Soul.Searching my way back.

[littleGTO]

Hi, SS,
I'm sorry you have been through so much. One small piece of advice that helps me is to focus only on one step/one day at a time. Don't look at the "hill" in front of you, just a step ahead. If you can take one step each day you're doing great. Then before you know it you will be a lot further along than you realized!

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks Bug, I'll look in to it. I would think there would be other stuff around too but it's a matter of finding it. Nothing appears on google.
Thanks Little, I often forget to look at it like that but it's much better when I do.

I find when I am out with friends and family, more often than not, I'm much more relaxed and "In the moment" than I have been for a long time.
No matter what I did before H was always in the back of my mind, I was always worried about him not being in a good mood, him belittleing me. Even if he wasent there I was worried about him calling, carrying on because I wasent home. I didn't realize the extent of his control over me.

He has been pissed since the kids started school because I made new friends and I talk to them after dropping the kids off and picking them up. He hated that and I never understood why. He would call from work and be pissed if I was still there talking. I realize now it was all about control. I believe he wanted me isolated and it worked pretty good, up until then.

Even talking to them, I used to feel anxious. I pretty much felt constantly anxious.
Even if I was late home from work. I like not feeling anxious all the time.
It's when I'm home and all is quiet that is the hardest.

H called yesterday and very rudely asked to talk to the kids. He hung up as soon as he finished. He called again today and I was shocked to hear him nicely ask how I was,.... Turns out he wanted me to look for a paper for him.
I've noticed this is the pattern at the moment. He is rude and will avoid contact at all costs until he wants something. It hasent bothered me the last few days.

I've realized I don't need H to like me. I don't need his validation. I don't really care for it either. I'm actually likening this minimized contact, I think after the initial hurt, it actually really helps.
I'm still being friendly to him, no matter hiw he is acting. That's me, I want to be me again, in all ways. I like me but I didn't like who I had become with H.

I've never been one to be deliberately nasty but I've never been on to take someone's crap and be disrespected. I let H do both to me, I don't like that I put up with so much. I just basically don't like who I had become.

[labug]

(((( )))) You sound so much better.

[subguy]

SS, that's an awesome place to be. this really is about making you/us a better person and becoming stronger and happier.
Hugs from a TN redneck

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks Bug, I don't know how long it will last but I do feel so much better.
I didn't want to take this journey. It seemed to painful to bear, I didn't want to possibly still be taking it in a year or two. I think that was a huge hurdle for me.
I knew it was unavoidable but I was still had my claws in trying to stop it. It didn't work lol. Part of me still doesn't like it but part of me is embracing it.
I've only just begun but I can see now, it's the only way. I never would have learnt what I learnt, if this didn't happen. I just didn't understand but now I'm beginning to.
I still love H but I felt alone so much through our marriage. I really do want him to be happy.
H told me tonight he is applying for a job close to where he is living. A few weeks ago, this would have hurt terribly. I felt his Job caused a lot of our problems and he traveled so much but yet now he can look for a no travel job, close to home for his GF? I really doesn't bother me now though.
Things change, people change and maybe we just didn't fit. If he can be happy with someone else, than so be it. I'm going to be happy too.

Now I just keep thinking "He's her problem now" it's probably not the best attitude but its how I feel right now. I don't see him as a bad person. I see him as a lost little boy with different core morals and values to me.
I really wish him happiness.
I'm also not really taking it personally now. It is personal in a way but I now see it as more about him than me. I'll take 50% of the blame of the marriage break up but I see it as two different people on two totally seperate journeys.
I'm not after reasons or explanations now. It kinda seems irrevelant. It is what it is.

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks Subguy, I missed your post earlier. It really is. I'm starting to think that this really is right where I'm supposed to be now.