In the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus clearly says that he came not to abolish the law but to fulfill it. It is very misunderstood what the new covenant means. But what it DOESN'T mean is that we are exempt from the 10 commandments, we are not. I like the NLV translation best here:
"Don't misunderstand why I have come. I did not come to abolish the law of Moses or the writings of the prophets. No, I came to accomplish their purpose."
Later in Matthew, Jesus adds (never takes away) to the commandments when we are told to "Love our neighbor as ourselves."
God abhors divorce but he does make room for it. This is also important to understand. At no point does he abolish it. The moral lesson I'm trying to give to you is to help you save your marriage. Because your words and attitude are unhealthy to her. You judge and trash your W for the sake of religion while being in complete violation yourself. Too often, people seem to believe that if my H beat me, it's ok to leave but if the abuse is only emotional, then I have no right to leave. It's not true! Many times the emotional scars are far deeper and far more dangerous than the physical ones. One of my dearest friends on this board had his W commit suicide. Depression is a VERY REAL thing.
Your W found herself in a state of being unhealthy as a result of staying in that marriage. You said NOW she's mentally "out of tune." I would disagree with that. She got out to save herself, which frankly is more than I have been able to do for myself. If you put your W and I in front of my therapist, he would tell you that SHE is more "in tune" and stable because her instinct to protect herself has kicked in.
I suggest that you spend some time in Matthew 7. Here we are told 1) Judgment is for God alone 2) People who seek to judge and condemn others are trying to take God's role and we are warned STRONGLY against doing this. 3) And that we are in no position to judge unless we, ourselves, have lived sinless lives.
We stand in judgment of others while we, ourselves, are sinners. And when I say judgment, I'm not talking about coming here and giving one another advice, I mean when we say things like:
1) She's messed up completely 2) She's mentally not in tune anymore
These are judgments not facts. And we need to be mindful of the difference. Our negative attitudes like these affects our spouses profoundly. And so many of us just don't get it.
Your W is in very real and profound pain. She is scared to death and dealing with a baby. I will guarantee her self-esteem has suffered tremendously as a result of her time in the marriage. When you say there is nothing you can do about what you have done before? I don't think that's true. YOU, and you alone, can start the healing. You can stop the judgments. You can work on the Fruits of the Spirit. You can support her in any way that she needs. You can be the best father this world ever did see. You can start reading the Bible for the purpose of fixing yourself. You can list all the wonderful qualities about your W and stop saying bad things about her. You can make a list of the things that you want to work on with yourself and make an action plan as to how to do that.
You are right to not contact her, but again, you are not hearing me as to why when you say, "She's gone so far in her bitterness and grudge." NO. This is not why you don't contact her. You don't contact her because it is clearly causing her a lot of pain. It is clearly causing further friction in your R. Contacting her is not accomplishing your goals of healing her. When you make statements like that it is a clear indication that you do not have the empathy REQUIRED to fix this thing. All of the marriages I've seen restored have the same recipe. Each of those reconciliations started with the LBS having empathy and deep understanding for the pain they caused. What they don't have is any type of judgment that you continue to show. And Bruce? You can't fake it. You really need to understand.
Anyone who knows me will tell you that yes, I keep a prayer journal and pray over it. So when I tell you that I am praying for you, you can take it to the bank.
