I'm new to the board, and have read through your thread today. My sitch with my W is different, we're still living together and she is not nasty in any way.
My impression is to stay with your current course.
I think it is very difficult to detach and takes time; this is for me the biggest hurdle that I am trying to overcome.
So what I need opinions on - I think I should go back to more contact. But again, I don't want to give the message that I am ok with this living arrangement (not that I won't be ok, but that it's ok to pretend family when you want). Guess I just take the chance of getting my heart broke more. Or I could continue this less contact and let him get some of this stuff out of his system maybe.
I would continue the less contact. This all takes TIME. You cant measure the results by what his response is because mostly this is all so counterintutive. You may be getting MONSTER from him so that he can TEST your changes to see if they are real. When you cave and go back to the old behavior of CONTACT that reinforces the MONSTER behavior. Better to keep your boundaries in place and live through a little PAIN right now. Think of it as if he is 3 years old. If you tell a child not to touch the HOT stove and then yell at them if they try to do it, they will cry. Would you rather have the crying or the burnt hand?
Thanks, Cadet. Yes, it is painful. Counterintuative...which always makes me feel like I'm doing it wrong. Like you only have one single shot at this, don't screw it up!
I'm certainly tired of seeing the monster recently. So ironic yesterday, the same guy that always tells me I need to learn when to keep my mouth shut said he's aware of his tongue and sometimes just doesn't care. So basically he can spew whatever he wants at me but I should sit back and take it all - maybe throw in a few sorrys.
So my goal today will be to be happy, cheerful and talkative when he comes to pick up D. The tonight when I have some alone time, I'll work on my next goals.
Post a couple of times a day and you'll stay closer to the first page.
This is hard because it feel like we should be "making nice" and trying to win them back that way. The problem with that is they don't want to be won back and by your pressuring him, he feels uncomfortable.
You don't know what his current lashing out means. It may not be your truth but it may be his truth. If you've apologized you don't have to continue to say you're sorry. You can say, "I've apologized for that, I can't change the past I can only decide to be different going forward."
You're in his head a lot, trying to figure out things. Try not to do that because it never works.
Just work on you. Who do you want to be? How can you get there?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
What I really want is my family back together...but....
I have a hobby business that has really picked up lately, so it's fun for me and I make extra money. And I've been focusing more on my weight training. Try to find different things for D and I to do - library get togethers, etc. But really other than that, I'm fairly content.
Last night H and I went bowling for a friends birthday party. It was kind of weird. These aren't friends we see much, more his friends than mine, but he hasn't told them anything about the situation. We got the invite the other week and it was a strange conversation about going - where he was like, you can go or not, whatever, but seemed like he wanted me to go because he didn't want to talk with them about how things were, but also didn't really want to tell me he wanted to go (I know, I need to stay out of his head) We ended up riding together and first he said after we were going to go set up some of his drums, but then when we left he decided to take me back to my car - said I would be bored watching him do that. Maybe I should have said I'd go but oh well. Overall, we had a good time. So guess that's good.
I'm thinking that I really need to make a schedule for him to have D. Was reading some on another thread about this. But I hate not having her here at home
Somebody has a bad case of the Monday's....that would be me... Really annoyed with H this morning. He hasn't seen D since Friday morning. Who goes all weekend without making it a point to see their D?! Typically he comes most days of the week to spend time with her in the morning and take her to daycare. Last night at nearly 9 he texts saying they are slammed at work and he needs to go in early, could I take her. I told him that I really needed to be at work on time (can't do that and drop off D) and he never replies. When I woke in the middle of the night I checked my phone - still not reply - so I wrote him and asked if he could make it over or not. Nothing. This morning I wrote to check one last time - and he replies 'just saw this'. Well, it all seems like bs to me. Says he's already on his way to work and had forgot to charge his phone. Nevermind the fact that he was commenting on FB at 10PM. Grrr.. I hate the feeling of being lied to. And then not being able to really ask. And I really hate when my D asks about daddy.
I'm going to have to make a schedule I guess. Even though I really don't want to.
In other news, I was asked to join a weekly womens bible study small group. I'm pretty excited about it. Had tried to make a 6 week short study group at this church but ended up having to cancel the first night because D was sick. They have daycare during the study group time, so should be fun for D as well.
A few goals I have come up with:
I will be a better listener - not just with H, with everyone. I tend to hurry a lot, which leads tointerrupting and not just listening.
