I was having a really hard time this AM. Didn't even care about the 2++ feet of snow outside. Maybe bc of what happened a couple of days ago and bc it's my H's bday today. So I called the EAP counselor and felt a little better, but still drained.
Then I did something that really helped. I pulled out a box in which I had the letters we wrote to each other in October 2011, when the OW sent me that email to let me know he was still contacting her. That's when I said I was filing, and he got all scared and promised change and commitment. At that time, it was so hard to believe him, so I ask for more time and asked questions. His letters went from "I'm 100% committed to making our M work" to "I still feel the urge to date other women." or "I'm not ready to choose a path yet." And I could not deal with the uncertainty. He was upset that I was accessing his call logs and asking to not spend hour talking on the phone with his female coworkers after I'd gone to sleep.
So all those memories came back...I really suffered. A LOT.
Then I read the emails from the OW, which included a love letter from my H to her. And as sad as it is, it made me realize how he hasn't changed a bit.
1. He said he was "madly in love with her" even though now he says she doesn't mean anything to him---typical A behavior. 2. Said to her that he still wanted to explore and live the single "wild" life he didn't have in his 20's. He asked her to wait for him until he had gotten that out of his system. Sound familiar? 3. Said to her that when he ended their R, he enjoyed when she was suffering because he wanted to feel that he was the most important thing in her life. So her suffering gave him pleasure. He probably got pleasure in my suffering, too.
4. Said now wasn't the "time for them" but that he hoped she'd be there when he was ready. Again, sound familiar?
5. Said he loved me deeply and that it was possible to be in love with two people at the same time, but it wasn't practical.
He went on and on and as I read that letter, I realized:
1. My H hasn't learned from this experience. He keeps repeating the same patterns. 2. He continues looking for fulfillment outside of himself. He keeps striving but never arriving. He might never be ready to have a healthy marriage. 3. He doesn't care about hurting people as long as he's meeting his own needs. 4. He's incapable of being alone, so he's engaging in risky behavior and "wild" activities that probably leave him feeling even emptier inside, and might give him an STD.
So, I felt much better after that. I won't call or email him today. He was lucky to get my card and present on Thursday. Seeing him for who he really is helps me move on. And the STD thing hurts like hell, but it also helps me detach, as I've said before.
