Served

[dorightman]

OK, I understand it's for me to look within', to learn how to become a better man. I get it.

That being said, I have to acknowledge my feelings and thoughts about this waw/lbs stuff.

I know how I've failed in the past, how I've let my fears take over, how I've not loved my w the way I should have.

When the BD happened, I got scared, I woke up.
By then it was too late. My w's mind was already made up.
She says that IF I had listened to her 6 months ago and moved out, gave her the separation she needed, by now we would be R.

My gut tells me different. I guess it doesn't matter now to think about the what if's,
but I feel like when she made the decision to end our M, that was it. She surrounded herself with the support she needed to get it done, and there was NO going back.

Of course my begging and pleading,emotional stuff only made things worse. Her reaction to any of it was like a rock, cold and unaffected, except that it bothered her because it was a burden to her goal. She knows that the easiest way through this is to shut off all emotions and plow through.

I never understood the anger and resentment from the past that drove her forward in the present. I still don't. I have been fighting for our M the whole time, and I guess where I failed was by fighting for it. I should have just listened to her and gave her what she wanted. I just couldn't at the time because I really felt like I loved her and I love my children and I didn't want this for any of us. I didn't believe our M was unfixable, I thought that all the problems from the past could be looked at and resolved, I thought that this was a great opportunity to really get to know each other and have a better R then ever before.

She turned me into the enemy because I didn't give her what she asked for, because i was "emotionally unstable", because of all the ways I reacted that made her feel guilt, anger, I don't know what else, but it wasn't happy.

She looks to the future as an escape from the burden of being M to me.
I can't tell you how sad that makes me feel. I know it's up to me to feel what I feel, it's up to me to hold onto my self esteem. I also know that I gave her so much, I made so many sacrifices for our family. I know that her rewritten story of the past is only negative, she can't see any of the positive and she can't see any of the love that I felt for her then or now. She needs to hold onto this anger to make it to the end of this road, it's her fuel.

I'm crying and have been for months, it hurts so much.