Served

[sandi2]

My suggestion is to leave her alone. I mean, no contact from you if it is not an extreme emergency! You need professional therapy before you can be the kind of H and father your family derserves. You need to work on yourself and completly renew the kind of man you've become. She can't return to the cr@p M she left, and who would blame her?

Look, I speak pretty bluntly and maybe that's why I post to more men than women, but mostly I post to the LBH's b/c I was a WAW. The worst thing for a WAW is the thought of continuing in a MR that brought her so much pain. So, that's why I telling you that she's has to see a total different picture! And......she won't trust it for quite a long time. So, get your focus on yourself and what you need to do to make life long changes. That have to stick!!!! She has to know you mean business by seeing for herself how much growth you acomplish. She isn't going to listen to your words.

Don't think of even trying to get her back at this point. Get help for yourself and focus on being good father.

Work toward only those things that you can change. You can't change the past or other people......only you and a shot at a better future.

[dorightman]

Thanks sandi2, I appreciate your honest opinion and I agree with you. I need to rebuild myself and grow into a strong husband and father.

[dorightman]

Actually, I need to just become a strong father. The husband part is not applicable anymore.

[dorightman]

OK, I understand it's for me to look within', to learn how to become a better man. I get it.

That being said, I have to acknowledge my feelings and thoughts about this waw/lbs stuff.

I know how I've failed in the past, how I've let my fears take over, how I've not loved my w the way I should have.

When the BD happened, I got scared, I woke up.
By then it was too late. My w's mind was already made up.
She says that IF I had listened to her 6 months ago and moved out, gave her the separation she needed, by now we would be R.

My gut tells me different. I guess it doesn't matter now to think about the what if's,
but I feel like when she made the decision to end our M, that was it. She surrounded herself with the support she needed to get it done, and there was NO going back.

Of course my begging and pleading,emotional stuff only made things worse. Her reaction to any of it was like a rock, cold and unaffected, except that it bothered her because it was a burden to her goal. She knows that the easiest way through this is to shut off all emotions and plow through.

I never understood the anger and resentment from the past that drove her forward in the present. I still don't. I have been fighting for our M the whole time, and I guess where I failed was by fighting for it. I should have just listened to her and gave her what she wanted. I just couldn't at the time because I really felt like I loved her and I love my children and I didn't want this for any of us. I didn't believe our M was unfixable, I thought that all the problems from the past could be looked at and resolved, I thought that this was a great opportunity to really get to know each other and have a better R then ever before.

She turned me into the enemy because I didn't give her what she asked for, because i was "emotionally unstable", because of all the ways I reacted that made her feel guilt, anger, I don't know what else, but it wasn't happy.

She looks to the future as an escape from the burden of being M to me.
I can't tell you how sad that makes me feel. I know it's up to me to feel what I feel, it's up to me to hold onto my self esteem. I also know that I gave her so much, I made so many sacrifices for our family. I know that her rewritten story of the past is only negative, she can't see any of the positive and she can't see any of the love that I felt for her then or now. She needs to hold onto this anger to make it to the end of this road, it's her fuel.

I'm crying and have been for months, it hurts so much.

[Breakdown]

I recognize so many of your statements in this last post....I made most of them myself at one point. Let me make a couple of points and let them really sink in. First, this is a long long road. This isn't going to happen in the timeframe you want, probably not even come close. And second, this isn't about your W, what she did, what she wants right now, or even what you want right now...it's about you. It's about becoming the person you want to be.

By then it was too late. My w's mind was already made up. She says that IF I had listened to her 6 months ago and moved out, gave her the separation she needed, by now we would be R.

Listen to none of what she says and only half of what she does. My W told me she wanted a D two years ago and while things have progressed in that direction, that's still 2 years that I've been able to work on me. Is it fixed yet? Nope. Have I wanted to give up a dozen times? Yep. But have I seen progress? Absolutely.

She surrounded herself with the support she needed to get it done, and there was NO going back.

That is how it works. It's a difficult thing for most people to get to the point to want a D, and it's difficult for most to follow thru. Don't get stuck on the "no going back" though....they say that again and again. It's script.

I never understood the anger and resentment from the past that drove her forward in the present. I still don't.

I think you need to re-read that letter she sent you. That thing is screaming anger and resentment. You need to embrace those things that she told you hurt her....you need to take responsibility for them, you need to own it, and change for the better, and most likely, apologize for the mistakes.

As I mentioned above, my W asked for D 2 years ago. Since then, I've really worked on me, I've changed, I've apologized, I've begun to rediscover who I am and who I lost along the way. My W is still extremely angry and resentful...and she likes who I am now. As I said above, this is a long long road. The hurts you have caused are deep.

I have been fighting for our M the whole time, and I guess where I failed was by fighting for it. I should have just listened to her and gave her what she wanted.

How long do you think you've been fighting for it and what do you think you've been doing? Based on your behavior recently, I'd question that you've been going about it the right way.

That said, while I don't agree you should have given her S, you should have given her space. But if you recognize that now, do it.

