Hi Labug, Thanks for pushing me on this - to think about my fear.
I have been thinking about it this morning - and what I've come up with is the fear that my life is not in my own control.
I think I've always placed a premium on being able to get where i want to be by hard work and application. That is, if you apply yourself, you will achieve what you set out to: you put in, you get the result.
A sort of 'just world' view.
I am pretty much defined by my work and my family. These are my 'identity' if you will.
I worked hard through school to get out of the poor circumstances that I was brought up in. My mother had to leave school at the age of 12, and by 14 had left home, moved to the city and was working in a factory. She grew up during the Depression and poverty marked her for life.
She had a fear of not paying bills and of 'the authorities'. Everything was done with absolute honesty, openness, and any form of cheating or dishonesty was anathema.
The education she had missed out on became my way forward. I was the first in my extended family on both sides to attend university. I bought a house on the 'good' side of town and sent my kids to private schools. I supported my H in his business endeavours. I excelled in my career and got as many qualifications as I could.
I did it through hard work, sacrifice and discipline. I controlled my own destiny, if you like.
And now stbx seems to be taking it all away from me. It's not right. It's not fair. I'm spinning in fear and rage at the loss of control.
I now understand that i can't control other people. And i am mindful of this all the time - I get to practice on my teenagers daily!
But, I still have trouble coming to terms with the fact that I have lost control (and fear that I will probably continue to lose even more) over basic aspects of my own life.
NLW, you and I could be sisters. I was raised similarly and I had a very clear sense of right/wrong, black/white. If you work hard and do the right things it will all be OK.
That's a fairy tale. Life kicks all of us in the teeth sometimes, that's what life is, taking the good with the bad and moving forward, being the person we want to be guided by, as Mach says, honor, dignity and grace
If what we believed about right and wrong was was true parents wouldn't lose babies to disease, or war or the effects of poverty. Husbands and wives would take care of each other, our parents wouldn't get Alzheimer's and waste away.
My current thread is titled "Living in the Gray" because I have learned to move from those extremes of black and white and be comfortable with not controlling things, with everything not being just as I think it should be, that sometimes what I think is best just isn't.
We were never in control.
And getting OK with that is when we finally move forward and can handle anything that life has to throw at us.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I have been worrying about him saying these things to the kids rather than to me.
He only phones them now, since I started not being so responsive to his calls.
In relation to the parental alienation approach - he will say that i am doing the same thing. This has been his line for a while. He senses the kids slipping away from him and blames me. He now argues to them that i am poisoning their minds about OW as well.
If it goes to court, it will immediately devolve into a: "You are doing this", "No, YOU are", argument.
Gabby, Thanks for dropping by. You have no idea how helpful it is to hear how others have coped with similar situations.
I can't imagine how awful it must have been for you to see this on your daughter's birthday. My experience seems so small by comparison - and you handled yourself much better.
My stbx saying I abuse him may be projection, but I'm pretty sure he believes what he tells himself these days, including that our M was 'very very unhappy'.
Just another piece of evidence that lets me know that i can't control him and that I can not do things in the hope of changing him. I can only change myself.
And the best start is to stop showing him that the insanity affects me.
This whole OW parking lot fiasco has taught me the importance of that. Being dragged into their insanity/ Jerry Springer episode only reinforces the madness.
I need to concentrate on getting my self-esteem back (I have been at less-than- zero in this department).
Again, thanks for helping me out by caring and supporting me like this.
NWL, document everything. Don't grill the kids but when they tell you things like this, write down the date and time and what was told to you. Keeping this type of documentation will show the judge you are serious and that it happened. Your H will not have this. You will have credibility.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
NLW this If it goes to court, it will immediately devolve into a: "You are doing this", "No, YOU are", argument. is an example of the black/white thinking I was referring to. First you don't know that the above will happen and if it does, that doesn't mean it's the end of the story, there are several things that could come of it, not all of them bad. It's not all or nothing.
Thinking B/W takes away a lot of choices in and restricts your life to things that are safe.
There are certain words that go with black/white thinking. The next time you start to use one of these, stop and think: Am I limiting myself right now?
Always Never Perfect Impossible Awful Terrible Ruined Disastrous Furious
About the parking lot incident, let it go. That won't define you unless you let it. We all do crazy things but that doesn't make us crazy. I don't think you're crazy.
Let it go.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
