I want to go to the house (where he left all my letters, cards, and love presents to him, and my pictures) and taking all that stuff with me. Is that wrong?
B) Small is good (34 A...although if I keep running...)
C) LMAO at the STD testing. Simply because when H was with GF, I still possibly would have slept with him. Now he has GF, kind of, and is dating and says he seems to be collecting FWB....I just said "Ewwww" and that pretty much cured me as well. LMAO. So not laughing at the pain or disappointment, just at the absolute bizarreness of it all...sigh, cuz if ya didn't laugh, you know damn well we'd be crying.
You do know that I am on the blanket and buying, right?
Thank you, Longrun, GTO, Ruby and Andrew. I've been so distraught today trying to figure out the agreement and dealing with my emotions.
Andrew, thanks for the quote. I've definitely found myself in the wrong story.
I picked up the stuff today. I threw some of it out and went through most of the rest. I really loved him, and said it and showed it so much. Amazing. I only left a piece of art I made for him in 1999 bc, on the back, I wrote "Keep this forever to remind you of how much we love each other." So it didn't feel right to take it. I also found some letters he had written to me, and emails from back when he was in college and had gone away for a semester abroad. He is a different man. My H is not this guy. My H was a playful, friendly, fun guy who had his issues but was pure at heart. This new man has a dirty soul. My guess is that he's been affected by his nightly porn habit, the A he had, and his closest friends, who lead a lifestyle of sleeping around and "having fun" every night. The one who does drugs left for Seattle, but they talk most nights. So with those influences in life, what can you expect.
I also remember my H used to be into beautiful songs and singers like Enya. This new guy is into Eminem and other hateful/aggressive stuff that reflects what's inside of him. Now I see it.
I spoke with my coach today and told her about our email exchanges and the happenings of yesterday. She said she was surprised he replied to my email so quickly--that in only 10% of the cases the WAS would even reply to a heartfelt email like that. She also said she's not surprised about his sexual adventures, bc WAS's tend to act recklessly. She said I can't really do anything about it, so to let it go. She also said that now that I know I don't want anything to do with him, I should feel free to ask for whatever I want in the agreement, provided I show him that I want something equitable/fair.
Tomorrow is his birthday. I wonder what he'll think when he opens the thoughtful present I gave to him. I also wrote a nice card. If I had found about the whole test thing, I would've cancelled lunch. But maybe it's for the best that he thinks I still see him in a positive light. Truth is, I've lost all respect and admiration I had left for him.
Andrew, thank you for saying I'm amazing :-) Thank you, everyone else for the much needed hugs.
Tori, maybe you finding about the testing is a sign that will allow you to truly move on with your life now. I hope you feel much stronger now and will not hesitate to ask for a settlement you need and want.
Thinking of you (((((())))))
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I want to go to the house (where he left all my letters, cards, and love presents to him, and my pictures) and taking all that stuff with me. Is that wrong? I don't think he deserves to keep any of that stuff. I don't want some random women to be going through the stuff I wrote for him with a kind of love he will never find again.
He's not in a place to appreciate these treasures from his past at the moment. You hold on to them for safekeeping. The love you both had was real, the good times really happened.
Quote:
AND, I will continue praying for him, bc he's definitely a lost guy...but I'm taking control of my own life.
^^^This! -Hugs.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I was having a really hard time this AM. Didn't even care about the 2++ feet of snow outside. Maybe bc of what happened a couple of days ago and bc it's my H's bday today. So I called the EAP counselor and felt a little better, but still drained.
Then I did something that really helped. I pulled out a box in which I had the letters we wrote to each other in October 2011, when the OW sent me that email to let me know he was still contacting her. That's when I said I was filing, and he got all scared and promised change and commitment. At that time, it was so hard to believe him, so I ask for more time and asked questions. His letters went from "I'm 100% committed to making our M work" to "I still feel the urge to date other women." or "I'm not ready to choose a path yet." And I could not deal with the uncertainty. He was upset that I was accessing his call logs and asking to not spend hour talking on the phone with his female coworkers after I'd gone to sleep.
So all those memories came back...I really suffered. A LOT.
Then I read the emails from the OW, which included a love letter from my H to her. And as sad as it is, it made me realize how he hasn't changed a bit.
1. He said he was "madly in love with her" even though now he says she doesn't mean anything to him---typical A behavior. 2. Said to her that he still wanted to explore and live the single "wild" life he didn't have in his 20's. He asked her to wait for him until he had gotten that out of his system. Sound familiar? 3. Said to her that when he ended their R, he enjoyed when she was suffering because he wanted to feel that he was the most important thing in her life. So her suffering gave him pleasure. He probably got pleasure in my suffering, too.
4. Said now wasn't the "time for them" but that he hoped she'd be there when he was ready. Again, sound familiar?
5. Said he loved me deeply and that it was possible to be in love with two people at the same time, but it wasn't practical.
He went on and on and as I read that letter, I realized:
1. My H hasn't learned from this experience. He keeps repeating the same patterns. 2. He continues looking for fulfillment outside of himself. He keeps striving but never arriving. He might never be ready to have a healthy marriage. 3. He doesn't care about hurting people as long as he's meeting his own needs. 4. He's incapable of being alone, so he's engaging in risky behavior and "wild" activities that probably leave him feeling even emptier inside, and might give him an STD.
So, I felt much better after that. I won't call or email him today. He was lucky to get my card and present on Thursday. Seeing him for who he really is helps me move on. And the STD thing hurts like hell, but it also helps me detach, as I've said before.
And as sad as it is, it made me realize how he hasn't changed a bit.
1. He said he was "madly in love with her" even though now he says she doesn't mean anything to him---typical A behavior. 2. Said to her that he still wanted to explore and live the single "wild" life he didn't have in his 20's. He asked her to wait for him until he had gotten that out of his system. Sound familiar? 3. Said to her that when he ended their R, he enjoyed when she was suffering because he wanted to feel that he was the most important thing in her life. So her suffering gave him pleasure. He probably got pleasure in my suffering, too.
4. Said now wasn't the "time for them" but that he hoped she'd be there when he was ready. Again, sound familiar?
5. Said he loved me deeply and that it was possible to be in love with two people at the same time, but it wasn't practical.
He went on and on and as I read that letter, I realized:
1. My H hasn't learned from this experience. He keeps repeating the same patterns. 2. He continues looking for fulfillment outside of himself. He keeps striving but never arriving. He might never be ready to have a healthy marriage. 3. He doesn't care about hurting people as long as he's meeting his own needs. 4. He's incapable of being alone, so he's engaging in risky behavior and "wild" activities that probably leave him feeling even emptier inside, and might give him an STD.
So, I felt much better after that. I won't call or email him today. He was lucky to get my card and present on Thursday. Seeing him for who he really is helps me move on. And the STD thing hurts like hell, but it also helps me detach, as I've said before.
Tori, I can see in your posts that you have changed and learned and grown. That is most important. You will absolutely have a happy a fulfilling life.
Stick to the NC with H today.
Good idea on contacting EAP. I have done that before when I've had moments and it is helpful.
