Help/Advice needed please...

[Intact]

Hey there! Sorry things are looking so bleak for you at the moment! I know exactly how you are feeling and it really hurts, big time!

I was reading through a few of your recent posts and you shouldn't be so hard on yourself for making what you view as "mistakes". These are really nothing more than natural reactions to terrible circumstances. What you need to do is try to learn from them and avoid making them again in the future. You should know though, that you will in fact make them again.

It sounds like your W is on the fast track to getting a divorce. But you don't have to be on the train with her. I believe that you can slow roll your way along and hopefully buy yourself time. The thing is, often affairs have a way of fizzling out once life takes over. You just need to hang on and work on getting your head in the right place.

17 months ago, my W said the same things your W has said. I was stunned, sad and I pursued like crazy. All of which drove my W further away. The key to everything is give more space to your W than you think is possible and add an additional 50%. The more distance you put between your emotions and your W the better.

Don't go checking to see if she is noticing either. It will only make you crazy. Right now, you need to focus exclusively on yourself and your child. Emotionally your W should be completely out of the picture, because frankly, she is!

Keep up your posts here and others will come along soon enough to share insight and guide you. If you are having a weak moment, come here and steer clear of your W.

None of this is going to be easy, but it is necessary as you work to improve yourself and focus on getting your head and heart in the right place.

I wish you well, Intact.

Thank you for your comments - like you said I'm sure there's many mistakes to come...

I think it has just shocked me a bit - the speed in which she wants a divorce. It feels like I'm losing the battle at the moment.

[Intact]

I know it touches on this in the DR book - but is it usual for the WAS to speak in such certain terms? It's like she hasn't even considered trying to work on our marriage... maybe she hasn't... but everything seems like its so clear to her.

"I'm never coming back" "We will never be together again" "I will never love you"

That word "never" seems to appear in all conversations regarding our R - just really hoping for some clarification if this is usual please...

GAL - 2nd guitar lesson tonight which I'm really looking forward too.

JOURNAL: Few texts of W today regarding our Son but they are back to being very cold. No kisses on the end as there was yesterday - just short, sharp statements - is this usual as well? The constant change in how she interacts with me? From warm to cold - day by day...

She spent the evening yesterday with her best friend - I felt before that she was a little toxic as she too had separated from her husband. Apparently her friend is now trying again with her husband - I wonder if this will effect her thought process?

[Grace_O]

Hello Intact,

Been following your posts. You repsonded to Spartan's question with this:

What do I want out of my life? In an ideal world I want my family together - I am a real family man - this is obviously something which I cannot control unfortunately.

What else do you want for your life? I know it's early and things have moved quickly. Meditating on this with regards to many facets of my life was really helpful for me.

Apparently her friend is now trying again with her husband - I wonder if this will effect her thought process?

I know it takes time...you need to detach and not think about her every thought and action.

As far as the friend goes, I wouldn't count on her influence and as much as possible, fill you mind and life with other stuff. I know how hard that is to do.

Love the guitar lessons btw.

HUGS

[Cadet]

I know it touches on this in the DR book - but is it usual for the WAS to speak in such certain terms? It's like she hasn't even considered trying to work on our marriage... maybe she hasn't... but everything seems like its so clear to her.

"I'm never coming back" "We will never be together again" "I will never love you"

That word "never" seems to appear in all conversations regarding our R - just really hoping for some clarification if this is usual please...

It is the way she FEELS right now.
There is no arguing with her feelings, could they change?
Well apparently you have already seen them change.

JOURNAL: Few texts of W today regarding our Son but they are back to being very cold. No kisses on the end as there was yesterday - just short, sharp statements - is this usual as well? The constant change in how she interacts with me? From warm to cold - day by day...

Yes she is cycling.
This journey is like travelling on a slinky, you go round and round and move forward the width of the slinky.
Takes a long TIME to get anywhere.
Stop trying to measure it and just accept the process.

[Intact]

Hello Intact,

Been following your posts. You repsonded to Spartan's question with this:

What do I want out of my life? In an ideal world I want my family together - I am a real family man - this is obviously something which I cannot control unfortunately.

What else do you want for your life? I know it's early and things have moved quickly. Meditating on this with regards to many facets of my life was really helpful for me.

Apparently her friend is now trying again with her husband - I wonder if this will effect her thought process?

I know it takes time...you need to detach and not think about her every thought and action.

As far as the friend goes, I wouldn't count on her influence and as much as possible, fill you mind and life with other stuff. I know how hard that is to do.

Love the guitar lessons btw.

HUGS

Thank you for your advice - it is appreciated. I am trying to fill my life with things I want to be doing - but it's so easy to slip - and wonder what she's doing, who she's with etc. It still feels very raw for me, but I know that I am a little more detached this week than I was last week - it will no doubt be a slow process for me.

[Intact]

I know it touches on this in the DR book - but is it usual for the WAS to speak in such certain terms? It's like she hasn't even considered trying to work on our marriage... maybe she hasn't... but everything seems like its so clear to her.

"I'm never coming back" "We will never be together again" "I will never love you"

That word "never" seems to appear in all conversations regarding our R - just really hoping for some clarification if this is usual please...

It is the way she FEELS right now.
There is no arguing with her feelings, could they change?
Well apparently you have already seen them change.

JOURNAL: Few texts of W today regarding our Son but they are back to being very cold. No kisses on the end as there was yesterday - just short, sharp statements - is this usual as well? The constant change in how she interacts with me? From warm to cold - day by day...

Yes she is cycling.
This journey is like travelling on a slinky, you go round and round and move forward the width of the slinky.
Takes a long TIME to get anywhere.
Stop trying to measure it and just accept the process.

Thanks for this, I do think I try and "measure" it all too much - perhaps at times I see things as baby steps when actually its just part of the cycling.

I just don't think I'll ever understand why the woman I love left our family in ruin - I absolutely know that she has her reasons - but too me they're just not valid enough - obviously though it matters little what I think... It just seems to have left this whole trail of destruction which is just a crying shame...

[Intact]

Things don't really get any easier with my W on a day to day basis. She has our Son today and he wanted to pick up some toys - she waited in the car while he came in... it's like she can't bare to be in the same room as me - or perhaps she finds it difficult coming back into the house? No point second guessing I suppose...

Although I am GAL - I really hate the days I haven't got my boy - it just reminds me of what I'm missing...

When I do see my Wife I'm always cheerful in her presence - and she is mine...

[Intact]

Oops that last sentence was meant to say and she is "in" mine - as she is always cheerful in my presence.

[Grace_O]

Being able to stay cheerful in her presence is a good thing and it's a skill you continue to develop. Remember not to beat yourself up if you slip.

You're right, no point in second guessing anything. The truth is she may not even know and you will just make yourself nuts.

So, what are your plans for today?

HUGS

[Intact]

Being able to stay cheerful in her presence is a good thing and it's a skill you continue to develop. Remember not to beat yourself up if you slip.

You're right, no point in second guessing anything. The truth is she may not even know and you will just make yourself nuts.

So, what are your plans for today?

HUGS

Thanks Grace - had a decent day today but like I said when I'm not with my son my mind always wanders...

This morning I did housework, followed by a guitar lesson and I'm heading into town tonight to meet a few friends I've not seen in a while. I get my son at 10am tomorrow so really looking forward to that... I do however wish I was able to read minds