...I thought that this was a great opportunity to really get to know each other and have a better R then ever before.

Maybe it is. I have said that so many times it makes my head spin. It's an opportunity to truly be happy, to teach our kids so many positives, etc etc. I still think these things are true, but, you have to recognize the mindset of a WAS. Usually by the time they are done, they feel like they've given you a ton of chances, and you never took them seriously...why is now any different? At this point, you can't tell them anything....you have to show them.

She turned me into the enemy because I didn't give her what she asked for, because i was "emotionally unstable", because of all the ways I reacted that made her feel guilt, anger, I don't know what else, but it wasn't happy.

I think this is a balancing point. You really do need to own your mistakes, to change who you are to who you want to be, but at the same time, realize the script. WAS always pick all the negatives to focus on...it's what helps them get to D.

I also know that I gave her so much, I made so many sacrifices for our family. I know that her rewritten story of the past is only negative, she can't see any of the positive and she can't see any of the love that I felt for her then or now. She needs to hold onto this anger to make it to the end of this road, it's her fuel.

Again, slippery slope. Do you really think you gave so much? Was it what she wanted? I seriously doubt it, and you need to be honest with yourself here.

I don't say this flippantly....it was the same with me. I thought the same thing, and it took me a long time to realize the truth of it. A lot of the things I thought were important really weren't, and a lot of the things I thought weren't, really were.

I'm crying and have been for months, it hurts so much.

I want to say two things here...first, hang in there, it will get better. This is a great place to come for support and help as you work thru this. And second, as I think I said in an earlier post, start getting down to business....this is the time when you go to work on you.

[dorightman]

Breakdown, This has been going on since Aug., well, longer, but I've been home consistently since Aug. The main point w made over & over is that the first step in all of this is for me to honor and respect the fact that she wants a separation. That meant move out. She told me and herself that if I didn't move out, that meant I didn't listen ,honor & respect her and there was no way she would consider R with me until I listened and moved out.

Well, I didn't because I was told over & over again not to. It became a power struggle, a tug of war. I tried to be cool in the house, but I became weaker being around her, she was cold, shut off, mean, indifferent, it was hell living that way.

Therapy didn't work, she just dug in. She also became paranoid I was going to hurt her or the kids, and she had no reason to. But I have to say her energy really affected me negatively.

I wasn't able to detach, and the negative energy in the house was bad for everybody including the kids. Even if I kept a positive attitude, she would be negative and would bug me or say negative things to me to get me to react...

Ever seen the movie "War of the Roses"? Not as bad as that, but similar..

So, the problem is, how do you give space without separation? And in my case, if W says that the 1st step is separation meaning I need to go , and I don't listen, she thinks this is why she is leaving me. "Because he doesn't listen to me, because he doesn't respect me, because he doesn't honor me and my request for separation. "

Then she starts to think, "how do I get him out of here"? " and you know what follows...

[dorightman]

Actually, after reading my last post, I have to correct myself.

The reason she became scared or paranoid was because I did have some emotional breakdowns in front of her and the kids. I was up in the middle of the night crying, and I kept flip-flopping about moving out. She kept pressuring me to move out, so the pattern became that she pressured until I couldn't take it anymore. Then I said "ok, I'll look for a place." Then I looked and couldn't deal with it and went home again. These patterns happened over and over again until she didn't trust anything I said anymore.

[Breakdown]

Breakdown, This has been going on since Aug., well, longer, but I've been home consistently since Aug.

I didn't realize this wasn't your first thread so apologies for that. I did go back and read thru your other threads though. I don't mean to sound like a jerk here, but it doesn't seem that you've got your emotions under control. I understand it's difficult, and we all backslide occassionally, but it seems you are out of control more than not.

The thing that bothered me the most is that I never got the sense that you were working on you in any way. I didn't see many 180s and I don't know that you've really started working on yourself. Do you think you have? If so, what have you been doing? And I don't mean the counseling...that's good, but that isn't enough.

When you read the letter from your W, do you feel like you have addressed the issues related to her points? What's driving these negative behaviors?

Overall, it seems to me that all your focus has been on your W and trying to get her to stay....I think you need to shift gears here and focus on you.

[dorightman]

When you read the letter from your W, do you feel like you have addressed the issues related to her points? What's driving these negative behaviors?

I have started the work, it is a work in progress. All I can tell you is I'am dealing with my inability in the past to receive love.

I'am dealing with fear.

I'am dealing with the pain of my childhood, my family, my parents, my siblings, my grandparents. Alot of stuff that I have taken on in my life that really isn't mine to take on.

I have a great therapist who believes he can help me heal from all of this. I hope he is right!

I have had and am still having problems getting my emotions under control. It's not that I'm grieving 24/7, but I'am grieving everyday when I'am not occupied and I'am alone.

[labug]

The grieving is normal but if you notice it's taking over, get outside and do something.

I had a lot of the same stuff to heal from and I've been able to begin that, I'm sure you can too but it's hard work and don't expect immediate results.

Good luck!