some sort of hope then that I would be scared into changing my stance/views/behaviors on the things she had the biggest issues with, and I admit I had pretty much the same hope for her. I think that she is angry now about the marriage not working out, she's angry about anything and everything I am to blame for, plus the rest of anything and everything I am not responsible for.
I do not believe that she is having any type of self reflective processing (at this point), and she is not looking at anything she is/was responsible for....I know I probably jumped the gun a bit in asking about starting up at least a small friendship where I could at least have a cup of coffee now and then, and even get to have a moment with the kids now and then.
I also feel that I know just how stubborn a woman she can be, and when she has made her mind up, she pretty much wont change it unless its something that really takes on a different look in time or and act of God! also, I feel that its her pride plays a huge role in that process for her and as long as she is in control its all about how it looks to her and to others.
Now...here I am....feeling I am stuck in the dark....feeling paralyzed and helpless to showing my ex just what has changed and how differently I see things could be for us...once again at the mercy of her own wishes, wants, and desires. Back to feeling the sadness of the loss more than thinking of the brighter new me on a path to being a better person, friend and partner.
I guess I need to work on my own patience and trust in this whole process, but it looks to be a very long road. I had read several inspiring success stories and forged a plan to copy it step for step in hopes of reclaiming my marriage in the same
manner. I saw that inspiration in a series of articles on "Marry, Divorce, Reconcile" in Psychology Today, as well as a friend giving me a book "I Do Again: How We Found a Second Chance at Our Marriage" by Jeff and Cheryl Scruggs

I have questions to those of you who have gone dark, and those who have had to wait for the opportunity to at least start to try to begin again.
Do you move on with every aspect of your life? what about getting involved with other partners? wouldn't that sabotage any efforts and desires for the WAS to even want to try?
I know that it took Rachel Clark, 6 months from the start of her quest, but on the other hand it took Cherry Scruggs 6 long years to reclaim her marriage....and I know that in some cases many never
After being dark for a period of time do you resurface now and then to try another contact to see if the anger has dissipated enough for the other to be open to a cup of coffee, or do you just stay dark hoping that the other person comes around on their own?
I know I will heal, and I know I am in better place....I know that I am only in charge of my own stuff.....I know that I have slipped up numerous times......But I still believe in the love that we shared, and I believe in getting an opportunity to show her what I have learned from having gone thru everything that we had to go thru to be a better us in the end!
The trouble is, I am not so sure after the latest exchange that I will ever get that opportunity....

[JJAC2005]

So....what I am waiting for....is for the Fog to clear, right?
and in the mean time....its GAL
But when you are the one DB'ing....what are your do's/donts on other relationships?

[Cadet]

DB'ing....what are your do's/donts on other relationships?

I will give you my beliefs.
First some facts
50% of first marriages end in divorce.
75% of second marriages end in divorce
85% of third marriages end in divorce.

So you are on your second marriage, right?
What is your hurry to rush into another relationship when you still are broken from the last one?
Do you think that you will beat the odds above by doing the exact same thing over again?
Give yourself a chance to heal and to really FIX yourself.
Your spouse/ex has given you the GIFT of TIME, use it wisely.
Learn, read, educate yourself about, normal, healthy relationships.
Take the blame for what is your fault and let go of what isn't.
What I am saying is not an easy accomplishement.

See if you are a pursurer or a distancer, what are your expectations, are you dependent or co-dependent, what are your needs and her needs.

Here is a statement I wrote about myself.

I was a conflict avoider, pursuing, codependent, enabling, FIXER.

I can also add in to that a fear of abandonment.

There are lots of things to learn about yourself.
If you need to ask me what the above things mean then I can tell you that you are not ready.
I think when you are, then you will know.

My .02
Hope it gives you something to work on.

[JJAC2005]

This was her second...and my first marriage.
I am a bit of a fixer and have learned a lot of things about the commitment and expectations on various levels that I originally brought into the marriage. That being said i know I am not the co-dependent, nor dependent, in the relationship...but I do know I miss being married (even if I sent the other message while married) and a significant part of a family.
As to the statistics, did you know/have you seen, that of the some 60% of second marriages, if they are marrying their ex, they have a 74% of making it successful.

[Cadet]

As to the statistics, did you know/have you seen, that of the some 60% of second marriages, if they are marrying their ex, they have a 74% of making it successful.

Nice, I have not seen that one.
So that would be a good reason for

I just found the thread on "I am a stander"
and found out that I am a STANDER!

I think if you do some research on this then dating would not be a good idea just yet.

[JJAC2005]

Good point Cadet....with the "stander" definition I found, I really identify with the way I still feel emotionally connected to the ideals and commitment of the marriage, the love I felt within it, and the hopes that it was about our life.
My thoughts about even possibly dating down the road are way out of line with what I truly want.

[MrBond]

Backtracking a bit. Do you know why she D'd the first time?

Right now you are D'd. What specifically were her reasons for leaving? Which reasons were the ones that made sense and which ones didn't?

I would take the impression that you're D'd and you are free to date whomever you choose. Is she seeing someone?