W and I talked last night...pretty enlightening, and just another reminder that you just never know what's going on in their heads.
My main goal was to discuss our next court date and D, to find out where my W wanted to go with everything. I know this isn't exactly DB, but I didn't tackle it straight on.
First, we discussed the incident the night before. I asked her about her anger and if she really thought I was out of line. She said no, she didn't think I was out of line, but she has so much resentment built up, she gets angry easier and to a higher level than she used to. Sometimes when I say something she is reminded of so many negatives from the past, she becomes furious. It was evident the email she sent to her attorney was done out of anger.
I told her I had thought about letting her discussion with OM go, but I thought it was so disrespectful to me and our M, that I wouldn't feel like a man if I did so. She said she understood.
Second, she wanted to make a point that the kids should come first, regardless what happens, short term and long term. I agreed, and admitted many mistakes that were made in the heat of the moment. She admitted the same.
She mentioned that the kids wanted to know where I went the night before and while I didn't necessarily have to tell her, she'd like it if I'd keep the kids in the loop. I honestly think this is her feeling uncomfortable with not knowing where I am all the time. With that said, I did tell her about my dinner with my HS friend (she knows him too) and mentioned my buddy said "Do I need to call W and tell her to give BD one more chance?!" We both laughed about it.
And last, I asked her a number of times about where we were headed. She dodged most, but said she felt she needed a lot of time to work thru things and felt bad keeping me from being happy. I told her that 1) we're intertwined at least until the house is sold (at which point she jumped in and said, "we're intertwined forever" which I agreed with), and 2) I'm willing to give her whatever she needs, whether that's time, discussion, or whatever and I wasn't in a hurry to move on.
When I said that I wasn't really unhappy, she mentioned that I wasn't acting the same recently. We talked about her comment regarding not wanting to have sex with me and I told her that not only did it hurt my feelings, it put me in a mindset where I don't want to pursue her. I left the door open there for her to lead, and she understood my point of view.
We also talked about her resentment. She feels like I want to just say "sorry" and start with a clean slate and it doesn't feel like that to her. I told her I understood, but I didn't know what else I could do other than say I'm sorry and try to be a better man going forward. I also said, if she thought there were other things she needed to address it, I was willing to help her in any way. I need to think on this some more because I totally get her point.
She also said she is more mad at herself than me. She is so pissed that she let it go on for so long without saying anything she blames herself for a lot of my behavior. I told her, "with the risk of it sounding controlling, I wish you would forgive yourself. We all just do the best we can at the time...you did your best, and I did mine, and we are better people for it now."
There was a bit more here and there, but those are the high points. I realize this is a bit verbose, but I think it was a pretty important discussion. It definitely moved me more to the "wait it out" side of the fence.
