Hi Labug, Thanks for pushing me on this - to think about my fear.
I have been thinking about it this morning - and what I've come up with is the fear that my life is not in my own control.
I think I've always placed a premium on being able to get where i want to be by hard work and application. That is, if you apply yourself, you will achieve what you set out to: you put in, you get the result.
A sort of 'just world' view.
I am pretty much defined by my work and my family. These are my 'identity' if you will.
I worked hard through school to get out of the poor circumstances that I was brought up in. My mother had to leave school at the age of 12, and by 14 had left home, moved to the city and was working in a factory. She grew up during the Depression and poverty marked her for life.
She had a fear of not paying bills and of 'the authorities'. Everything was done with absolute honesty, openness, and any form of cheating or dishonesty was anathema.
The education she had missed out on became my way forward. I was the first in my extended family on both sides to attend university. I bought a house on the 'good' side of town and sent my kids to private schools. I supported my H in his business endeavours. I excelled in my career and got as many qualifications as I could.
I did it through hard work, sacrifice and discipline. I controlled my own destiny, if you like.
And now stbx seems to be taking it all away from me. It's not right. It's not fair. I'm spinning in fear and rage at the loss of control.
I now understand that i can't control other people. And i am mindful of this all the time - I get to practice on my teenagers daily!
But, I still have trouble coming to terms with the fact that I have lost control (and fear that I will probably continue to lose even more) over basic aspects of my own life.
