Wife said she was done!

[Maritimer]

Her birthday was yesterday and i played it cool, just a funny card from the boys & dad.. nothing mushy and an ice cream cake that said happy birthday mom. She seemed to be pleased with that.
Not reading much into this but she seems to be less cold with me and communicating about general stuff.

She is still communicating with the coworker i believe she is having a EA with, How do I handle that one?

I posted several times over the last 4 days and none of the posts showed up?

[Maritimer]

Over the last few days she seems to be enjoying my company and were having lots of fun with the kids. She is still sleeping in the other room. Would it be risky to ask to talk about our relationship when she in a good mood?

Im waiting for the Divorce Remedy to arrive from the book store.
Hopefully it will give me some more guidance. Still doing most of the 180s and focusing on self improvement.

[stilllookingup]

In my opinion you shouldn't be even entertaining with the idea of talking to her about R.... especially when you haven't read the DR yet! Please do not, read it first ask for opinions from others here and take steps slowly..

[ForeverYoung]

No relationship talks!!! She'll only BD you all over again. Did you read Sandi's 37 rules in the forum stickies? Do it every day.

BD= Bomb Drop. The day she told you she's done, not in love, etc.

Just keep posting to get off moderation.

[KikiDoll]

Maritimer,
So sorry you are here...it is a long bumpy road.

My H dropped tje bomb the day before or 7 year anniversary. We have been to 2 MC and last week he discided to stop seeing tue 2nd one after 2 sessions. I will go solo tomorrow.

The confusing part is that everyday is like.a.rollercoaster...I would have thought last Monday he was ready to leave, but yesterday H was filling the wiper fluid in my car...fixing the wiper blad and bought me a fav piece of candy from the grocery store...what the h@ll!!

DB and DR have become my lifeline...read and reread...focus in you, your children and stay strong!

[Maritimer]

Thanks from reeling me back in from doing something I would have regretted. It’s tough not to read into something when you want it to work out so badly. Roller coaster is exactly how it feels in this situation. Yesterday we had fun playing the Wii then she went to bed in the boys room, no see ya, nite, nothing.

Reviewing the 180’s again like it was a prayer. My DR book came in today and I can’t wait to start reading it. This forum has helped me big time so I can only imagine what the book will do for me.

What do people in our situation do for Valentines day? A card from me? A card & flowers signed from the kids?

[Maritimer]

Auto correct is not my friend, first sentence should say..

"Thanks for reeling me back from doing something I would have regretted"

[stilllookingup]

What did you usually do in the past on Valentine's day? and Did she like it?

[sandi2]

Welcome, hope you will post often b/c that will cause more response from the board.

The picture you paint of yourself is not attractive, and I hope it's not as bad as it sounds.

have a 3 year old autistic boy and a 11 month old.

It is difficult to imagine the burden she must feel. The reason I said "she" is b/c of this next statement.

i spent most of my free time in the shed drinking beer and doing things around the house

IMO, one of the worst things a man can do to his W is leave her alone when they have little children. But that increases to another degree when one of the children are challenged mentally, emotionally, or physically. I could stop right here and literally preach to you how I felt like I carried the burden of our child after she was diagnosed with very brittle diabetes. My H loved her more than life, but he took no active part in the day to day struggles to just keep her alive. We came so close to losing her many, many times. And like you, he chose to hide away in his man cave and not "deal" with it.

I'm not trying to make you feel worse, or to judge you. I'm trying to get you to understand that a woman needs her husband's strength. She needs him to be there beside her while they both deal with the situation....and when she is in a state of utter physical or emotional exhaustion, she needs him to tell her that he will take care of things. So, if the H leaves to hide out in his cave, she is left to deal with it the best way she can.....without his support.

You probably never thought of yourself walking out on her and in a sense saying that you were "done" and she had to handle things with your baby and your son. No, I'm sure she wasn't much fun.

She put the house for sale and started making inventory of what she wants when the house sells. All this happened 5 days after she told me that she wanted to leave the marriage.

She's been thinking about all of this for awhile. Every time she felt you bail, her plan began to grow until it became reality.

63 days later I lost nearly 40 pounds, no booze or pot,

Fantastic!

Just a word of caution......don't expect her to be impressed right away. She will have to see you stick to it for quite a while before she will believe you're serious about it. Also, a lot of W's resent the fact it took her leaving before the H woke up.

I do all the cleaning & cooking all with a very positive attitude!

Do you work outside of the home?

I made drastic changes over the last 2 month and thought she would realize how serious i was about improving my lifestyle for myself and our family.

Yes, you have made great progress. How many months were you drinking and taking pot? If it was more than 2, then you might see why she isn't getting real excited about it. But stick with it.....and for yourself and b/c you'll be able to offer your kids a better daddy from this point on. Hopefully, you'll get the chance to show her what a better H you can be, but for now.....work on you.

Over the past 3 years both of her parents passed away, had postpartum with both of the children and our 3 year old was diagnosed with autism.

Words fail me.

That is alot to take for even the strongest person. I have always been there for her but she has trouble opening up.

Yes, to say the least! I don't know what I would have done if I had my children after losing both my parents. She must have felt alone.....and afraid. But you said you have always been there for her. How? B/c maybe what you see as being there isn't what she saw. Maybe you were there at the moment of the event, but you didn't stay.....not if you were going off into the man cave and drinking & doing pot. Are you sure she felt like she could open up to you?

I feel that her choices a being impaired do to her depression and the challenges of coping with the grief of her parents.

So this has to do with her grief and depression? Sounds logical. Did you try to help her with it? If so, what did you try?

We have a beautiful family and I know we can make it work if we both try.

I agree. But what is your plan if there is only one who tries? You see, it's pretty much a done deal when both are trying. But when one is not trying.....does that mean the M is over? Of course not. It just means you have to work hard enough for both of you.....for a good while.

Don't give up. I thought I was done, too. I didn't work at my M for quite some time, but it survived. Don't have any expectations from her. Almost everything is pressure for her, so don't add any more.

Keep up the good work. Your kids deserve it......and so do you!

[hotwheelsaust]

Maritimer, my DB coach suggested a letter for Valentines Day talking about the love your S has given to the family and/or children. No talking about your love or your combined love. I have written one to my W about how impressed I was with the way she loved our boys and the love continued while growning up and now as young men. Yes it might be regarded as reverse psychology, but who cares. I think it is better than nothing and I certainly know that the 180's would be against me giving her a full Valentines Day with all the I love you stuff in it.