From my early days in ALanon one saying that always stuck in my head was, keep your side of the street clean. When I first heard it I thought it was dumb and not at all insightful. But it really stuck with me.
It meant all I had to do was take care of me. I needed to go to my therapy, my alanon meetings and do my postings on these boards. I didnt need to worry about what he was doing. This was not easy and for months I was just faking it but some how little by little I really started focusing on myself and my own journey.
Fast forward to last night when STBX comes over to pick up the girls. I felt like I was almost saintly. I packed up a great bag of clothes for the girls with their favorite outfits, I was truly happy when he came over so the girls could show him their new bunk beds. When my two year old was screaming I dont want to go to Daddy's house I was able to be the one to talk to her and make it okay to go. All of my actions were somehow sincere
Then again right before they are about to leave D2 starts again crying I DONT WANT TO GO TO DADDYS HOUSE. My Stbx says " Oh come on D2, your mommy is going to think I torture you over there"
That response was insane to me. It shows me that he is so blind and clueless that he doesnt even see what he is doing to the kids. Kids dont want to schlep back and forth between two homes, she is not crying because you torture her, she is crying because she wants her mommy & wants one home.
The other part of this interaction last night was he gave me an update on our SIL health. (His Brothers Wife) She was diagnosed with lymphoma 2 years ago and had not been responding to chemo/radiation, etc.
Currently she is receiving a radical treatment at Johns Hopkins and has been in ICU for three weeks, which is to be expected, but still.
What clicked as insane to me was, here he is a guy who considers himself close to his family and he has made himself completely unavailable to them while they are going through this crazy battle with cancer. Did I mention my SIL has 3 young children.
At christmas time my H went home for barely 2 days with my girls and his girlfriend. Then with the rest of his time off took a vacation with his girlfriend and then returned to his 80/wk work week. He didnt make himself at all available to spend time with his parents or his brother, SIL & nieces and nephews. That is called running away.
What kind of came to me in a flash last night after witness and hearing all these odd things from him, is how he has always been odd but I choose not to see it or to make an excuse for him.
He so wanted to present himself as the perfect man, he is handsome, in shape and has a good income and I so wanted him to be the perfect man that I ignored most of his strange behavior.
He was never able to make connections with new people. He never connected to any of my friends or family in a very real way. I thought it was my friends that he didnt like. He was so distant even from me. But I really thought I could live with someone that is distant because he is such a "good guy". He always referred to me and our daughters as his three girls. (Even days before bomb).
I realize now that for him these were only words and their was no substance behind that. I realize how much I wanted and needed him to appear perfect and I played into his charade, a charade he doesnt even realize his is playing.
With all my recovery and my comfort in myself I cant imagine being back with him. being back with a man that isnt comfortable in his own skin.
I will pray for him but I deserve better.
... but damn it my kids deserve a mother & a father
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