I will quit discussing situation with friends as much - obviously sometimes it just has to happen. But I need to keep a lot more to myself. And just vent on here.
I will plan more things with my friends that do not inlcude 'going out'. I love to entertain, need to have people over more. Although this usually is dictated by others schedules -I'm home a lot lol.
H will contact me to see how I am - this used to happen but since I pulled away, he has too.
I will schedule a time with H to discuss visiting times with D. I've also thought about going back to having him for dinner a night each week - I'm torn on this - it was a good time for us to spend together, good family time. But I don't want to go back to letting him feel like the situation is ok.
I will read Let.It.Go and work on my control issues. I need to catch up on the online bible study going on with this book. It's been a little busy lately.
H acts like a robot these days. He was texting me about our banking this morning (which is great, it's hard to do the finances when you are getting surprises showing up on the debit card) But I told him he looked nice this morning when he came over, because he did. He answered that I did too ....but it's all just so dry and totally not like him. I did end up asking him if everything was ok and he said 'just peachy'. I want to tell him that he can talk to me if he wants, that I'm here for him. Probably not the nest idea but he just seems sad.
D and I are going to make him a collage of her paintings and some photos for Valentines day. I think he will like that - hopefully he doesn't see it as something to hang in his room at the other house bc I don't want him at home - obviously not the intention.
havne't really had a chance, or more so been in a situation, to work on most of my goals. I did start reading Let.It.Go last night.
I'm sad. I miss him lots these days. There are so many things I just want to tell him, it just wouldn't do any good. I don't want to appear like a cold person - especially since part of all this is how he says I was when we were first married - I don't want to appear to be that person. But I've got to guard my heart too.
Opinions or 2x4's needed....H and I have had little contact lately expect about D or finances. Remember the other week I started this little contact habit and he made statements that he thought I was done trying, and I guess I probably never really answered, I'm not good at verbalizing. But the way things are going now, I feel like I need to let him know that I have not given up, that I am simply giving him space and working on myself, doing things for me. I know the book says no letters - but I feel like I need to let him know a little about where I am. Not a mushy, I miss you, need you etc. Just what I said above - that I am working on me and giving him space.
Thoughts?
Sometimes it seems really odd - almost like he is using DB on me. Or at least he kind of mirrors me.
D and I made him a really cute photo collage for Valentines. Gave it to him this morning and he really liked it. He brought a present for her - I didn't expect anything for me, even on the basis of from her. He did send me a text yesterday that said Happy Valentines day to the best mommy in the world.
Detachment is getting easier, I don't worry about when/if he will text, what he is doing, etc. But like I said above, it makes me feel like he thinks I ave given up, which doesn't help the stitch. One of his complaints from long before this ever started was basically that i was unemotional and ignored him etc...I don't want it to look like that again. So a 180 would be to have more contact. But then in the past year it has been the other way, I was kind of an annoying nag.
I have a busy weekend planned. And looking forward to starting my small group on Tuesday night.
Really annoyed with H this morning. He hasn't seen D since Friday morning. Who goes all weekend without making it a point to see their D?!
LMF - when my W was at her worst (about a year ago), she would stay away from the house 18-20 hours a day. It got to a point where I had to have our youngest D walk to her restaurant after school just so she could see her mom. Much has changed since then, so it can get better.
Originally Posted By: Lovemyfamily
A few goals I have come up with:
I will be a better listener - not just with H, with everyone. I tend to hurry a lot, which leads tointerrupting and not just listening.
I will quit discussing situation with friends as much - obviously sometimes it just has to happen. But I need to keep a lot more to myself. And just vent on here.
I will plan more things with my friends that do not inlcude 'going out'. I love to entertain, need to have people over more. Although this usually is dictated by others schedules -I'm home a lot lol.
H will contact me to see how I am - this used to happen but since I pulled away, he has too.
I will schedule a time with H to discuss visiting times with D. I've also thought about going back to having him for dinner a night each week - I'm torn on this - it was a good time for us to spend together, good family time. But I don't want to go back to letting him feel like the situation is ok.
I will read Let.It.Go and work on my control issues. I need to catch up on the online bible study going on with this book. It's been a little busy lately.
What do you all think?
Most of these are very good goals. You may or may not have any results from trying to schedule time for your D with H. I usually had to surprise my W to get her to do anything with our D. After a few times of that, it did get easier.
