reforce on me

[Tallula]

Ok, I need a few suggestions on validating H's feelings. I know I need to be better about it. Can you give me some examples?

Please & thank you!

I would seriously consider either letting H take the kids or letting him spend the night & you go elsewhere. But really, I would let him take them. You seem alot like me in the kids department. I look at this as my H getting a chance to really step up as a dad...cause I'm out of the way. I can take over with the kids, so now he has to do it all himself. It's really good for all of us. I'm just being me, he gets to be a dad. Win, win.

[Lovemyfamily]

The ride to the party sounds like a great opportunity for good conversation - just regular conversation not about situations. Hope you have a great time!

I agree with what Tallula said above about the kids and visitation. But it is easier said than done.

[bustingout]

Little - I also like the idea of the ride to the party together. A good opportunity for YOU on several levels I think. To exercise your 180s for yourself (to see how much you have changed for yourself) and an opportunity for your H to see them as well. And to hopefully leave him thinking a little bit more....

One thing I was advised early on is to simply take things at face value. H does something nice like clearing the drive from the snow? It's a nice gesture and that is all... Don't look for any other meanings. As if a friend neighbour had offered to do the same. It's hard to do.. But it helped and helps me a lot still.

((()))

[ForeverYoung]

GTO, I completely understand wanting the kids to stay in there own home. Maybe you could start with having your husband spend the night, while you go out and spend it with a friend. A little mystery, your out, and the kids are in there home. GALing is so important for detachment. I haven't been feeling the greatest this week, so I forced myself out the last two nights and had a blast both nights. So rather than thinking I will be okay without my w, GALing makes me believe I will be okay.

As far as the "big card" goes, it seems like a tactic. You are focusing on your husband and something that may never happen or maybe it already is happening. Say they aren't dating and you really start to GAL, will he wonder if he is losing you? Will he want to be part of your fun. Who knows, but I think you will start finding yourself. Otherwise you are putting your life on hold. Regardless of what happens we all need to be moving forward, even if it is with baby steps. I feel like you are in a holding pattern waiting for your h to change the dynamics.

^^^I like.

Lil'G, a little quiet time on a long trip together is ok. Don't let it bother you if you're not talking much, and don't assume what he's thinking is the worst. Just be your normal new self, and avoid R talk. Keep it light and friendly. The goal is just to enjoy the outing, not "fix" anything.

This is where your new GAL activities come in handy... it gives you something you're excited about to discuss. You can bring up your plans for the future, but stuff you're actually into is more meaningful.

[ThisDayForward]

Hmmm. I would ask the super pro veterans to chime in. He asked you for a hug. That is not pursuit but maybe a good time for some rejection on your end.

I don't see how rejecting him will help bring them closer.

Mirror him. Give him the same type of hug he gives you. No more, no less.

Just my opinion. You're trying to break the distance/pursuit cycle right. Now he pursuits her and she rejects. I mean c'mon he is cheating on her. A veteran once told me you have to reject them more then they reject you.

Little if you're in CT I will suggest you making the trip to Philly for EE in May. It will help you in ways you can't imagine. I put it off for 1 year. What a dumbazz I was

[littleGTO]

PoN, tell me more about EE. What is so great about it? And, thanks for the advice about breaking the distance/pursuit cycle. I have now gone two days w/o hugs.

Thanks everyone for advice about visitation and about the car ride together today.

We did go together & the car ride out was good, I think. We talked off & on about this and that. I shared w him about the charity bike ride I am doing this summer. He seemed a little interested, although didn't really ask any questions.

I complimented him on a new sweater he was wearing. He politely said, "thank you." (WoA)

The party went fine-only one family of our BIL was there & the guys all drank too much (including my H). I had to drive home & talk was minimum--I tried to talk a little but then H turned up the radio which made it clear that he didn't want to talk.

He left to go his apartment as soon as we got back.

The thing is that this day could have been a "normal" day for us in the past. H acted "normal" at the party. Everyone there acted normal toward him/me...I don't know what I expect, but something about it just isn't right! He acts like himself to everybody except me, like he hasn't really changed at all EXCEPT HE HAS!

eyes, thank you for your post. You are right that GAL may help me to find myself. There is a MEETUP this Friday night I am thinking about-playing indoor tennis w a coed group. I haven't played in a while but used to play pretty well & I always enjoyed it. Maybe this could be a baby step for me.

[ThisDayForward]

EE is life changing and you if you need to change the dynamics of your life you would go. EE.org Enjoy the tip. It has forever changed me

[WearsTheSlippers]

Hey Turtle,you had asked about my sitch.....
Ruby

I think the tennis sounds great. H is always commenting on what a full, active life I lead and how he is proud of me (even though he knows it sounds weird...)

You need something to do that will allow the passion to shine through. When it does, it is unmistakable. I have a GAL that is fun and intensely rewarding on a personal and volunteer level. H sees how much I enjoy it and, for instance, drove out here (one hour) to take D to activity because I had gotten dates wrong for a certification level in my GAL.

So when you find something that you love, it shows Even Tennis, which is beyond my capability.....

[JuneReN]

Turtle, find something that works for you and H regarding kids. How about a day? That gives you time to yourself.

Just recently had this convo with H, although mine are older. I confessed that I could not let D14 go (we had discussed him moving in here while I completed school in city) and she preferred the status quo, as it stands (me here), but H here and me in city would be a close second.

It was hard to look at the fact that I needed D rather than really looking at what was best for D. Although, I did tell H that if D had no preference, he could move here to develop relationship and I could move out for the year.

That being said, I also said he had to spend more time with them. And that I needed a break. So do you Turtle. No more defining yourself through your children, as we all do. I know you are deathly afraid of the loss of the "mother' role as well, but it won't happen. You need some time for you.

[littleGTO]

ruby,
You are absolutely right- I AM afraid of the loss of my "mother" role. I can't even begin to tell you how much my life revolves around my kids and how I have defined myself so much in this role.

I need to do this in baby steps though. SO, I am going to sign up for a meetup to play indoor tennis this coming weekend. New people, something I haven't done in eons and something I enjoy. No expectations except to have a little fun, and meet a few new people. Nothing scary about that, right? ...okay.

Thanks, guys!

On another note-boys & I went out and got all the "kitty stuff" we'll be needing soon. We are going to pick out a kitten from a litter of 10 at the beginning of next week. Again, we are all excited (and H clearly feels left out...oh well). Boys and I are having fun thinking of cat names- any suggestions?

I decided to make a "kitty door" (hole at the bottom of our basement door) so kitten's litter box can be in basement. H wasn't too excited about that at all. He also was a little taken aback that I was going to ask my neighbor friend to do this for me.