Ever the perfectionist. I have to be perfect at this too.
Dammit, if I'm being nice to you, how dare you experience it as 'abuse'.
And yes, I did get into this to save my M. But realising that I had to change how i interact with H was a key facet of wanting to becoming a better person overall. His comment left me crestfallen, cause i thought i had grown in this regard.
Still, his assessment doesn't define me. I have my own values and need to measure myself against what is important to me, like Busting says.
NLW, here's a secret, you don't have to be perfect at anything to be loved.
It took me a long time to believe that but I'm getting there. And it's so freeing.
I had lots of defense mechanisms to protect the imperfect me that I was so afraid people would find out about. The one whose house wasn't always clean, who made mistakes, who judged other people, whose speiing wasn't always perfect, who on and on and on... I thought that my husband leaving screamed out to the world that I wasn't perfect, I was unlovable.
That's all BS, created in our fear-filled minds.
My H left because of his stuff, not mine. I took what he said his complaints were, compared that against what I knew to be true and went to work. I would bet it's the same in your life.
Leaving your money issue and you childre to the side, what is your biggest fear?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
NWL, it's more than just his opinion. It's "parental alienation of affection" and it's not looked at favorably by the courts. It could limit your H's custody and increase his child support.
You may want to set a boundary on this, if only for the sake of your children's mental health.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Let's frame it this way, there are 2 issues here: how you feel about it at the personal level and how it may affect your children. SS brings up a good point.
His comments are the escalation that was sure to happen after the parking lot incident.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Awww, NLW, I'm sorry. I know those words hurt a lot. I wish that all of us understood better from where these statements come from. My H, when he left me, said some ugly, ugly things. Why? Well, in some ways, I think he really believed what he was saying. In some ways, it helped him justify his actions. This is when we need to get REAL honest with ourselves.
Have you been mean to your H? If so, then it's a valid argument and something you need to work on. Beating yourself up about it, though, will actually prevent you from working on it. It will make things worse.
Have you been nice to your H? Then, we are talking about a man who needs to spew simply for the sake of justifying his own bad actions. In that case? The words aren't even valid.
My H came home and apologized for MOST of the things that he said. I was too stupid during the time of my separation to be able to make a distinction between valid and invalid arguments. I just allowed myself to be wagged around by my H's words. This is why it is so very important that we keep journals and we have deep introspection. We must know ourselves and be prepared to be brutally honest about our actions.
If someone told you that you were ugly because of the big giant zit that you have on your nose, would you be upset? Probably not because, assuming you don't have a big zit on your nose, their statement is untrue. So the question for you becomes, are you being mean or are you not being mean? I think you are telling us no.
I also think it is very important we truly understand why we are upset. I'm not so sure you are hurt because he is calling you mean. I think you are upset because his mental state still is out of touch with reality and so long as it remains that way, you will not be closer to reconciliation. I believe, ultimately, THAT is the source of your hurt. And if it is? Then we have to have a whole other conversation. But first things first, have a little meeting with yourself.
When I was a teenager, we used to have these small camp fires in my cousins yard at night with sticks that we had collected that day. We somehow never collected enough sticks during the day to have the fire last long. So as the fire was dying out we would grab tiny twigs, leaves or grass and throw it into the fire. It never worked.
Your H is throwing whatever he can into the fire to keep it going
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
It's projection. My H told me and a few others that he has lived the past 14 years in a constant state of hostility. Do I believe that? No. Do others believe it? No, except for OW who has her own interest at stake.
Funny how for instance I can point out the reality in your sitch but when it comes to my own I get bogged down in the crazy. Just shows you how distance can sometimes make things appear even clearer.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
I'm going to try to reply to everyone here before the thread gets locked for being too long.
On a previous post you said: " I'm scared. Every minute of every day, I'm scared. I can't stand that feeling. And it eats at my soul. I have to learn to control that."
First I was really sorry for you feeling this way. And I thought, no, I'm not scared like this any more.
But then, some of the things labug is pushing me to consider made me wonder if I am really afraid, all the time, in just about everything I do, of something quite basic. And that is losing control of my life.
I'll write more about this in reply to labug, but both of you have helped me think about what's going on with me.
And thanks, too, for this (I could do with a posse): "It'd be nice if next time you run into OW you can have a few of us along... no one said we had to keep clean hands. LOL! "
Re your last post, I don't think stbx's words are valid. So, you are right. Don't get wagged around by stuff that is not true.
And I think you are right about what i am upset about. It IS because his mental state seems to be out of touch with reality.
There is no chance of any sort of sensible relationship with him at the moment. And this is hard to deal with.
Keen to continue that "whole other conversation" about this with you.
