Retrouvaille

[Soul.Searching]

Here's the thing, after BD I had a serious case of rose-colored glasses on. I remembered nothing but the good things about W. But as time has gone on I have found the real me again, the guy that was happy with himself and happy with life whether a woman was in it or not. And there were several women in those days. I think that was part of why they were attracted to me (and maybe W too), because I really didn't care whether they joined me in life or not. In finding myself I've also started questioning if I really do want to reconcile. To be honest, W has MANY faults of her own. SHE was the cold and distant one in the marriage. SHE is the one that never, ever reached out to me unless it was because she needed something. She had an excuse every time I tried to set up a date for just the two of us. My jaw nearly dropped in MC when she said the sex was great, because I thought it was mediocre. Hell, she even refused to go motorcycle riding with me because she was paranoid we'd both get killed and leave the kids with no parents. And let's not forget that she racked up 15k+ of debt secretly, then after we (I) paid it off she racked up another 80k+. And then there's the OM, that was going on before BD. She's a wonderful mother, there's no question of that. A wife? She's been a lousy wife for a long, long time. Why would I want that back? I don't. In fact, I don't think I've mentioned this before, but I thought about leaving a few times over the years myself. I would consider reconciling for the kids, but I absolutely would not reconcile back to the old marriage and I have no interest in waiting years to see if maybe there's some small chance she'll change her mind.

I can totally relate to a lot of that AS. The rose colored glasses really did hide a lot from me. I didn't see how toxic my M was. I think that's what a lot of people don't understand.

If I thought my H could change and be the man I need, I'd probably take him back in a heartbeat. However, going off the last 13 years, that's not going to happen. At least not for me, he may change for someone else. I doubt it would be long term though.

I realized how alone I've felt during my M. Are you totally shore, this is what you want though? I don't believe in the perfect marriage. There will always be bumps along the way.