Vero, I just wanted to work in on how you are doing. You and I are in a very similar place, the fear of beginning to piece. I have to say that from what I know, you are off to a great start. Also, your willingness to work with your H encouraged me to face my fears and accept my W's request to R. Thank you!
Thank you SS, Starsky n CL! I was really holding back on saying it. I realize now that it was cuz I was afraid he'd say no or how would I feel if he hesitated, etc.
Thank you afa75 for checking in. I am so flattered that you felt as though I encouraged you. This is why we come to these boards and I'm so glad my sitch is helping you also ;-)
H n I talked about it last night and he said he is more than willing to do it but not over money. BETTER FOR ME! I thought a lot about it too and I regret decisions I made in the past not knowing if he was fully committed. This was a boundary and I made it clear.
If you are fully committed to the relationship then I'm more than willing to put myself in a vulnerable situation. However, since you are not ready to write this letter, then I can't move forward with asking my father for money.
I felt very brave! and as though I was finally really loving myself!! taking care of myself!
This talk actually brought us closer. He continued to talk about R. He said that he finally feels as if he's ready to commit but wants to do it slowly and not rush into it. (I'm the one rushing cuz I'm so darn impatient!)
I want him living here but then i don't! I want him touching me but then I don't! etc.
It's so weird. I can imagine how good our relationship can be in the future if we continue to grow together. We are closer now than before all this mess. And I can only see it getting better.
BUT... All that baggage is so darn heavy. It would be nice to just let it go but it's so difficult to let go of resentment. I don't want to be hurt again and I worry/fear that if I let it go, I will be burned again.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
I'm confused; is he sending the no-contact letter or not?
Re-building FEELINGS toward each other can happen slowly. Re-COMMITTING to the marriage, however, is a decision.
You can't force him to make decisions, but you CAN frame them in the context of your boundaries (an example you just accomplished, "You don't have to write that letter, but I'm not asking my father to borrow any money if you don't.")
To me, that's the beauty of boundaries, or -- as I like to call them -- "My Boundaries of Personal Integrity." Only YOU know what they are, but they should be a very short list; your "dealbreakers," as it were . . . those things that you, as a person with your values, morals and ethics, simply CANNOT ABIDE.
And this is how it works, in practical application: If you decide that "I will not live in an open marriage," and you state that as a boundary to a cheating spouse, and if that drives them away from you, and toward the other person? Well, then that's THEIR CHOICE, and them cheating -- and staying with me -- wasn't an option for me anyway, based on my own authenticity and values, so what have I lost?
All I've lost in that instance is something that I could not have abided anyway.
"You must choose between her or me" is an ULTIMATUM. It's about THEM.
Boundaries should be about YOU -- "I will not live in an open marriage." It's then up to the other person to decide what to DO with that information you've now shared with them, lovingly and firmly.
Yes, vero, don't let him piecemeal this. Either he's committed or he isn't. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need, you and your children are worth it.
And I'd take the money thing off the table completely.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
This talk actually brought us closer. He continued to talk about R. He said that he finally feels as if he's ready to commit but wants to do it slowly and not rush into it. (I'm the one rushing cuz I'm so darn impatient!)
I wanted to circle back to this part right here. ^^^
In nearly every successful reconciliation where infidelity was involved, I have seen the above dynamic FLIPPED ON ITS HEAD. When they are sincere and ready, it is the formerly CHEATING spouse that is willing to move Heaven and Earth to be let back into the marriage, and it is the BETRAYED spouse who says (and does) "Not so fast, mister. I'm not sure how I feel about this anymore -- I'm going to need to think about this."
That's been my observation, and it's also firmly rooted in basic human push-pull dynamics.
Thank you Starsky, He said he's willing to write the letter but not for the money. Instead, the money is off the table. He knows that I will be expecting a letter from him to OW if we continue to work on reconciling and said he's willing to do it, but not now, not like this.
Funny thing (not so funny cuz I was emotional) today. He admitted to lying to me about something way back when all this started. Reminded me of the saying, don't believe any of what you hear.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
